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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man - am I going to get hurt?

70 replies

DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:25

I've met a guy who I really like and I think he really likes me too. We've had a few dates and we click so well. But.. he came out of a very long term relationship almost a year ago and he's still clearly hurt. She was abusive and controlling and he's terrified of being in the same position again. For that reason he doesn't want a relationship and although I'm in no rush to make things official - I'd like to think that it was leading somewhere.

The thing is, I can see myself falling for him in time but is it going to end in (my) tears? Do I end it now before it's even properly begun?

OP posts:

falang · 17/02/2018 06:32

End with something along the lines of 'I know you've been through a lot with your ex and you're not ready for a relationship. I don't want you to feel under any pressure from me so it's best if I don't see you. If you change your mind and do want a relationship get in touch and we'll take it from there'. But he does sound like a twat so you're better off never seeing him again tbh.

TangledSlinky · 17/02/2018 08:30

I've been in your shoes OP. We accidentally fell into a "thing" which in honesty was a relationship in all but name as he wasn't ready for a relationship.

I stuck it out for the best part of a year, as he'd been cheated on and badly hurt by his ex and I was convinced that once he realised I was different we'd be a proper couple.

On the few occasions I brought it up he'd tell me he was confused, but I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he didn't want to lose me. Things cooled when he met someone (apparently they had no chemistry but he was curious about her) and was funnily enough ready for a relationship almost overnight. Even then he was telling me he knew this would be the biggest regret of his life as I meant so much to him.

They're still together now a fair few years later, although I did awkwardly cringe a few months back when she tagged him in an anniversary post on FB and I realised there was a cross over of a good few months where he was clearly seeing the both of us. Kinda put his poor little lamb act into perspective

littleskittle · 17/02/2018 10:25

Agh @TangledSlinky I went through something almost identical, down to the overlap with the next girl. And then later stupidly got back with him and he did same thing with another girl. And all along he was 'poor me, ex hurt me so much, just not ready' etc...

OP get out now while you still can!

RidingWindhorses · 17/02/2018 10:27

Tell him you don't have time for confused people.

user1469600586 · 17/02/2018 10:36

Sounds like far too much effort OP.
New relationships or even fwb dating are meant to be fun.

No point debating whether he's in it or not. That fact that you're having to debate it this early on should be reason enough. Cut your losses and make space to meet someone less complicated.

BeenThereDating · 17/02/2018 11:03

He's enjoying the chase and knows exactly what to say to reel you in because he's well-versed in this and it usually works for him. I don't doubt that he's drawn to you. Because he wants to shag you. My money's on you convincing yourself that the amazing connection you have (lust and attraction chemicals being released by your brain) signifies that you're supposed to be together spinning in the solar system for eternity. You shag him because he seems more convincing that he probably maybe might want a relationship now. Then he gets clarity of thought and realises he's not ready for a relationship and has always been honest with you so his conscience is clear. Online dating is full of vanishing connections, false promises and wasted shags. You've just got to learn to spot the perpetrators and weed them out.

Chippyway · 17/02/2018 11:05

I’m not sure if you’re being deliberately obtuse or you’re just a bit slow. It doesn’t MATTER whether he was in an abusive relationship before. What matters is that he has explicitly said he doesn’t want another relationship now

Errr yes that’s my exact point he’s said he does not want a relationship right now yet the OP has created a thread wanting to know what to do. It doesn’t take a genius to know she should walk away so why is she even asking??

If she stayed hanging around waiting for him but he met somebody else she’d be calling him every name under the sun.

He’s been honest, he’s told her he doesn’t want a relationship. I don’t see what the problem is??

ALittleBitConfused1 · 17/02/2018 11:14

He wants sex, it may be regular sex with just you, or it may not who knows.
He may have been in an abusive relationship or not, again who knows.
The thing is he doesn't want to:
Plan a future with you
Consider living with you
Call you his gf
Fall in love with you
Share his life with you
Meet your parents/friends
Go on holiday with you
Or any of those other things you do in a relationship.
Either accept that or move on.

Original poster

DusktilDawn · 17/02/2018 11:17

Wow. The worrying thing is that, if it wasn't for this thread, I would have probably carried on seeing him . How could I have been so fucking naive and stupid?

I've sent him a message saying I'll make it easy for him by walking away and all the best for the future.

OP posts:

ThisLittleKitty · 17/02/2018 11:22

Op what does his pof say he is looking for?? Would like to know if he is being honest on there. (Sorry if you already answered this and I missed it)

Original poster

DusktilDawn · 17/02/2018 11:27

To be fair it says he wants to date but nothing serious. But in the first few messages he said if he met a girl he could see a relarionship with then he would welcome it with open arms

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 17/02/2018 11:44

This does seem to be a commonly used line and then the new woman does everything she can to be different from the evil ex and not put pressure on him. He then has carte blanche to come in and out of her life as he wants and any normal expectations like letting you know in good time if he isn't coming over or not staying out all night without notice when you live together, are met with 'You are being controlling just like xxx' There are a few threads like this at the moment including a very intelligent successful woman who has let her partner treat her appallingly because she was was so desperate to be different from his controlling ex.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2018 11:48

if he met a girl he could see a relationship with then he would welcome it with open arms

Which, in this case, he hasn't has he? "Confused" is a long way from "open arms".

Anyway, you've decided to let him go. That does look like the sensible way forward. Somewhere out there is a lovely man who really does want a relationship and you can now get on with meeting him!

BeenThereDating · 17/02/2018 11:54

Well OP he has been decent enough to write what he wants all over his tin! Wants to date but nothing serious does mean exactly that. If you want a relationship then don't fish for a man stating those intentions. As for his open arms comment it probably eased his conscience.

On the subject of whether or not he had an abusive ex think about it in terms of probability. How many of your female friends would be capable of abusive behaviour? I know it does happen but Mother Nature made women so we'd feed and nurture our children. If his ex was abusive then my guess is that she must have endured a lot to get to breaking point or she was mentally ill and needed help. I bet that was never diagnosed...

Classic red flags for dating are when men (or women) lay it on thick about the failings of their exes, the baggage, not wanting your baggage etc. You usually find that these men have a string of exes with 'problems' when the only common denominator is that man. Don't rescue someone and be their saviour when you're online dating as you'll just be the next ex with issues at some point.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 17/02/2018 19:12

Wow. The worrying thing is that, if it wasn't for this thread, I would have probably carried on seeing him How could I have been so fucking naive and stupid?

Ah the beauty of MN.

I wish I'd had MN years ago when I got into a seriously abusive relationship, probably would have got out years before he tried to kill me and I had to literally run for my life, barefoot and everything.

You are so far from stupid, I promise.

So many wise women on MN who have been through horrifically abusive relationships give such great advice here.

I would advise doing the Freedom Programme.....it's often "dismissed" as just for seriously abused women.....but actually, one of the brilliant things it did was teach me much higher boundaries for relationships.

Olympiathequeen · 17/02/2018 19:19

This smells to me like a man who just isn’t that interested in you and is stringing you along until something better turns up.

littleskittle · 17/02/2018 20:31

Good for you for taking decisive action!

There will be someone out there who will meet you, and you will both know you want to be with one another right away. And you'll be so glad you didn't waste any more time on this guy.

Now block his number so he can't try to reel you back in with any 'but one day I might change my mind' type crap!

lilybetsy · 17/02/2018 21:09

Very simply, if he does not what a relationship, why is he on a dating site? I do not want a relationship at the moment and do not go on dates, am not on any dating sites and keep myself busy with my friends family and children
He is giving you mixed messages.
Personally i would avoid.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/02/2018 21:37

People are all different, of course, but when I broke up with my abusive ex, I definitely didn't want another relationship and didn't have a date for 11 years. I most certainly wouldn't have joined a dating site! I've come across the POF "wants to date but nothing serious" and avoid it like the plague, even when (especially when) they say "ah, but if I met the right person, who knows ....?" as if they are some amazing prize and that you might, just might, if you are that special, manage to sway their mind.

Josuk · 17/02/2018 23:06

OP - may I just ask how you went from ‘no pressure to start a relationship’ - to almost asking the man who’d only seen you a few times to decide if he ‘wants you or not’....
What sort of deadline are you on?
What’s wrong with dating and getting to know each other - and then deciding????

And - btw - since you weren’t yet exclusive - why all the pressure on this one? Why not keep looking around and taking to more people?

Even if you forced this particular man to say that he ‘wanted a relationship in general’ - what guarantee would your have that he’d want a relationship with YOU????
And - also btw - if he were more cynical - he’d just tell you what you want to hear.

I guess - what I am trying to say in a long winded way - there are very few guarantees in life. And unless you are prepared to take a risk and open up to a potental hurt - you are unlikely to find what you are looking for.

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