Stay friends or walk away?

[Friendswhohurtyou]

Can you stay friends with an ex you love when they have finished it to be with someone else? My ex called off our relationship last week after cooling things down for a while without explanation. He has asked to stay friends as in proper meet for a drink, watch a film, chat on the phone type friends rather than just saying that we’ll be friends but not actually doing that. He cares about me and I think he wants me in his life still because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. He has fallen in love with someone else and is starting a relationship with her. There has been an overlap between the two of us on an emotional level, I am not sure if it has been physical.

I’m angry and upset. I don’t want to lose him from my life totally, the thought breaks my heart, but I know that seeing him as friends when we used to be intimate would break my heart too as would seeing his new relationship develop into what I wanted.

I’m worried I would see him as a friend all the while hoping he would come back which is just prolonging the agony. Or could I learn to just see him as a friend and enjoy having him in my life, I get on incredibly well with him. If you want an ex to miss you and rethink, are you better staying friends or walking away and letting them live without yo?

I agree with you having a 6 month no contact break from him , then see how you feel about a friendship. But I suspect it just wouldn't work really, he hasn't respected you enough to be your friend has he?

I walked away yesterday and will reassess the situation in the summer. I feel dreadful. I need to get rid of our texts and photos to stop me looking at them. I can see how happy he looks in pics with his new woman and I feel nauseous.

Good for you OP. Yes, I agree, get rid of texts etc.

Does it ever get easier? I hope so. I feel as if he has excused his behaviour by making out I wasn’t serious about him when he knows that wasn’t the case

Sadly you were "good enough until someone better" came along
He was using you, please delete and block

Yes it does get easier, it takes as long as a piece of string but still, you'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. So so important to stay no contact though. One tiny thing of encouragement in any way can set you back though, so that's really important.

*one tiny thing of encouragement from him I mean

I'm sorry OP but this is still all all about him, not you. He just wants to feel that he is not a bad person.

I know it is hard, but moving on with no contact is the best thing for you by far. It definitely does get easier with time. Keep busy and spend lots of time with your friends - and make sure they know what a shit he is, don't keep his secrets.

Oh shit, this just time warped me back to my "first love",
He did exactly this, I was desperately hanging on hoping for a reprieve.
It was a long, drawn out, sad, sorry agony.
In the end I left (the country) & even then he came & dropped in on me, & visited my Mum when my Dad died, & sent me a letter asking to see me when I was living with new partner........ He married his new gf rapidly
Finally I found ANGER.
He only wanted to remain friends, because he thought he was doing me a favour...
"I like you as a friend" means "I want to be adored" ....

Cut ties,
It hurts,
You come through.

don't bother massage his ego you're not friends

Is it normal to be so scared of walking away from someone? I want to hate him but do actually want him to be happy, I’m just gutted that’s not as my partner. I think of them together and feel sick/anxious and consumed with regrets about what I could have done differently to be with him now. I feel pathetic reading this back.

He's a player and not worth your time. He was cheating on both of you so to be honest if I had proof of that, I'd send it to her and block him on everything possible. He doesn't deserve to be happy when he's a shit to women like that and uses them as back ups.

Aw OP, you're not pathetic, you're hurting. It's normal. Don't replay your relationship over in your head as the chances are it's nothing you did and he would have done it anyway. Staying in contact is only prolonging the hurt. He's left you so now you're free to the right man who will love and want you and you WILL get over him.

Part of me would get satisfaction from telling her but it’d be purely from a breaking them up point of view which isn’t healthy. He may commit fully to her and be happy so there’d be no point me ruining it. If he doesn’t, she will see his true colours soon enough. I do believe his behaviour towards me was so poor because she was getting his full effort and attention.

It does leave me wondering though what was so bad about me that he didn’t want to commit to me and chose her instead.

Yes, but even if you did know. Would the plan have been that you would have changed those aspects of yourself? We can all post rationalise and pick on ‘reasons’ we don’t want to be with someone. But ultimately if it isn’t working, or the other person has their head turned, it is either insecurity on their part, or they just aren’t that into you. And it’s hard, it really is when you realise they don’t feel the same way.