my emotions just make him angry

[Greyday2]

My husband and father of my 3 month old girl and 3.5 year old son will leave soon. He hasn’t made plans yet but he “ can’t live with me anymore” and it is all due to my “ behaviour “ and the terrible way I treat him. I am very very upset as I still love him and can’t beleive he had such hatred for me. He texted me recently “ I fucking hate you, you’ve fucked up my life” after he left me to stay in a hotel. I tried to talk to him tonight because I couldn’t believe he wanted things to be so awful between us but he put the timer on his phone and made me not interrupt him for a minute and then told me why he “can’t talk to me” and then when I responded he interrupted me so I ended up raising my voice and then I was told it was not fair that I could raise my voice but he couldn’t shout at me ( he shouts at me a lot). He mimicked me “ whining” ( crying with distress). I am heartbroken at our failed marriage but all I do is anger him and all our conversations leave me wanting to put my head through the wall.

I feel for you so much when reading this. My partner has done the same to me, mocking my crying and just taking the general mick out of me actually having feelings. I think it's really horrible for him to say you've fucked up his life especially after having little ones, two at that! Can I ask what it is that you do that winds him up so much? Like has he told you? It sounds like he's a got problems of his own x

OP - it sounds terrible. And a very very bad place to be. I am sorry.

I don’t know why or how you got to that place in your relationship.
But at this point - it doesn’t seem to have a future.
It’s possible that it’s the stress of very young children.
Or something else.

Whatever it is - unless you both want to do counselling - it won’t get better. Not on its own.

Is it a bad patch, or how long has this been going on for? Do the bad times outweigh the good?

Absolutely awful for you Greyday2 - he sounds a bit like my recently ex-DP. Just a total lack of respect when I talk, mimicking me, eye rolling and telling me I’m mental when I get upset. He was otherwise wonderful but I’ve finally realised I deserve better. Nobody should be made to feel so crap by someone who is supposed to love them.

It feels hard now, but honestly you will be so much happier without him. Even after a few weeks I can feel the lack of stress, I feel lighter without having to worry about saying the wrong thing or trying to hide if I’m upset because it will cause an argument. No one should live like that.

With the DCs you will need to have contact sorted in a very regimented way and try not to interact with him more than necessary. Google Grey Rock technique for remaining calm, neutral and non provocative when you deal with him, to keep in control when he tries to wind you up, which he will.

I know it seems like your life is falling apart, but it’s an addiction. Once you’re free of him you’ll wonder why you were ever besotted with him as you remember all the horrid stuff he’s said to you xx

Tell him to leave now. Tonight.

There is nothing to save here. He hates you. He hates all women. Stop subjugating yourself to him...it makes him despise you even mpre

It’s been hard for a really long time. He has never given me the help I’ve needed and then has let me become exhausted and overwrought at which point I become “ unreasonable” and talk to him in a “terrible” way. I am a good mother but not a good wife. I wouldn’t have it so hard if I wasn’t “ such a cunt”. Our son is autistic and about to go through assessment. I am heartbroken about this too. He has left abs then come back because he has no friends or family and no where to stay and he texts me about how awful it is for him even when he’s been the one to leave. ( leaving me with a baby and autistic child who runs off, smashes things etc etc).

Why are you even bothering with him. This prick is a waste of oxygen.

I know this sounds hurtful, but he actively enjoys your pain. Don't ask yourself what you've done wrong. He will latch on any tiny excuse or imagined flaw to beat you.

Are you on the UK?
Do you have children?
Do you work?
Do you own your house or rent?

He is a good dad which makes it hard and the children are his “ only joy”. I worry that my son will be terribly angry with me or with him and it’s hard enough being autistic without being angry or lacking a male role model. My daughter will wonder why I brought her into the world only to separate from her dad.

X post. Your son needs your full attention right now so you need to get this cuntless wonder out of your lives.

Is there a health visitor or senco who is involved with your son?

He's not a good dad, good dads don't treat the mother of their children like garbage.

I’m in the uk. I don’t work but I have my own
Money. I own the house jointly with him. I have 2 children.

Of course your daughter won't think that! She WILL wonder why the hell you let him stay, though, if you do.

He is not a good dad. Men who abuse their children's mothers are by turn abusing their children.

He is not a good dad. Good dad's do not verbally abuse and bully their children's mum (or anyone else for that matter!)

Your children will wonder why you take his abuse and come back for more.

NottheFord- yes there is a senco at the nursery and he is being assessed by the council next
Month. My husband actually
Kisses the children more abs does the great dad thing even more when he’s being awful to me. This turns my stomach.

Christ alive, he is not a good dad, no way!! He is abusing you, good fathers do not treat their child's mother this way.

What a controlling vile bastard he is.

Have you got real life support?

This is not about you!! He is clearly an abusive man who gets off on humiliating you. This is domestic abuse and you need emotional support to look at your options. If he does leave then he is doing you a favour but I doubt he will. This is not love! You deserve respect, love and equality at all times.

They will see this example and normalise it.

Men treat women like shit and women stay. Is this what you want for them ?

This man is a nasty manipulative bastard. One day you’ll be so glad you escaped. What advice would you give your daughter if she was being treated like this?

Ha, cross post with everyone else! Please listen OP, he is a nasty pig. You and your dc deserve better. Go and see a solicitor.

My ex partner did this as well. The worse he was to me the nicer he would be to the children, it was very pointed, and it was very very fake because he could drop them whenever he felt like it.
When I did work up the nerve to leave many times he would use the children to guilt me into staying.
Don't be fooled.

I know you’re right AnyFucker. I
feel sorry for him and I wish i didn’t and I also blame myself as I am a very difficult person to live with and have also said terrible things to him. I tend to over empathise where he under empathises and im very susceptible to blame whereas he can’t be made to feel bad. I think I just have to get past that awful empty house feeling once he’s gone and hearing my son calling his name in the mornings.

I do t know how I actually get him to leave. He will always not have time to find a flat, he works long hours in a different city. He always lets me know how awful his situation is once he’s left and I end up telling him to come back because It all seems so pitifully awful and I don’t want him destroyed. He has no family in this country and no real friends.