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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man - am I going to get hurt?

70 replies

DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:25

I've met a guy who I really like and I think he really likes me too. We've had a few dates and we click so well. But.. he came out of a very long term relationship almost a year ago and he's still clearly hurt. She was abusive and controlling and he's terrified of being in the same position again. For that reason he doesn't want a relationship and although I'm in no rush to make things official - I'd like to think that it was leading somewhere.

The thing is, I can see myself falling for him in time but is it going to end in (my) tears? Do I end it now before it's even properly begun?

OP posts:
Ifailed · 16/02/2018 10:27

He's be honest, unless you think you can somehow change his mind, then you know the answer to your question.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2018 10:28

Yes. You want a relationship and he doesn't. He might well sleep with you and draw you in, then dump you with the words 'but I told you I didn't want a relationship!'

And they all have exes who were 'abusive and controlling'. Just be aware that he might be projecting..

But, your life, your choice.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:33

I didn't think of it that way, because he's been honest he can always use the 'I told you I didn't want a relationship' thing if I do end up getting hurt. He wants to keep on seeing me and he says he's happy not to have sex if I think it will make things too difficult.

I don't know whether to just carry on seeing him to see how it goes, the other night he said he could see us together - it's all so conflicting Confused

OP posts:
SillyLittleBiscuit · 16/02/2018 10:35

I'd say you probably will end up hurt. Agree with the 'they all have exes who were abusive and controlling' line but even if that's true why bother investing in someone who's clearly said he doesn't want relationship?

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2018 10:38

He's the controlling one. He's trying to draw you in! All that 'I can see us together' stuff? Why would he say that if he clearly doesn't want a relationship, isn't over his ex, and is supposedly scared of getting involved?

He is the controller. He is trying to control you. He's using 'we won't have sex' as a lure. Stay away from this one.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:44

Have I really been falling for all this? I thought he was genuine.

Why am I bothering with someone who doesn't want a relationship? I'm never going to change his mind am I?

OP posts:
Chippyway · 16/02/2018 10:45

Oh my god. The absolute hypocrisy of some of these replies!

If a woman comes on here and says she’s met somebody but had previously been in an abusive relationship and wanted to take things slowly in the new one, everybody would be telling her she’s making the right choice and that if the new man was a decent person he’d respect that and go at her pace

Yet when a man says the exact same thing you get posters insinuating he’s lying/exaggerating about the abusive relationship, and that he’s obviously gunna use the OP.

Next time a woman posts on here and says she’s in a new relationship but her last one was abusive I’m gunna reply with “oh come on, that’s what you always say Hmm stop using the new bloke! Jeez” and see the flaming I get

Respect the fact he’s been honest with you. He’s been open. Either accept that or walk away, it’s really not that difficult.

As for the other posters insinuating he’s lying about an abusive relationship to not commit - shame on you

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2018 10:47

Chippy he's said he doesn't want a relationship. OP does. Surely if she tries to force him into a relationship he doesn't want, then she's in the wrong?

CaMePlaitPas · 16/02/2018 10:48

I can't believe men are still trotting out the old "I'm not ready for a relationship" excuse and women are still falling for it. OP, how to say this without sounding awful and bitter - ugh - this man doesn't want a relationship with you, not now and probably not in the future. I could be wrong but if you were the right woman for him he would be snapping at your heels, regardless of whether he has been hurt in the past or not. You deserve better than the ifs, buts and maybes.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 10:51

The conflicting messages would have me running for the hills.
And sorry Chippy but you see loads on here where the Ex is crazy, controlling etc.... and it ends up being the one saying it who is.
We ALL know it's a red flag when they say things like this!

Basically OP, if you want a relationship and he doesn't then this won't go the way you want it to.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:52

After the first date he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't want to string me along. I obviously didn't want to be strung along either so I left him to it and we didn't speak for a few weeks. Then he came back asking me to go out for a drink, still reiterating that he didn't want a relationship. I was happy to go along with it in the hopes that he would eventually change his mind and decide he could be with me. I do believe that his ex is abusive. I don't think he's lying about that.

How do I handle this? What do I say to him?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 11:01

I would probably just be honest.
'You tell me you don't want a relationship, however, I do. So this isn't going to work for me so it's best we end things now'

SundaysFunday · 16/02/2018 11:06

Yes, what @hellsbellsmelons said 100%

SparklyMagpie · 16/02/2018 11:10

Exactly what hellsbells has said

niceupthedance · 16/02/2018 11:21

Why did he come back after three weeks if he hadn't changed his mind?

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 11:29

I don't know why he came back, I really don't. So far, I've been very understanding and have told him that there's no pressure from me to start a relationship any time soon. I've made it clear that I don't just want sex and I do believe that he doesn't just want that either. But what does he want? I either carry on seeing him in the hope that he changes his mind or I nip it in the bud now. We have such a good connection though that I'm reluctant to let him go Confused

OP posts:
TheStoic · 16/02/2018 12:08

Respect the fact he’s been honest with you. He’s been open. Either accept that or walk away, it’s really not that difficult.

So...literally what everyone else has said.

TheStoic · 16/02/2018 12:10

He has been honest with you, OP. You can either delay the pain, or get it over with now and be free and open to meet someone on the same page as you.

Chocolate123 · 16/02/2018 12:14

I've been somewhere similar after 3 months he told me yes he wanted a relationship after originally saying he didn't. Everything was going great or so I thought until 3 months later he said goodbye I don't want to be in a relationship. I'd no clue as we had spent the most amazing weekend away together. I'd never do that again as it hurt too much. If I was you I'd leave now before you get in too deep.

ThisLittleKitty · 16/02/2018 12:40

This literally just happened to my sister. She spent a year trying to change his mind, and guess what, he never did. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free springs to mind. Not to be nasty but if he's getting everything without the title what makes you think he will change his mind? He can have all the perks without it.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 12:44

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? - I think this has hit the nail on the head for me. Like you say, why would he change his mind?

OP posts:
TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 16/02/2018 12:48

Why date if you aren't ready for a relationship? You fill in the dots OP.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/02/2018 12:53

Then he came back asking me to go out for a drink, still reiterating that he didn't want a relationship. I was happy to go along with it in the hopes that he would eventually change his mind and decide he could be with me.

From his point of view: "I was very clear about not wanting a relationship. I consider that this disclaimer supercedes all other info, including perceived "mixed messages" such as if I am very affectionate to her, cuddle her, take her out, tell her I'm falling for her, etc - none of that should be read as meaning I am changing my mind. If DuskTilDawn agrees to date me, she must therefore be cool with this get-out clause."

From your point of view: "He said he didn't want a relationship, yet he treats me like this is developing into something. he says he is falling for me, seems to want to spend more and more time with me, messages every day, etc. Surely he wouldn't do that if he didn't want me to be his girlfriend?"

But what does he want?
Exactly what he's getting - the girlfriend experience. He enjoys your company, likes spending time with you, is (probably) enjoying the emotional intimacy between you and (of course) the sex.

Because you are sleeping with him, right? I know he's nobly agreed to stop the sex if you think you can't handle it and will inevitably fall in love with him. But I reckon that, if you took him up on that offer and removed the sexual element from your dates, he would quickly try to reinstate it. Most likely by ramping up the suggestion of emotional commitment, then letting you both "get carried away in the moment". You would assume he was sleeping with you because he had feelings. He would assume that you were cool with just shagging sometimes.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 13:30

We haven't had sex yet, I wanted to wait (in case he changed his mind). He's not going to though is he?

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 16/02/2018 14:29

Cut bait, OP. You're worth someone who actively wants to go out with you and is, in fact, excited about the prospect. Not someone who (for whatever reason) is not currently able and willing to have a relationship.

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