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Original poster

Stay friends or walk away?

67 replies

Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 10:02

Can you stay friends with an ex you love when they have finished it to be with someone else? My ex called off our relationship last week after cooling things down for a while without explanation. He has asked to stay friends as in proper meet for a drink, watch a film, chat on the phone type friends rather than just saying that we’ll be friends but not actually doing that. He cares about me and I think he wants me in his life still because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. He has fallen in love with someone else and is starting a relationship with her. There has been an overlap between the two of us on an emotional level, I am not sure if it has been physical.

I’m angry and upset. I don’t want to lose him from my life totally, the thought breaks my heart, but I know that seeing him as friends when we used to be intimate would break my heart too as would seeing his new relationship develop into what I wanted.

I’m worried I would see him as a friend all the while hoping he would come back which is just prolonging the agony. Or could I learn to just see him as a friend and enjoy having him in my life, I get on incredibly well with him. If you want an ex to miss you and rethink, are you better staying friends or walking away and letting them live without yo?

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 10:03

What about photos, gifts, texts etc? I keep looking at these. Do I delete or keep?

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 16/02/2018 10:05

Imo unless you have dc then keeping in touch prevents you moving on. He clearly has already hasn't he?? He isn't a friend really, so rip the plaster and go cold turkey.

StripeyDeckchair · 16/02/2018 10:09

Why would you want to be friends with someone who has had an affair while they were in a relationship with you?

Sounds like he wants to keep you handy in case the new relationship doesn't work out.

Say no. Move forward without him.

disappearingninepatch · 16/02/2018 10:09

I'd walk away, OP. He really isn't your friend, is he?

He wants me in his life still because he doesn’t want to say goodbye.

I bet he does. Cake and eat it springs to mind. Give yourself a chance to get over him.

Oldbrook · 16/02/2018 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/02/2018 10:11

Imo no.

You were not right for him then and you won’t be in the future. Find your self respect and cut him off.

Having an emotional affair is also not acceptable and shows his true colours.

Mum4Fergus · 16/02/2018 10:12

He said 'goodbye' to you and your relationship the minute he invested time in your replacement. Cut him loose and move on x

BewareOfDragons · 16/02/2018 10:15

Walk away. 'Friends' don't treat friends like this. He's not your friend.

You are worth more. Believe that. Don't allow people who treat you so poorly to continue to do so.

Lovecats000 · 16/02/2018 10:58

Sorry, I know it's bloody hard letting go but this is not a friend (he was emotionally elsewhere during your relationship) and it will only cause more heartache seeing him with his new partner.

I'd say cut ties and look to move on. You're worth far more than this. Flowers

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2018 10:59

I dont think his new girlfriend would be happy for him to meet up with you regularly for movies, drinks etc.. If he is being serious here, he hasn't thought it through.
If you really want to stay friends, it might be possible in a few years time, but at the moment it would he very hard for you.
I'd have a clean break, you'll get over it quicker.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 11:04

So you are his 'fall back girl'
Don't be anybody's 2nd choice.
Tell him to get to fuck and try to move on with your life.
Being friends with someone you love who clearly doesn't love you will never work out in your favour.
You will just get more and more hurt.
Block, delete, ignore!
Get out and about and keep yourself busy but do NOT remain friends with this manipulative asshole.
You deserve better than this and you know it.

WillowWept · 16/02/2018 11:05

What does friendship mean the you?

For me it's someone who cares about me and my feelings, who I have fun with, who lifts me up and is honest and fair. It's someone whom I can trust and rely on, whom I can confide in without judgemen.

It's not someone who lies or hurts me. Who makes me feel vulnerable or unworthy.

Think about which category your ex falls into

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 11:14

He has never treated me with the respect he shows others. I know that I’m only wanting to keep the friendship in the hope he would change his mind which would tear me apart longterm and waste time I could devote to finding someone who genuinely wants me. He made his choice the minute he started withdrawing from me to start things with her. He is worried I will say something to her as she would not be happy that he has been starting a relationship with her whilst having sex with me. He has known her far longer than me. I am not sure if that’s is the motivation for staying friends (keeps me quiet and on his side).

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 11:16

If you know the other woman is very vulnerable to being taken advantage of and hurt, should you tell her what has happened or keep out of it?

OP posts:
Screamingontheinside · 16/02/2018 11:16

He wants to be friends with benefits. Hold your head high and walk away x

AnyFucker · 16/02/2018 11:18

He just wants to salve his conscience

Don't let him use you like that. Tell him to stick his "friendship" where the sun don't shine

expatinscotland · 16/02/2018 11:19

He's not a friend. You need to go to no contact with him. I'd tell his new squeeze, too. He's a player.

demirose87 · 16/02/2018 11:21

No, what he's doing is unfair because he's preventing you from moving on as he knows you still love him, while he gets to keep you there in the background as back up and also have the new woman. He's selfish.
Also I wouldn't want to be his new woman either with keeping in regular contact with the ex. He doesn't show respect for either of you and only cares about what he wants out of this arrangement.
Tell him he made his choice and he has to stand by it. Don't waste anymore time on this loser.

RandomMess · 16/02/2018 11:22

He wants you on hand if it doesn't work out with OW!

BackToThe90s · 16/02/2018 11:26

The thing is even if you do stay friends in the hope that he will say ok let's give this another try, it will never be the same the second time around. Although you'll love him there will always be insecurity and resentment deep down. Hanging on as friends for something you think you want now because you love him and are scared to lose him is just going to mess your head and emotions.

My advice would be to go cold turkey. If he asks then explain you're hurt and need time to heal and by meeting up with him is like starting the same agonising process all over again. Wish him well with his new girlfriend and let him go. He may well say he's changed his mind when he sees you not being a doormat moving on but it's all too little too late. Can you ever trust him again?

I promise you in 6 months/a years time you will look back without regret at not staying friends/hanging around in the wings to be picked at his convenience. You'll feel proud of yourself for gaining dignity and self respect and not allowing this man to determine your self worth by making you feel 2nd best.

Good luck and I hope you move on from this man because no good can come from hanging around. X

BackToThe90s · 16/02/2018 11:29

And no I would stay away from the other woman because that'll give him ammunition to start painting you as the "crazy jealous ex" when things start getting messy. Stay well out of it.

Ellendegeneres · 16/02/2018 12:08

He’s never shown you the respect he shows others? So he doesn’t even like you then, surely? Because I treat my friends with respect, with care.
You’re his side chick. His ego boost.
I know it’s hard, but delete any messages you get, block him- cold turkey. Sooner you get over the feeling of wanting to speak to him/ be around him, sooner you’ll actually appreciate that he’s a user who you’re better off not knowing.

Long term, he’s done you a favour. You describe the new girl as vulnerable- so are you. Focus on you.

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 14:03

I’m finding it so difficult to keep my self respect because I want to be with him and make it all right again. It’s obvious though that I’d never be able to trust him again. I think he’s kept me dangling until he was sure he had something with his new partner. Keeping me as a friend is genuine on his part but it gives him the best of both worlds - contact with me on a platonic basis , a emotional and sexual relationship with her and no guilt plus no risk of her being told what has gone on.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeary · 16/02/2018 14:12

You see everything do clearly OP.

You know what the right thing is.

The sooner you block and delete this coward from every part of your life, the sooner you can be heart-whole to meet someone worthy of you.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 14:16

And don't forget he's a lying cheating scumbag to boot!
Don't give him the satisfaction.

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