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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some help with something of a delicate matter......

65 replies

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 09:29

My husband and I have been married for ages.

Now, basically he can ejaculate and is obviously turned on but isn't always completely hard (has always been this way). I sent him to the doctor for a full check up - and aside from having marginally high blood pressure, he is in tip top condition. Low cholesterol (which I thought may have been the problem), no diabetes etc.

However, my problem is that he has obviously been like this his whole life. He does not realise that he has issues - I have tried to broach it but it's obvious that he thinks he is 'normal' and that his level of 'hardness' is what other men experience but I know it isn't.

Thing is, it's definitely getting worse with age. I'd quite like to tell him it's not quite right just in case something can be done about it before it gets much much worse - I know from his family history of heart problems, he might be ineligible for something like viagra so him admitting to the problem may mean some sort of referral and lots of tests which I know he would hate as he HATES going to the doctor.

Do you think it is worth saying something and does anyone know if anything can be done because the worst case scenario is that I say something and then find out it cannot be treated?

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 02/05/2007 09:31

Poor you ccl this must be difficult

Is it the actual 'hardness' or the angle of erection which is an issue?

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 09:34

it's the hardness tbh - it has always been an issue but when we first met, it wasn't that bad. As he gets older, it's definitely getting worse with age. It's odd because it has no bearing on how turned on he is, it's just frustrating for me because sex is becoming more difficult so I am getting frustrated whereas because he can still orgasm, I don't think he feels the same frustration iyswim.

OP posts:

GythaOgg · 02/05/2007 09:35

Could you not speak to your Doctor about it, just to find out how common it is/if there is anything that can be done, before you mention it to your dh?

You say you sent him to the Doctor for a full check up and there were no obvious problems. But surely even a full check up doesn't check the rigidity of his erection?

mamazon · 02/05/2007 09:37

it sounds ot me as if there is not enough blood getting to the penis.

(im not a Dr by the way)

if i remember my old biology class correctly the penis works the smae was a water baloon, the more bodd rushes to it the harder and fuller it gets.

If he has already bee to the Dr what did the Dr suggest? it may be taht as your DH doesnt view it as a problem he hadn't stressed the point enough iykwim.

I would try and get him back to the Dr's and this time go with him. if he knows how frustrated you are maybe he will be more inclined to do soemthing about it.

NotanOtter · 02/05/2007 09:37

have you not mentioned it to dp ccl?

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 09:39

No, it didn't check for that I guess but it checked for things that could have been a factor (so diabetes, high cholesterol) but you're right, as he doesn't realise it's a problem (and probably, even if he did), he didn't mention it to the GP so the GP wouldn't have specifically looked for it.

That might be an idea actually. I could go to my GP and ask what treatments are available and take it from there.

In a way, I dread telling him. We're not exactly spring chickens and I think it may have a profound effect on him (emotionally) to think he may have had a problem his whole life and not known about it.

OP posts:

Pruni · 02/05/2007 09:43

Message withdrawn

GythaOgg · 02/05/2007 09:47

I would look into it first (not literally [smile), as I think that you could unintentionally embarrass and hurt him, and he may react defensively.

It could just be that all men are different in this respect, some are bigger/wider/harder than others, and there may be nothing medically wrong as such.

Good luck

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 09:48

Definitely a good idea if you speak to your gp first. Then if they tell you that something can be done it's worth talking to dh about it.

As for your frustration - there are plenty of ways to have an orgasm without penetrative sex. But I guess maybe if you've been together for ages you might be reluctant to broach the subject of 'spicing up' your love life if you haven't done it before?

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 09:50

ring things?

do you mean those (wonderfully named) vibrating cock ring things ?

We could try but I don't think, in fact I'm pretty sure, it's not a 'mind' issue. I think it's something biological - I too think it's a blood flow to the penis issue.

He had an op when he was a child (around 11/12) to do with one of his testicles and I have a feeling that they may have damaged something down there because he has never experienced the level of hardness that other men get. This is why, in a way, I sort of dread telling him because I have a feeling that either (a) nothing can be done or (b) if it can, it may involve an op or scans and all sorts and I think he'd run a mile at the thought of it!

Thanks for replying everyone btw. I can't talk about this in real life and I really needed to get it out!

OP posts:

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 09:52

Good luck - it's funny how I was going to type a few 'suggestions' and got all embarrassed at how everyone would think I was a seedy old bint

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 09:54

Yes, I think that's a good plan. I will speak to the doctor - in fact, I have a rather lovely male doctor who I think will appreciate the sensitivity of the matter!

I am trying to find other ways to feel fulfilled and they do work but to coin an expat phrase, there's nothing quite like a good, hard cock . However, if nothing could be done, I think I would/could just get on with it - I think the frustration comes from thinking something might be able to be done to sort it out iyswim.

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 02/05/2007 09:56

i am sure - it could be as simple as a vasodilator or viagra..... lol at you rememberingg expats words!

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 10:02

thanks everyone - I'll let you know how it goes (fingers crossed).

OP posts:

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 10:02

lol at 'good hard cock' I know what you mean - a jelly vibe is all very well but it doesnt have a warm lovin' man on the end of it, does it?!

Original poster

CloudCuckooLand · 02/05/2007 10:06

exactly!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your posts! xx

OP posts:

PetronellaPinkPants · 02/05/2007 10:06

I think you can buy cream that you rub on that increases the flow of blood I;m sure I have heard of it
as am on work puter can't really google for it though!!

Pruni · 02/05/2007 10:08

Message withdrawn

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 10:08

I'm at home - shall I turn off the Firewall and have a look?!

Actually... on 2nd thoughts I'd better not as I turned off the phishing filter yesterday and can't find out how to switch it back on.

KerryMum · 02/05/2007 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/05/2007 10:14

Ok, there are a couple of options that might be worth trying. This is a really tricky one ... I have heard of this once before, where it absolutely was a mind thing (because it got fixed). It's likely this isn't the case here, but it's worth eliminating.

The time I ran into it before, I gather the reason for the less-than-impressive erections was because a softer (uncut) penis is easier to masturbate than a hard one, iyswim. I think it was fixed through a great deal of teasing and foreplay, producing a more impressive erection, resulting in more satisfying intercourse for everyone.

That being said, the 'quality' of erections does vary quite a bit from man to man, from time to time, and no doubt, with age.

Is he 'properly' hard just before ejaculation? Only sometimes? Under certain circumstances?

Another, more interventionist option, is a cockring. Not the jelly ones with the vibrators, those just look weird. Just a regular ring. I always find the plain metal rings kinda alarming (what if you want to get it off, while he has an erection?), but you can get a simple leather strap with poppers ... I'll get a link to one.

The cockring makes it harder for blood to flow back out of the penis, resulting in a harder erection. It also makes it slightly harder for the bloke to ejaculate (I think?) which can also be good. I think you end up sacrificing a bit of length, in exchange for a better erection and more girth. ymmv.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/05/2007 10:14

Pruni, I was busy typing! Give me a chance!

NotQuiteCockney · 02/05/2007 10:15

Here is a cockring, but not quite right ...

fortyplus · 02/05/2007 10:15

Oh God... about to give away sordid love life...

...think cock rings are to stop ejaculation - they won't make it harder. Unless you mean the vibrating ones, which stimulate both of you but I can't imagine would make him harder. dh bought one of those for a laugh - we gave it a try but I kept getting visions in my head of leather clad pervs and just couldn't stop laughing so that was the end of that!

NotanOtter · 02/05/2007 10:16

what is an arab strap! ( scared emotion)

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