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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has not friends, impacting on me

65 replies

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:00

Bit of background. Been with dh for 15 years, two children. When dh and i got together he didnt seem to have any friends, hobbies or interests other than occasionally going golfing (maybe once or twice a year) with work colleagues. This fell by the wayside about 12 years ago. dh is mid 40s, im not far behind! I have friends, not many but im fairly sociable and like to do things such as concerts/theatre etc maybe once a month/every other month with friends. I like to do things with dh too such as go out for a meal, weekends away, theatre. These are things I like to do (as pointed out by dh). Dh doesnt do anything without me as he has no friends. He is not introverted in the sense that he doesnt want any friends before anyone suggests it.

For the last 6/7 years dh's attitude to me enjoying time with my friends is becoming unbearable. When he finds out im planning something with my friends the caustic response is "what am I getting, fuck all" which then usually results in an argument because its not my fault he has no friends. But he places the blame with me as i "have not helped him make friends". This stems from the fact that he thinks if we go out to the pub on a regular basis then he would make friends. I will admit to being reluctant as Im now at the age that im past going out to the pub for casual drinking other than for special occassions like birthdays. I dont mind this as we will usually go out in a large group whereas if it is just dp I struggle to maintain conversation with just him as he has nothing to speak about. Im not entirely convinced that dh would 'make' friends in pub anyway, on the rare occassion we have both went out we have pretty much just went from pub to pub with no meaningful interaction with anyone anyway, and I didnt enjoy it.

Have suggested that he take up a hobby, or join a group, or go the gym etc but all these suggestions are rebuffed. However it has become a real bone of contention in our house as the mere mention of me doing things with friends always ends up as a full blown argument and Im at the point where I just can envisage dealing with this for the rest of my life. And the alternative is I dont see any of my friends and just maintain contact through fb, which is even worse.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 14/02/2018 19:03

FFS. How on earth is it your job to make friends for him? He isn't a child.

I'm sorry, I can't suggest anything, I just wanted to point out how ridiculous he is being.

Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:07

maybe i worded that badly. Dh thinks the only way for him to make friends is to go to the pub, bump into past acquaintances of his (who will magically know to be in the pub that night) and then over god knows how long (of bumping into them at the pub) friendships will be formed. Said acquaintances are not on fb nor have phone numbers that dh knows so he cant get in contact any other way. As i refuse to go to the pub on a regular basis with him, in his opinion, i am stopping him making friends. He wont go to pub by himself.

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Cynara · 14/02/2018 19:07

It is absolutely not your job to help him make friends. How utterly ridiculous. How would that even work, anyway? Surely he's got a better chance of making friends without his wife hovering next to him?
Whatever you do, do not allow him to isolate you from your own friends. What a joyless existence that would be.

GummyGoddess · 14/02/2018 19:08

If he has nothing to talk about, what's he planning on talking about with the acquaintances?

DisneyStyleSinging · 14/02/2018 19:08

My friends Dh is like this and I’ve always felt really sorry for him and also her. He’s recently taken up 2 sports and started to want to come out more with us quiz nights etc the more sociable he’s been the more he wants to do if that makes sense.
Maybe try quiznight at the pub. Have you got any friends where he would get on with their dh’s?

EssentialHummus · 14/02/2018 19:10

I'd be telling him straight-up that this wishful idea of bumping into people at the local is a hugely unrealistic, never mind time-consuming way of making friends, and that he'd do better to volunteer locally, use MeetUp.com, take up golf again, join a local group/activity, take up a sport etc.

EssentialHummus · 14/02/2018 19:10

(Or have a baby himself. That's done wonders for my social life )

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 19:13

It’s not your responsibility to make him friends. He shouldn’t be giving you a hard time for wanting to spend time with friends either.

Why can’t he go to the pub on his own?

feska5 · 14/02/2018 19:13

Just because your DM doesn’t want friends doesn’t mean you can’t have friends. He’s suffocating you. You should have a social life and keep seeing your friends and family. It’s not healthy to just do everything together. In the end you will feel lonely and isolated then you will feel resentful towards your DH. it’s a recipe for disaster.

Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:20

I have suggested a local meet ups (an online thing for making platonic friendships) which host quiz nights etc. Said I would be happy to go with him but these are in the neighbouring town and possibly on a school night so he has rebuffed this. These are not problems imo. I would say that Im not keen on making new friends, as between work, house, dh and kids I feel i dont really have the time. Also what has happened in the past is that dh and i have joined a group together, made some lovely friends but they are essentially friendships that i have to do the work to maintain, and dh is included because of me, despite meeting these people at the same time (i.e. I will talk to these people online outside of group etc whereas dh wont). Ideally i want dh to have a circle of friends independent of me. I only have a small circle of close friends of about 4, of which 2 have dhs and dh not keen on them for whatever reasons. We tend not to do that much as couples maybe only once or twice a year.

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Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:25

@Thebluedog, dh says that he feels anxious going to the pub on his own, or for pretty much doing anything he says that he feels awkward and doesnt know what to say/interact with people. Ive suggested therapy which went down like a lead balloon.

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Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:26

feska5, problem is dh says he does want friends. And is increasingly jealous of the time i spend with my friends as he doesnt have the same.

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GummyGoddess · 14/02/2018 19:28

If he refuses to do the legwork to develop a friendship he will never have friends. It is entirely his own fault, and that sounds harsh but it's true.

Cheeseislife · 14/02/2018 19:33

Sounds like he won't make friends easily anyway as he's a needy twit... Can you get him a dog, man's best friend?! Socialising and exercising the dog would mean he got to do the same?

AFistfulOfDolores · 14/02/2018 19:38

Your DH hasn't really grown up yet in that respect, has he? Because if he were a grown-ass man, he'd be making friends himself instead of asking his mummy wife to arrange playdates for him.

I would be having absolutely fucking none of it.

Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:41

We have a dog . We do equal dog exercising and to be fair, I dont find it a particularly social thing doesnt help that ddog cant stand other dogs and will bark aggressively at any passing! I just feel sad that 15 years will be thrown away over something thats entirely out of my control. But cant bare the thought of having to deal with this for another 15 years.

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rascallyrascal · 14/02/2018 19:46

Do your friends have husbands or partners? Maybe you could all go out en masse? Then they would have you in common

Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:54

only 2 of my df have dhs. Dh doesnt want to be friends with either. As mentioned upthread apart from once or twice a year we tend not to do couply things. It probably doesnt help that dh is fortyish whilst my df dh are both mid twenties.

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Clutterbugsmum · 14/02/2018 19:56

I'd tell him once more time that just because he is too lazy to make friends then that is his fault and only he can change it, but under no circumstances will you be giving up any time you spend with your friends. And that you will not be discussing it anymore nor will put up with his jealous mantrums.

sanpelligrino · 14/02/2018 20:00

Seriously he needs to see a therapist or you both do to work through this. It’s insane how childish he is being and he needs help in coming to this realisation. Continue doing your own thing. Facilitate but make him see that his refusal to create his own interests is the problem. Actually I don’t think it is... he’s massively codependent.

Fishface77 · 14/02/2018 20:01

He sounds controlling. Like he’s trying to sabotage your friendships so all you have is each other.

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 20:03

Oh my God. I'm sorry but he is being absolutely ridiculous!

Why should you take responsibility for his friendships or lack of?

Aimlessly going to the pub and hoping to bump into someone is not a good way of making friends imo.

He sounds absolutely horrible for having a go at you about your friendships!

I would honestly be struggling to stop myself from telling him to fottfsof.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 14/02/2018 20:03

made some lovely friends but they are essentially friendships that i have to do the work to maintain
I think you have the underlying issue stated right there.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 14/02/2018 20:04

He can go to the pub on his own

Original poster

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 20:10

thanks all your replies. I pretty much agree with you all, but sometimes after he has had a go, i do begin to doubt myself. But no, I know im not doing anything wrong. I really want to help him though. Perhaps I will try to suggest therapy again more forceably.

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