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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Expected to leave home and my partner

92 replies

AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 01:14

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are expecting our first child together, however social services became involved in September/October (I found out I was pregnant in August, already 2 months pregnant) I found out yesterday that I now need to leave my home (preferably with a family member or friend who can help me with my son as social worker requested) but I am due to give birth in just under 3 weeks and they are unsure if my son will be safe from harm if I bring him home as they say my boyfriend has unprodictable behaviour because he snapped once with the social worker... Is this fair?

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 21/02/2018 08:20

Expat That is what the OP has said she was asked by the SW and it is a fairly standard and routine question to ask. Most people would prefer to try and find a supportive friend or a family member to stay with than be placed in some sort of refuge/homeless accomodation. What has 2018 got to do with it? I would say the majority of people i worked with had someone they could go to that we would consider protective.

blueskyinmarch · 21/02/2018 08:25

GnotheGnu. The OP may be living in the boyfriends home and may not be able to stay there and have him leave. Or the bf may be considered so volatile that trying to oust him out will exacerbate his violence and having her leave will be better. Also she has been asked to find someone who can support her. Staying alone in the house with an infant would increase the risks to them as the bf would know exactly where they were and would probably end up back with the OP as she would either allow him in or her would make threats and intimidate to be allowed back in. She will be safer elsewhere with others.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 21/02/2018 08:28

Op you need to listen to ss. Put your baby first

NancyJoan · 21/02/2018 08:29

There is far more going on here. If they are concerned for your safety then you should be too.

WitchesHatRim · 21/02/2018 08:30

If you want people to give advice you need to be honest about what has happened

^ this.

Why are they also insisting you move in with someone?

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/02/2018 08:31

What mumofplenty said. That is your simple choice right now, do not stop to think about whether it is fair.

LemonShark · 21/02/2018 08:37

So why were social services there around your boyfriend to begin with?

As for 'snapping', you're minimising. Social workers are very used to parents and other members of the public snapping, getting upset, getting in a huff, becoming annoyed, and so forth. Someone 'snapping' as in being short with them wouldn't even cross their radar. I can only assume by 'snapping' you mean something pretty serious such as screaming or shouting at them, being verbally abusive, making them feel frightened, threatening them. And if he acted like that towards them who knows how he'd behave to a young vulnerable child?

There's a lot more going on here and unless you actually give more back story about what's going on, the replies you get will all be useless as they'll be like mine, asking for more info.

Schlimbesserung · 21/02/2018 09:03

When someone is ordering you to do something, it's totally normal to not want to, or to feel resentful. Accept that and move past it. Try to take the emotion out of the situation, as hard as that is.

Getting away from your partner is just one of those things that has to be done. SS can actually support you and give advice if you let them. If you fight them then it can all get much more serious, but it really doesn't need to. Your child can be brought up in a happy home, it just won't be the home you were imagining (believe me, I get the fear of doing it alone, but sometimes alone is better).

You must be afraid of having to give birth and care for your baby alone and that's totally understandable. Reach out to anyone who can offer support, just not your boyfriend. Now that you have SS involvement you are actually in a better position to help yourself, compared to someone in a similar situation who doesn't dare ask for help . They aren't (presumably) concerned about you, just him.

Let them help you. You can be a fabulous mother and you can make a great life for yourself and your baby. It may well be that you need to get rid of him to do that, but that's a small sacrifice if he is any kind of risk to your baby.

Alfiemoon1 · 21/02/2018 09:11

Why were ss involved in the first place. I have 2 kids and never ss involved
Whatever the background I think you need to work with ss they don’t usually split families up for no reason they must believe and have evidence that it’s in yours and your child’s best interests for you to leave

Chifi · 21/02/2018 09:18

Oh you poor thing. All this going on being so close to giving birth.

But as others have said, listen to SS and you can tackle whatever issues they have once you engage with them. Ask them for support and make it quite clear youre putting your children first. If you have nowhere to go I'm sure they would have to help.

In terms of your other half, he needs to engage with them too and work on his issues that has made this all happen.

I hope you don't feel intimidated by some responses and you can come back to us as you'll get lots of great advice here.

Angelf1sh · 21/02/2018 09:35

You are minimising some serious issues.

  1. Something must have happened to generate a SS visit in the first place and it wouldn’t have been something good.

  2. SS get snapped at everyday and they don’t immediately demand women leave their partners or risk losing their kids. He did more than Snap.

Either way and regardless as to whether you think it’s fair, you need to put your kids first and do what you’re told.

MrsElvis · 21/02/2018 10:39

Why the fuck are you having to move when you are about to give birth? Get him to leave?

If not because you're living with his family / they've decided where you are isn't right for a child, As said by others don't mess around with this. Do as they ask, they're not asking for a laugh.

MrsElvis · 21/02/2018 10:42

Also yes please fill in the blanks.

Why are SS involved?

Do you understand and agree why they have to be involved or are you shocked?

What does snap mean? Being short with SS or punching them in the face - snap is vague.

What were they saying to make him 'snap'?

Do you think he was unreasonable?

incywincybitofa · 21/02/2018 11:03

I am not sure you have to fill in the blanks, but I do think you should listen Amanda
Social Services are very busy people, they don't just pick on you or ask you to uproot your whole life because they want something to do, generally each child protection SW has dozens of children on their watch in need of protection or support they haven't got time to go out touting for more work.
If your partner is telling you they are picking on him, then my feeling is he is lying and he would only be lying if it was serious.
I am guessing you are quite young, and probably don't have family support in which case you need to find an agency to help you, a shelter or charity, if you have left care Barnardos may be able to help you.
You have 3 weeks to sort this out, so act now and please stay away from him.

Schlimbesserung · 21/02/2018 13:50

I don't think we need to know the details, but I do think it would be wise to get some legal advice- start with CAB, or look for support groups and advice lines for families with SS involvement. It helps sometimes to get outside advice about what your rights are, what you should do and what you shouldn't.
I don't think this needs to end badly for you at all, but when you are feeling vulnerable to can really, really help to have someone on your side. (As an aside, I know several members of the clergy who are experienced with supporting people in this kind of situation, and lots of them also support and help women in violent or abusive situations to get help and get out. Worth a try if you don't want to get a lawyer).

Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:02

Social services are involved because a friend who came to my pre booking assessment with midwife mentioned that my boyfriend doesn't leave the house due to being paranoid about people judging him and that he originally wanted me to get an abortion but he came around, I have no choice I have to do this, they have said it's only temporarily until he sorts out his mental health and gets the help he needs but like I said I currently have nowhere to go

OP posts:
TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 21/02/2018 19:05

Thanks for coming back! Then what happened with the SW?

Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:06

He has offered to move out but SW said no, we've got him a doctors appointment sorted tomorrow so he can start to get the help he needs, everything I am suggesting apparently isn't available, sorry I wasn't getting notifications of anyone commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:13

They think he's schizophrenic because it runs in his family, got paranoia because he doesn't leave the house, he hasn't had meds for his ADHD since he was a child and unpredictable behaviour, he was in care when he was younger and used to collect knives so social services think he say a fascination with them because it is in his file, they are also involved because me and BF are both care leavers and were abused before we went into care and they say it can potentially affect our ability to parent

OP posts:
Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 19:17

Tit sounds like you need to take their concerns seriously and do what they say.

Do you have anyone you can stay with? Council house?

NormaNameChange · 21/02/2018 19:17

I know nothing of social services procedures but I do know a little about being a mother... surely, no matter whether they are right or wrong - your primary concern is to keep your child (and yourself) safe and healthy. If there was any risk I would be separated from my newborn I would do whatever was asked of me until such time as investigations/assessments were completed - however unfair I may feel that to be in the immediate term.

By cooperating now, you are showing you have your childs best interests as your priority which can only aid you in whatever future situation you find yourself in

Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:22

I am cooperating with them, no he has not been violent towards me, what I mean by he snapped is that he raised his voice at the social worker, because they were saying because his dad beat him when he was little there is a risk that he would turn out like his, no he doesn't do drugs, he drinks occasionally but only for special occasions, they're concerns are because of his mental health

OP posts:
Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:26

The reason I have to move out is because we live together in a private rented property, even though he's said he'd move in with a friend so me and our son could stay here they still have said no because they do not believe that he will leave the property

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 21/02/2018 19:37

Take their concerns seriously.
You have nothing to lose.

If all is well you and your partner can resume living together soon enough.

Knife collection/fascination ringing alarm bells but 2 nice opinels v different from a duffel bag of katanas and switchblade's obv

Original poster
AmandaJ1995 · 21/02/2018 19:42

At present he has 1 penknife (which is a keepsake as it was his grandfathers who passed away 2 years ago) he hasn't physically threatened anyone or physically hurt anyone, they asked him about self harm and he said if he was going to do self harm he wouldn't he'd just commit suicide because of how his life has been

OP posts:
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