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Original poster

Stay friends or walk away?

67 replies

Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 10:02

Can you stay friends with an ex you love when they have finished it to be with someone else? My ex called off our relationship last week after cooling things down for a while without explanation. He has asked to stay friends as in proper meet for a drink, watch a film, chat on the phone type friends rather than just saying that we’ll be friends but not actually doing that. He cares about me and I think he wants me in his life still because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. He has fallen in love with someone else and is starting a relationship with her. There has been an overlap between the two of us on an emotional level, I am not sure if it has been physical.

I’m angry and upset. I don’t want to lose him from my life totally, the thought breaks my heart, but I know that seeing him as friends when we used to be intimate would break my heart too as would seeing his new relationship develop into what I wanted.

I’m worried I would see him as a friend all the while hoping he would come back which is just prolonging the agony. Or could I learn to just see him as a friend and enjoy having him in my life, I get on incredibly well with him. If you want an ex to miss you and rethink, are you better staying friends or walking away and letting them live without yo?

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 14:20

I’m putting it off because I have so much love for him and it means giving up on the things I hoped I’d have one day with him. Instead I will see him do all those things with someone else. That hurts so much but I’m terrified of how I would feel with the contact gone and am scared of making the choice that will be right in the long run. How easy is it to change sexual love into friendly platonic love?

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 16/02/2018 14:22

I think its delusional on your part to hang on hoping he will become your partner long term but you know that. Obviously hes trying to keep you sweet so you don't tell his girlfriend.
I wouldnt tell her I would just block him. I would also be angry that he made you do a pick me dance.
Move on and find someone else.

aftertheevent · 16/02/2018 14:23

How can you love him when he clearly prefers someone else and has cheated on you. There is no point as he doesnt love you back. Tell him to f off.

confusion39 · 16/02/2018 14:26

My ex wanted to do this..cake and eat it as others said I think..walk away!

aftertheevent · 16/02/2018 14:28

Also the wanting to be friends thing isn't real. Hes just spinning you words and no he wont be meeting up with you. Hes letting you down gently for fear of consequences.
He really doesn't want you in hi life at all or he wouldn't have got himself a new girlfriend.
Early days yet but you will move on in time to someone better.

MrsArthurShappey · 16/02/2018 14:33

I’m angry and upset
Not nearly enough!

He has never treated me with the respect he shows others
Why would you want to be friends (let alone more) with someone who doesn't respect you?

Instead I will see him do all those things with someone else
He's punished you enough, you don't need to punish yourself on top of that!

How easy is it to change sexual love into friendly platonic love?
In some cases, quite easy. For you, and the situation you've outlined? Impossible.

MrsArthurShappey · 16/02/2018 14:37

His motivation is faaaaaar from honest and noble. Either:
a) he's keeping you in reserve, or
b) he knows on some level that he's an absolute shit but by staying friends he doesn't need to feel guilty about that.

There's only one person who will give one shiny shit about your feelings, and it's not him! It doesn't much sound like it's you either, sadly.

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 14:52

Mrsarthur, he has acknowledged that he’s behaved as a complete shit towards me. He was clever and kept our relationship status ambiguous so that he can now say that it wasn’t cheating.

OP posts:
MrsArthurShappey · 16/02/2018 14:59

he has acknowledged that he’s behaved as a complete shit towards me

He doesn't care though does he?

demirose87 · 16/02/2018 15:08

You don't really want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you. Be the stronger person by cutting him out. He chose to leave you for someone else, yet he's the one not brave enough to cut ties and keep you there as a back up plan.

Vitalogy · 16/02/2018 15:27

It's no good OP. Soul destroying that's what it will be. No contact is the only way. You deserve to have someone adore you the way you would them. Best wishes

AnyFucker · 16/02/2018 15:29

Don't be such a bloody doormat. He's taking the piss and what's more you know it. That "future" you envisaged was never gonna happen.

FluffyWuffyToiletSeatCover · 16/02/2018 15:29

Op, my lovely, you are ten times the person he is. And he knows it. And by keeping you hanging on, he knows he is stopping you meeting someone else (who will value you) as then you won’t be his back up girl. Selfish git.

Block and delete. Make future plans without him, a holiday with your friends perhaps?
For you, and a big hug 💐💐💐

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/02/2018 15:32

OP, I know it's painful but I really think it will be better (and healthier) for you long-term to walk away. Sod that, run!

It's like taking off a plaster - do it quickly and get it over with. This man has zero respect for you or he wouldn't even ASK that.

Go out with some friends this weekend, get sloshed, have a big cry and start healing. It will take a while but you will get there. Flowers

NurseButtercup · 16/02/2018 15:38

He was clever and kept our relationship status ambiguous so that he can now say that it wasn’t cheating.

Find your anger so that your rose tinted lenses will fall away and can see him for the manipulative man that he is.

Block, delete and walk away - you deserve friends that actually care about you and treat you with respect. Flowers

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 16:18

I feel very manipulated and I feel that I have been blamed by him for the reasons why he got together with his new woman, eg, I was happy with our relationship being undefined. If a man knows someone platonically for almost a year and spends lots of time with her (unknown to me) it seems odd he has only recently developed feelings for her, I’m sure he had feelings all along and was playing the waiting game.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2018 16:24

You feel manipulated because you have been manipulated.
Now cut him out of your life and get on with yours.

BackToThe90s · 16/02/2018 16:30

This will eat you up inside you hang around. It's bloody hard at first but look at it like the weather will be getting nicer/lighter soon so as corny as it sounds, emerge away from him with the brighter season to come. I split with an awful abusive man in March a few years ago and for some reason the lighter, brighter weather almost helped make me feel better and more willing to get out rather than being depressed in the cold, dark winter. I found just going for a walk in the spring light with my iPod lifted my mood no end. I know it all sounds corny but it does make you feel better .

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 16/02/2018 17:38

I have to walk away because seeing them together will hurt constantly for years if we were friends. He wouldn’t have treated me this way if he cared. Even if the pain went away, I’d always have that longing and anger there. I would like answers though before going nc.

OP posts:
BackToThe90s · 16/02/2018 17:44

I suspect that he thinks you will hang around but he probably knows how you feel about him which in my mind makes it all the more cruel. Like having someone die then being expected to live in a house with all their things as a reminder of how much you loved them and miss them.

One day soon you'll wonder what you were so upset about, especially if you do find someone who wants you in the future.

Original poster
Friendswhohurtyou · 17/02/2018 13:39

I feel very conflicted as to whether I could have in time a good platonic friendship as I love his company and could talk for hours. Do feelings fade or are you always jealous of the OW when meeting up? I’m scared of acting in anger/pain to cut him out of my life if in time I would be capable of friendship and find it beneficial to my life? So confused.

OP posts:
MrsArthurShappey · 17/02/2018 15:37

Ffs just have some self respect! You say he’s manipulated you, cheated on you (because he has!), he’s keeping you dangling. He doesn’t give a shit about you! Does that sound like a ‘friend’?

Totallyfugly · 17/02/2018 17:21

He’s not your friend. He’s not your friend. Repeat.

I tried to do this when my ex left me for another girl. I never got angry at him. Always stayed calm and friendly to appease him. I even comforted him when he was (faux) upset about how badly he’d hurt me, I tried to make him feel better about cheating on me (despite him being incredibly cruel to me during and after the breakup) I was in agony for a year until I went completely NC. It’s going to hurt but look after yourself now if you can. Don’t call him. Don’t message him. My biggest regret is that I didn’t respect or love myself enough to put my feelings above his.

Hugs to you - I’m so sorry but it will get easier. Flowers

aftertheevent · 17/02/2018 23:14

You are still deluding yourself. He will not be and is not your friend. You are projecting your feelings on to him.
Leave him alone FFS and move on.

aftertheevent · 17/02/2018 23:17

Also why do you want answers? he has made himself very clear. You are dumped and hes got a new GF.
It couldn't be more clear.
Tell him to do one.