Expected to leave home and my partner

[AmandaJ1995]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are expecting our first child together, however social services became involved in September/October (I found out I was pregnant in August, already 2 months pregnant) I found out yesterday that I now need to leave my home (preferably with a family member or friend who can help me with my son as social worker requested) but I am due to give birth in just under 3 weeks and they are unsure if my son will be safe from harm if I bring him home as they say my boyfriend has unprodictable behaviour because he snapped once with the social worker... Is this fair?

He needs to go to the Drs appt and get help for his wider MH (paranoia etc). Even if just an assessment from secondary MH services. If they don't think he has a severe mental illness (the criteria to be taken on by most secondary MH services) they may still recommend some kind of local low-level Pschological intervention like an IAPT service. Which if he is traumatised by his childhood which is likely, won't be enough but it's all most people are offered these days and it demonstrates he's engaged with an assessment and is willing to act on recommendations.

Ask GP if there is a specialised Adult ADHD service that covers your area. If he had ADHD as a child its very likely he still has it now and treatment could reduce impulsivity if that is an issue for him- which SS will want.

If there is a specialised Adult ADHD service covering your area they're likely to have a long waiting list but it demonstrates you're being pro-active and covering all the bases.

In the meantime continue to engage with SS and act on their direction.

Your friend may have voiced some very serious concerns she had because you were minimising.

No I wasn't minimising anything I was answering the midwives questions and I was waiting until we got up to those bits, we have both been very open and honest with all the professionals we are working with, he's going to the appointment tomorrow and I am going with him to make sure everything is mentioned

Push the adult ADHD thing if needed, some GPs don't believe it carries on into adulthood or don't think it's relevant. With a childhood history of ADHD he should at least be assessed by a specialised adult ADHD service given the current SS concerns.

If there isn't a specialised adult ADHD service covering your area it's sometimes possible for a community MH team Psychiatrist to assess but they often lack the expertise.

If they say there is no provision for adults with ADHD in your area, enquire about the GP applying for 'exceptional funding' via the CCG for assessment in the nearest area that do have a specialised adult ADHD service. That would require him travelling to that area for assessment though and still a waiting list.

I will push for it

Council housing department?

You need everything in writing. If SS are saying you cannot live where you are, you need housing!

It doesn't matter what knives or spoons he has at the moment, or what appointments he is thinking about. SS have told you to leave and your baby could come any day now. Forget about him for the while and put your baby first or they will take baby away. Get yourself safe and settled then you can start worrying about what is or isn't fair. He can be getting the help he needs but you need to cooperate with SS.

I am cooperating with SS, the social worker asked me to contact family and see who could help and get back to her which I have done now I am just waiting for her to contact them and let me know what she thinks as she has to agree with where I go, if I can't go with a family member she's looking into other options that might be available, so far I only have one family member who can support me and let me move in them until they say that it's safe for me and baby to return home however she only has a 2 bedroom house and lives with her husband and daughter

To answer your question; it's not fair. Care-leavers do have more eyes on them and behaviour that might not be questioned in someone else will be questioned in you.

But, the SWs do want your baby and you to be safe, well cared for and happy. Make sure you get what you need and try to see what they are doing as support and care, rather than interfering.

Good luck with your baby.

Thank you for all your support I would have replied sooner but as I said I wasn't aware of anyone's comments, we are both working with the SW and all other professionals who are involved, we are going to do whatever it takes (even though it is going to be difficult and heartbreaking, but we both know our child needs to come first)

I can see why SS are worried, why they think your partner might be a risk and why they think that you need support when the baby is born but it seems very unfair that they aren't offering you anything to help. Once upon a time a mother and baby foster placement might have been a possibility but I expect they have all gone now.

I have suggested them trying to find me a mother and baby unit but every one I have suggested the SW has said it's not suitable or I can't go to that one because I don't the criteria but I don't know what she expects me to be able to sort out as I have tried contacting my family, my sister who is willing to help is currently having problems with her heart so I don't want to impose on her to much

Please do as they say. Make it happen no matter how unfair it seems right now. I'm talking from experience when I say you are at a very real risk of losing your child. If they take your baby court proceedings have to be wrapped up within 6 months and more often than not babies who are taken at birth don't return to the mother and end up being adopted. I'm not scaremongering, it just strikes a chord with me when I read posts like this because I was where you are many years ago. I was in an abusive relationship, downplayed and minimised how bad things were because he hadn't actually hit me at that stage and because I failed to acknowledge the risks I lost my first born as a result. Please do what's asked of you for your babies sake x

Posted before i read all the comments, I thought from your initial post that they suspected him of being violent towards you. Apologies for jumping the gun however my point remains the same, you absolutely should do what they've asked just so you can show you're putting babies needs first and acknowledging their concerns. Hopefully if all is well and safe for LO to be around him you'll all be back together once he has addressed his issues x

We are trying to do what they want, we have done from the beginning of SS involvement, but obviously not doing enough we'll be going to appointment for OH to get him sorted x

Social worker has said that moving in with my sister isn't going to happen as there's no room for me and baby and also because they are both working x

Has she suggested an alternative?

Are you in England or Scotland? If in Scotland all local authorities are corporate parents. They have a statutory duty to support care experience people up to 26. How old are you both?

How old are you Amanda?

Try to look at it from a position of potential risk:

You are both care leavers
You are both victims of childhood abuse
Mental Health issues
Untreated medical condition
Previous weapons history
Resistance to social care questions

I'm afraid they are only following risk assessment for S17 or S28 enquiries. They are doing their job. You sound like you are taking the correct steps too. I'm sure things will work out for the best. Good luck with the birth x

I really feel for you.
Do you/ your DP still have support from the leaving care team?

Either can go to the council and claim myself as homeless even though I'm not and go in a homeless unit or the social worker is contacting a mother and unit (which I won't get into because it's for druggies and alcoholics) and another mother and baby unit, I'm 22 living in England

Have you had an assessment? In writing? Should identify your needs and therefore what SS are expected to do as well as you.

It appears that ss wants you to leave your current accommodation urgently and wants you to sort out where you will stay. As a young care leaver, how many people do they think you have on top whom you can call upon to stay with your new born
If they are so keen for you to leave and are worried about your safety, why aren’t they doing more to find you a suitable accommodation. And why is none of the social workers on this thread putting forward any practical idea where you might be able to go

As a care leaver the council you were in care with has a duty of care to you until 25, I think
This might be in the form of a leaving care grant, prioritising you for housing, 1:1 support etc.
Have you spoke to Become, the care leavers charity?
They have this on their website:
You can call us on 0800 023 2033 between 10:30am and 3pm, Monday to Friday, or email us at [email protected]

And why is none of the social workers on this thread putting forward any practical idea where you might be able to go

Several suggestions have been put forward.

And you could always apply to be a SW if you think you could do a better job. The low pay, high stress, vilification in the media and often personally, the feeling that at any point something terrible could happen to someone you're working with, massive case loads, and the fact that although you want to support people your hands are tied because of funding... it's super awesome. Don't forget all the people who are convinced they could do a better job. They're great too.