my emotions just make him angry

[Greyday2]

My husband and father of my 3 month old girl and 3.5 year old son will leave soon. He hasn’t made plans yet but he “ can’t live with me anymore” and it is all due to my “ behaviour “ and the terrible way I treat him. I am very very upset as I still love him and can’t beleive he had such hatred for me. He texted me recently “ I fucking hate you, you’ve fucked up my life” after he left me to stay in a hotel. I tried to talk to him tonight because I couldn’t believe he wanted things to be so awful between us but he put the timer on his phone and made me not interrupt him for a minute and then told me why he “can’t talk to me” and then when I responded he interrupted me so I ended up raising my voice and then I was told it was not fair that I could raise my voice but he couldn’t shout at me ( he shouts at me a lot). He mimicked me “ whining” ( crying with distress). I am heartbroken at our failed marriage but all I do is anger him and all our conversations leave me wanting to put my head through the wall.

[AthenasOwl]

I doubt very much you are difficult to love with, I think this is something you've been conditioned to believe. Any time you raise legitimate concerns and are told you're too emotional/sensitive/empathetic/needy or whatever label he's given you, it makes it difficult for you to say anything!

[Greggsxo]

You and your children will be better off without him. You and they don't need someone dipping in and out when he wants - and coming back because he has nothing else. Make things on your term for once. You guys deserve to be happy. We can't let our children think this is the right way to behave.

[AnyFucker]

Come on. Stop over romanticing this. He is an abuser.

Your little boy can be distracted. He will stop calling for daddy very soon. Children learn a new normal very quickly. Within days, in fact. Better he has such damaging lessons removed from his life with immediate effect than to continue to witness such dysfunction. If you stick this out for the kids, you are using them as an excuse because you are not ready to leave the abuse behind. Be real to yourself at least

And don't feel sorry for this prick. He has devalued you so absolutely it is highly likely he is fucking other women.

[Greyday2]

I am anxious and always on the move, I don’t sit still for long and always like to have a plan for the day or I get nervous- he is the opposite. I am very emotional and yes over sensitive. I have been very critical of him and have said unkind things on occasion. He has commuted for the last five years so I could move back to my home city as I was miserable after moving to a new city for his job but I still wasn’t happy ( because I was still married to him). I am partly to blame.

[Greyday2]

I don’t think he has time for other women although we haven’t had sexual for almost a year now so I do wonder what he does. He also takes no care of himself physically which I have also found hard so even though he’s an attractive man I doubt he’s been with other women.

[Greyday2]

Had sexual😳

[Mummug]

He is either a narcissist or autistic himself. Get out now. Don't look back. Good luck to you x

[AnyFucker]

There is no indication he is "autistic"

People with autism are generally not abusive. This man is a cunt. No connection with "autism" at all.

[BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy]

He is either a narcissist or autistic himself.

Wow - the armchair psychologists are out in force tonight. What Scientific evidence do you base this diagnosis on?

Serious though OP, get rid of this waste of space. He sounds awful.

[Greyday2]

Any advice on getting a man to leave and actually take his toothbrush?

[Greyday2]

Doesn’t he have rights to stay in the house?

[AnyFucker]

You said he has left before. He can do it again and this time don't be sweet talked.

And in the meantime, get the divorce under way.

[Mummug]

If the OP researched "aspergers wife" she would find similar traits. Sorry, not meaning to offend. Speaking from experience :-( My friend was involved with a narcissist and it was horrendous. Wish the OP all the best

[MotherofaSurvivor]

Keep your kids around this man and they will turn into him

[Greyday2]

What traits Mummug? AnyFucker I thought it might be easier to get the divorce after 2 years separation- I just can’t face a divorce alongside my son’s assessment.

[AnyFucker]

Well you need to actually separate then

[Greyday2]

Can I ask if anyone has had similar experiences to this?: over the years my husband has made small “accidental” physically aggressive gestures like: - when I startled him
in his bed on holiday because he was meant to be listening out for our child who was crying but my husband had his headphones on and was in another bed to me- I approached his bed when he wasn’t expecting and his foot went out to kick me which he said was because I startled him but it felt very strange. When I cut my finger on a knife in the dishwasher and had to go to a snd e leaving my small son with him, I was getting upset because I was in pain and bleeding and needed him to put things in a bag for me and he was doing it all wrong so I was exasperated with him so he threw the bag of things at me.
Once when we were having an argument I did a military style “ yes sir” gesture / salute from my head with my hand and he then did the same but his hand hit my arm - I said this upset me but he insisted it was just clumsiness. Am i right to think these are not normal accidents?

[IrisAtwood]

Absolutely awful for you Greyday2 - he sounds a bit like my recently ex-DP. Just a total lack of respect when I talk, mimicking me, eye rolling and telling me I’m mental when I get upset. He was otherwise wonderful but I’ve finally realised I deserve better. Nobody should be made to feel so crap by someone who is supposed to love them. It feels hard now, but honestly you will be so much happier without him. Even after a few weeks I can feel the lack of stress, I feel lighter without having to worry about saying the wrong thing or trying to hide if I’m upset because it will cause an argument. No one should live like that.

This is my experience too.

[IrisAtwood]

People with autism are generally not abusive. This man is a cunt. No connection with "autism" at all.

My ex has autism. He was also an abusive arsehole.
The two were not connected.

[Shoxfordian]

Do you have any real life support to help you op? He needs to leave and you need to call a solicitor today.

[Greyday2]

I feel so confused is the problem. He is such an intelligent well- read man and people are impressed and charmed by him. He can also be very generous - commuting for me, he has bought me lovely expensive gifts, he always tells me i loon lovely even when fat and pregnant. He had been very kind to my family although he says he’s kind to them because they are nice people whereas I am not.

[Greyday2]

And I don’t really have any rl support only elderly parents. I have few friends left as I’ve been such an exhausted angry mess who can never do anything and is always unhappy so I suppose they are bored of me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would think this man has been abusive throughout and simply further ramped up the abuse after you married and particularly when you became pregnant. Abuse is about power and control, he wants absolute over you here and you covering in a heap.

Abusers can appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world but you know his true nature here. I would think your true friends have been worried about you and have also their own private suspicions re your H. Abuse like you have experienced to date thrives on secrecy; do not keep this a secret any longer. He is also projecting his own self onto you; he is really what he says you are, not you. He has a problem with anger as well, your anger when you justifiably call him out on his behaviours.


Those incidents in your post of 6.17am were not accidental either; his actions here were all deliberate and done to further undermine you as a person. He will stop at nothing to destroy you all.

He has done a right number on you Greyday and this will take you an awful long time, perhaps years even now, to recover from. Giving their chosen target spaghetti head is not uncommon either.

Your own recovery from his abuse of you and in turn your children (good dads do not abuse their children's mother) will only properly start when you are separated completely from him. Enrolling yourself on to the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is a must do for you going forward as well as starting divorce proceedings.

Have you as yet talked to Womens Aid, if not I would also suggest you do this asap as well as contact the Rights of Women. I realise that this is all very scary re cannot face the divorce alongside your son's assessment but staying at all within this any longer will be a lot more damaging for you and in turn your children who see their mother being abused regularly. It can and will affect them, they cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what example did your parents show you?.

[MrsBertBibby]

OP I'm a family solicitor. I've dealt with probably hundreds of abusive relationships.

So so many women have insisted to me that their abusive partner is a confection of charm, charisma, intelligence and guile, that they will convince me, the judge, the CAFCASS officer, the police, and everyone else that it is he that is the poor oppressed husband, and the wife that is abusive, unreasonable, deranged, blah blah blah.

Doesn't happen. Because the professionals aren't blinded by years of conditioning.

It can be very disappointing. I rocked up to Court on one exceptionally nasty case on a firm promise of meeting George Clooney's long lost twin brother. He turned out to be a rat-faced short-arse whose efforts at bullying me caused me and (judging by her compressed lips) the judge some hilarity.

It is only you who are affected by his smokescreen.

Please go see a solicitor.

[pog100]

please stop putting yourself down. You are doing a bloody amazing job in terrible circumstances. Stop trying to see things from his point of view, he is an abusive idiot. His views on you are null and void. Please begin to plan, seriously, on splitting. You need a hug and someone to tell you how great you are!