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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man - am I going to get hurt?

70 replies

DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 10:25

I've met a guy who I really like and I think he really likes me too. We've had a few dates and we click so well. But.. he came out of a very long term relationship almost a year ago and he's still clearly hurt. She was abusive and controlling and he's terrified of being in the same position again. For that reason he doesn't want a relationship and although I'm in no rush to make things official - I'd like to think that it was leading somewhere.

The thing is, I can see myself falling for him in time but is it going to end in (my) tears? Do I end it now before it's even properly begun?

OP posts:
Chippyway · 16/02/2018 15:28

Right okay, so when a man says he has previously been in an abusive relationship it means he’s probably lying and he is the controlling one yet when a woman says it, it’s the truth and nobody questions it

Right, okay. Yet again the sexism is unreal Hmm

I don’t even know what the big deal here is? He’s told you he doesn’t want a relationship. You do. Why are you even questioning what to do? You want different things - so you walk away.

Perhaps the next person he confides in about having been in an abusive relationship won’t assume he’s lying Confused

RidingWindhorses · 16/02/2018 15:34

You'd be better off talking to him about it than us because everyone here is responding on the basis of their past experiences of men, rather than this particular man, whom none of us know.

Ask him - what he wants, why is he giving mixed messages, whether he is confused (he sounds it) and why he is hanging around you when he says he doesn't want a relationship.

Sometimes people say that because they genuinely don't, sometimes people say that to reassure themselves that they're not going to get hurt.

Mirrormirrorotw · 16/02/2018 15:42

He’s a chancer. If he really was a decent guy who was afraid of getting hurt again he’d leave you be since he’d fully aware you want different things. And yet he’s come back and asked to see you, again. Bollocks to his crap - he wants sex with the get out clause and zero commitment. Walk away.

Cricrichan · 16/02/2018 18:19

So he wants a friend?

Regardless of whether he really is scared after being in a controlling relationship, you do want a relationship so get out now before you fall for him.

ScreamingValenta · 16/02/2018 18:22

I would respect his honesty, but walk away, as it's clear you're looking for different things.

Plumsofwrath · 16/02/2018 18:24

If it confuses this much, it’s not right. Seriously, iif it’s right you wouldn’t have to ask.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 18:33

I spoke to him about it and told him how I feel. He says he doesn't know whether he needs days or weeks to think but that he knows he definitely wants to see me again.

If he wanted me then he'd know now wouldn't he?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2018 18:34

Days or weeks to think about what?

He either wants a relationship or he doesn't. If he doesn't know, then he doesn't want one.

RidingWindhorses · 16/02/2018 18:38

What is there to think about exactly?

What does see you again mean? At this point either you shift from dating towards a relationship. If he's not up for that then you move on.

If he was with someone abusive you might suggest the Freedom Programme. But you can't hang around while he sorts himself out.

Eslteacher06 · 16/02/2018 19:35

You definitely need to read the book 'He's Just Not That Into You'. It's a great read! I'd leave him to it because that kind of treatment will set up the future of the relationship. The reality of losing you should give his head a wobble...if it doesn't then you've had a lucky escape!

NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 20:25

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Every time I read this vile and misogynist phrase trotted out I want to claw my own face off.

OP this man is not relationship material. Move on!

FrogFairy · 16/02/2018 20:29

How did you meet him?
If he doesn’t want a relationship, why is he dating?
What does he want, one night stands, companionship or something else?

I am not looking for a relationship. I do not use dating sites or put myself out there in any way.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/02/2018 20:39

He has told you he doesn't want a relationship right now , don't invest anymore of your time or emotions , date someone who is wanting the same as you !! Time is precious , don't waste it .

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 16/02/2018 20:47

Yeah well my ex told me his ex was abusive and that's why he did xyz things.

Turned out he was horrifically abusive, not the ex....so excuse me for the perfectly placed cynicism Chippy Hmm

Men are much more likely to be abusive in hetero relationships than women.

Thats a fact.

And many women with abusive exes will tell you the classic script is them claiming to be the abused, not the abuser

TheStoic · 16/02/2018 22:31

Perhaps the next person he confides in about having been in an abusive relationship won’t assume he’s lying

I’m not sure if you’re being deliberately obtuse or you’re just a bit slow. It doesn’t MATTER whether he was in an abusive relationship before. What matters is that he has explicitly said he doesn’t want another relationship now.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 16/02/2018 23:11

I met him on POF. He's still messaging me saying he's confused and doesn't want to let me go blah blah blah. I don't know what to say to him.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 16/02/2018 23:45

Probably the time you didn’t hear from him he was seeing someone else but had you on the back burner to fall back on.

Is he honest on his POF profile the he does not want a relationship?

Somerville · 16/02/2018 23:49

Just block him. Or tell him you have plenty of friends already and want to date men who, like you, are in a healthy place for a relationship.

Dozer · 16/02/2018 23:50

Wanting to see you is not wanting a relationship. Waste of your time. As is the angsty messages.

If he doesn’t want a relationship why is he dating, or making it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship before meeting people?

Hermonie2016 · 17/02/2018 00:16

Then he came back asking me to go out for a drink, still reiterating that he didn't want a relationship. I was happy to go along with it in the hopes that he would eventually change his mind and decide he could be with me

I think he is trying to change YOUR mind.
Wear you down, lots of confusion about his confusion.He is on a dating site!!!! Its either a relationship or sex he is after.He has told you its not a relationship...ergo

I would definitely be cautious of a man on a dating site, claiming he doesnt want a relationship (therefore sex) and saying ex was a abusive.
Women can be abusive but it is more likely he was.I also fell for "my ex was abusive" and I did witness some not great behaviour from her but having been on the receiving end I can see why she would be highly reactive.Also ex genuinely thought me standing up to him was abusive.If I had a different opinion I was belittling him.He truly believed it so he is convincing.

I don't think if you had abuse you reveal past relationship abuse so earlier on...unless you are looking for reasons why you want to just sex (but can't be honest enough to say it).It much more plausible that he is looking for sex but to keep the "nice guy" image he has this backstory.Do you know the Mr Nice Guy type?

I bet if you shag him he will ghost you.

trackrBird · 17/02/2018 01:51

What does he want? Don’t know, but my guess: He wants to date/sleep with lots of women. He likes the look of you, and hopes you’ll be one of them, so is keeping you on a back burner. Hence ‘I’m confused’, and ‘days or weeks’ - that’s to keep you on the hook, while he’s seeing other people.

When he says he doesn’t want a relationship that is the literal truth. Saying he’s ‘not ready’ is his attempt at politeness.

I have no doubt the ex was not abusive, and the likelihood is, he is. You will be better off without this one. Really, you will thank yourself.

slothface · 17/02/2018 02:45

End it. Whatever his reasons for not wanting a relationship - and there's no reason they aren't genuine - the fact is he doesn't know if he wants one and you do. You're not on the same page. You're right, if he felt like things might lead to something more serious and was open to that happening, he wouldn't be unsure and he wouldn't have to think about it

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 17/02/2018 04:21

Yup I agree - end it.

I ended a relationship with a 'confused' partner and it was completely liberating. Absolutely the right thing to do.

I'm not saying this will happen but in my case it really focused their mind and they realised the huge loss of 'us' and came back to me very certain after all that they actually did want a relationship.

But even if they hadn't made that decision the sense of freedom it gave me by being able to say 'I'm not being messed around in this way - this is not what I want in a relationship and I deserve more - so I'm out' was hugely empowering.

daisychain01 · 17/02/2018 05:06

the other night he said he could see us together

Oh this old chestnut! Like he's gazing mistily onto the horizon imagining you strolling hand in hand into the sunset.

Utter tosh.

And he "doesn't know if he wants a relationship" but he's still managed to put himself out there on PoF. Riiiiight. Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

adayatthebeach · 17/02/2018 05:28

Such good advice on here. I hope the OP has made the right decision. I knew a women that finally found true love on POF but she’d been single 15 years and had kissed a lot of frogs off of that dating site.She learned a lot about men and was very savvy by the time she finally found the one! Surprised me because after all that time she’s become quite jaded and ran through men like water. So OP there are a lots of frogs and fishes on POF. Wait for the prize!

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