my emotions just make him angry

[Greyday2]

My husband and father of my 3 month old girl and 3.5 year old son will leave soon. He hasn’t made plans yet but he “ can’t live with me anymore” and it is all due to my “ behaviour “ and the terrible way I treat him. I am very very upset as I still love him and can’t beleive he had such hatred for me. He texted me recently “ I fucking hate you, you’ve fucked up my life” after he left me to stay in a hotel. I tried to talk to him tonight because I couldn’t believe he wanted things to be so awful between us but he put the timer on his phone and made me not interrupt him for a minute and then told me why he “can’t talk to me” and then when I responded he interrupted me so I ended up raising my voice and then I was told it was not fair that I could raise my voice but he couldn’t shout at me ( he shouts at me a lot). He mimicked me “ whining” ( crying with distress). I am heartbroken at our failed marriage but all I do is anger him and all our conversations leave me wanting to put my head through the wall.

I thought abusive men were hypercritical of their partners telling them they are ugly ( he’s never done this), lazy ( it’s me who tells him he is), jealous ( he’s not and I’ve bever given him reason to be), ocd about the house ( he’s a slob). So it’s confusing. I do have spaghetti head.

Why in the world would he need to be critical of you when he has youbtrained to do that job for him?

Because that's his voice right there, saying you're over sensitive and hard to live with.

Thanks Pog100 and all. I did once go as far as seeing a solicitor after he told me to go and see my “fucking lawyer and let’s get on with the fucking story” and having used the only fortnightly time I got away from my son who wasn’t in nursery yet, to see this lawyer and £3k later he told me it was me rushing in and my fault ( when I asked him to share cost as it had been upon his instruction).

Yours is one of the worst examples of an abusive relationship I have read about and I have read a fair few examples on here. Like all bullies he is all bluster and hot air.

You need to seek legal advice again, the Rights of Women organisation can and will help you here also. No man is above the law here.

Last night he told me that the fact that I haven’t slept in the same bed as him for 5 years has been a big factor. I became very upset with him because the reason I moved beds was because before we had children he would come to bed very late and watch things on his phone next to me and I couldn’t sleep because of that and then because I was angry that he insisted upon these things and then because he snored and then when I badly burnt my leg one morning because I was so exhausted I couldn’t sleep next to him because I was I terrible pain and then I became afraid to sleep next to him after that because my sleep is so important to keeping my anxiety levels down and when I lay next to him I couldn’t sleep because my legs would ache. Then I became pregnant with our son and was uncomfortable so didn’t want to go back to the marital bed. When my son was born he was a very intensive baby and a terrible sleeper so we co slept and I exclusively breastfed and I didn’t want to disturb my husband who was commuting. My son only stoooed sleeping with me when I became pregnant with my daughter and now goes to daddy in the night. Now I co sleep with my daughter and things are so bad with husband I don’t want to go to bed with him. He enraged me by bringing this up as if I was neglectful.

When I have called him a bully in the past it makes him very angry.

I agree with the others, your relationship is abusive and his has so successfully gaslighted you you think its all your fault

What I don’t understand is he has everything to lose and nothing to gain- if he leaves , he loses his children most of the time and bonding time with our young daughter. He will also be much worse off financially as I own most of our home and he will have more outgoings. I really don’t think this is pre meditated in that way because it’s going to leave him in a shit situation and I feel very sad about that.

Its not your fault he is like this, you did not make him this way.

He has not gone yet and likely won't go quietly either because he likes having you around to abuse. You also clean up and cook after him. If you leave him he will then have to find another victim to manipulate just as you have been and that takes both time and work. He certainly does not need bonding time with his DD either because she certainly does not need an abuser as a male role model. All this man cares about is his own self; you people are non entities in his eyes and are certainly not equal.

Why do you feel sad for him; he is the one who has done this to you and in turn to your children. Such men like your H also hate women, all of them.

I thought abusive men were hypercritical of their partners telling them they are ugly ( he’s never done this), lazy ( it’s me who tells him he is), jealous ( he’s not and I’ve bever given him reason to be), ocd about the house ( he’s a slob)

My partner was just like this, always telling me how beautiful and wonderful I am, how I do things better than everyone else, how we were soul mates. He was the lazy 'laid back' one and I was unreasonable for wanting him to pick his dirty pants up off the floor or put his rubbish in the bin.

However, they can't be all bad otherwise we wouldn't stay with them. By interspersing the expensive gifts and compliments (which show the world what a wonderful partner he is and how lucky you are to have him) with the nasty put downs about you being mental and messed up, he was able to keep you confused enough that you couldn't label him as abusive - he bought you lovely gifts, he can't be abusive!

I also slept in separate beds (had to buy them for my house - I never slept at his house) because he wouldn't do anything about his snoring. I bought him a selection of stop-snoring aids once, put the bag onto his bed and he kicked them off towards me, then accused me of throwing them at him even though they were right next to his foot

When I have called him a bully in the past it makes him very angry. because his mask has slipped, you've seen him for who he is and he doesn't take criticism.

I've told mine he is a narcissist (which he accepts to a certain degree, but apparently his counsellor told him that wasn't necessarily a bad thing ) and a bully. He told me I wasn't allowed to call him that as it upset him, so I didn't do it again. He called me a cunt on several occasions, but "that's just a word" and he insisted that when he was angry he would call me whatever he chose, say what he liked, do what he wanted and if I didn't like it I would have to call the police to have him removed from my house.

Sorry to make this about my situation, but I am seeing a lot of parallels here and having finally woken up to the fact that mine was a toxic relationship at best, an abusive one at worst, I urge you to see him for what he is and realise that nothing you do will ever be enough for him to stop treating you like this. I was the 'perfect girlfriend' - gushed about his work, supported him emotionally, made him anything he wanted to eat, gave him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it in the bedroom - and outside of it - told him how handsome and wonderful he was and how much I loved him on a daily basis. He literally could not have asked for more. But as soon as I expressed a need or desire that he was expected to fulfill, fucking bitch, always getting at him. I was never going to be enough.

Honestly, this marriage is toxic and dangerous.

You know it can't carry on. Stop making excuses and DO something. He's a bully, abusive and you know it. Staying with him is just damaging your children more and more.

Its great you're posting on here but please please do something more constructive and pack him a bag, see a solicitor and get this sorted. Your kids will not thank you for staying with someone who makes you so miserable, trust me.

I don't think you can ever say abusive men are always anything. Different men are abusive in different ways, they don't ALL call you ugly or useless - sometimes they never say anything bad at all. They just show, through their behaviour, that they think you are lesser than them.

Just because a man doesn't behave in ways that you consider abusive, doesn't mean he isn't. You just have a different tolerance level than others.

Because he has no plans to leave just to hold it over you and he believes you are never going to get him to leave. its all about control

Abusive people wreck lives. Including their own. You cannot rescue him from himself. Save yourself