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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has not friends, impacting on me

65 replies

hairycoo · 14/02/2018 19:00

Bit of background. Been with dh for 15 years, two children. When dh and i got together he didnt seem to have any friends, hobbies or interests other than occasionally going golfing (maybe once or twice a year) with work colleagues. This fell by the wayside about 12 years ago. dh is mid 40s, im not far behind! I have friends, not many but im fairly sociable and like to do things such as concerts/theatre etc maybe once a month/every other month with friends. I like to do things with dh too such as go out for a meal, weekends away, theatre. These are things I like to do (as pointed out by dh). Dh doesnt do anything without me as he has no friends. He is not introverted in the sense that he doesnt want any friends before anyone suggests it.

For the last 6/7 years dh's attitude to me enjoying time with my friends is becoming unbearable. When he finds out im planning something with my friends the caustic response is "what am I getting, fuck all" which then usually results in an argument because its not my fault he has no friends. But he places the blame with me as i "have not helped him make friends". This stems from the fact that he thinks if we go out to the pub on a regular basis then he would make friends. I will admit to being reluctant as Im now at the age that im past going out to the pub for casual drinking other than for special occassions like birthdays. I dont mind this as we will usually go out in a large group whereas if it is just dp I struggle to maintain conversation with just him as he has nothing to speak about. Im not entirely convinced that dh would 'make' friends in pub anyway, on the rare occassion we have both went out we have pretty much just went from pub to pub with no meaningful interaction with anyone anyway, and I didnt enjoy it.

Have suggested that he take up a hobby, or join a group, or go the gym etc but all these suggestions are rebuffed. However it has become a real bone of contention in our house as the mere mention of me doing things with friends always ends up as a full blown argument and Im at the point where I just can envisage dealing with this for the rest of my life. And the alternative is I dont see any of my friends and just maintain contact through fb, which is even worse.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 14/02/2018 20:13

This is on him. Only he can sort it out. The pub suggestion is nonsense. He needs to make friends for himself, not begrudge you yours.

Original poster
hairycoo · 14/02/2018 20:17

Aimlessly going to the pub and hoping to bump into someone is not a good way of making friends imo. These are precisely my sentiments. But he insists its different for men. He will then also accuse me of being embarrassed to be seen out in our home town with him when i refuse to go to the pub. This is ridiculous of course. I go out with him shopping, dog walking, celebratory nights out etc. I also think that our different youths affect our views. I went out and enjoyed myself (probably too much!) from 16 until about my mid twenties. Dh wasnt allowed to come home drunk (when he stayed at his parents) and so I think missed out on a lot and is wanting to make up for lost time. I really cant be arsed with that now!

OP posts:
annandale · 14/02/2018 20:20

It is a real problem that men often seem to assume that they no longer need to make the slightest effort in personal relationships once they have a partner.

Tbh I wouldn't assume that talking therapy will fix it because therapy involves making a relationship. It occurs to me that the Men's Shed idea is for people like him. Try googling whether you have something like that locally?

Does he have a brother or father around?

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 20:21

My dp said he should start to follow a football team, get a season ticket and go to games.

Cricrichan · 14/02/2018 20:24

He doesn't sound very sociable! But if he wants a social life can you both not join some sports club and get to know people that way? It sounds like he lacks confidence .

minxthemanx · 14/02/2018 20:26

Is there any chance he's a bit on the Aspergers spectrum? Any other types of behavior that would fit with this? My DH has not made a single friend in the 20 years we've lived here (I've made plenty). His "friends" are people he knew in his childhood and largely his brother's friends at that. DH will very happily chat to people, but is unable to take the friendship any further than that. Socially very unaware and awkward. Many other traits of Aspergers too.

annandale · 14/02/2018 20:26

Men's Sheds website.

I would say to him that you absolutely will not stop seeing your friends but that if he will give something like this organisation a proper try (like six months' regular attendance) you will consider increasing your pub attendance. Something like that.

Pleasebeafleabite · 14/02/2018 20:27

I suppose the only thing for me that stands out in his favour if I’ve understood you correctly is that you go out monthly with your friends but only twice a year with your dh

I could see that being a bone of contention as most couples like to go out more frequently and why not to the pub if that’s what he enjoys, as long as you get to choose too

Other than that I agree it’s not your role to create his social life

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 20:34

I don't want to sound unkind about him, but I don't think you realise how outside of normal his behaviour is.

Quite apart from anything else, he has absolutely no right to hold you responsible for his lack of friends or to try to spoil your friendships.

I would start drawing a line in the sand here; he stops behaving like this, or he goes to therapy of some sort.

princesssparkle1 · 14/02/2018 20:49

I'm speechless. The man sounds like a whiny 5 year old.

Original poster
hairycoo · 14/02/2018 21:31

@annandale, he has a father who fortunately agrees with me and has said not to entertain his whinyness!
@thebluedog, have suggested sports of some sort, but he doesnt enjoy anything. Was dragged to a few games when dc were younger and he was bored out of his mind he tells me.
@crichrican, if we both join a sport then like other groups in the past I will make friends and he will make none, but become friendly with people through me. But if I stop, then he wont keep the friendships up. I want him to make friends independent of me. i am quite happy to facilitate this by participating in events with him i guess, but i dont want to be the main driving factor if that makes sense?
@minx funnily enough our youngest is asd, i self identify asd and am awaiting dx but dh hit the roof when i suggested he might be too.
@annandale i will suggest men shed to dh. I have just had a look and there is one locally so I hope he will be open to the idea x
@please, I go out with dp far more than my friends, be it the cinema, meals, night away, theatre etc. but these are not really things where you meet people.

Im at uni doing a masters, working near enough full time, running a house and raising children (tbh he does his fair share of housework and childcare) so im not overly keen on taking up a new hobby. Perhaps once im finished uni i might be more keen to but atm I dont seem to have enough time as it is!

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 14/02/2018 21:47

I soooo know where you are coming from!!! It drives me nuts.

flightchecker · 14/02/2018 21:48

I want to post something helpful, but My overriding feeling is what a headache he sounds to be. You must have more patience than me.

Don't let him sabotage any of your relationships or isolate you in any way. It sounds like he needs you a lot more than you need him.

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 21:49

He actually sounds incredibly boring. Do you want to be with him?

Thebluedog · 15/02/2018 08:52

Sounds to me like he doesn’t actually want friends or simply can’t be bothered to try and make any. Might just be a good excuse to try and stop you going out with your friends so you entertain him rather than your mates.

He sounds a bit boring tbh, no wonder you’ve nothing to talk about when you do go to the pub

SandAndSea · 15/02/2018 11:12

I think you might need to have strong words with him, OP.

Onr idea: could you go to the pub and take a nice game, like rummikub? That way, it can become quality couple-time and as he meets people, you can ease out if you want to.

(This reminds me of a friend I had years ago who was desperate for a boyfriend and used to make me go and sit in pubs with her and tell me how to sit/look etc so as not to scare away any potential mates. It was highly unpleasant.)

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 11:21

Show him this thread. Seriously, he is being unbelievably unfair to you. It is not your fault he hasn’t made friends, he could easily take up some kind of hobby or activity or befriend someone at work etc.

BewareOfDragons · 15/02/2018 11:29

When he finds out im planning something with my friends the caustic response is "what am I getting, fuck all" which then usually results in an argument because its not my fault he has no friends. But he places the blame with me as i "have not helped him make friends".

I would have told him that you're his mother in charge of making playdates for him. He is a grown man who says he wants friends, but isn't willing to do a single thing for himself to find some.

If he's not willing to take up a few hobbies, try something new, then that's entirely on him. Sitting in a pub on a stool with him won't make him friends It will just be a night out with you.

I'd show him the thread, too, tbh. He is being very unreasonable, probably stemming from jealousy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2018 11:38

hairycoo

What do you get out of this relationship now with this individual?.

re your comment:-
"I really want to help him though".

There is a caveat to that approach however, and this is that you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. He has rebuffed any therapy suggestions.

You cannot also act as either a rescuer or a saviour in any relationship. It is not your job here to help him make friends. His pub suggestion is a nonsense as well.

MistressDeeCee · 15/02/2018 11:46

He won't make friends as he's too lazy to get off his arse and do so. No hobbies and interests apart from watching what you do? What's he going to talk to people about then? Whilst I know making friends isn't an easy thing, refusing to try but nagging his wife isn't going to help. Sorry, I wouldn't engage in any of it at all. Stick some info in front of him about Meetup groups, classes, sports etc if you like then tell him to leave you alone and that you are absolutely not going to put up with his attempt to control you. Ridiculous..the man needs therapy but even that won't help if he doesn't get up and out and actually be likeable.

MistressDeeCee · 15/02/2018 11:50

I suspect tho he's just a pain in the arse type who doesn't really want friends.& if you drop your friends for him he'll just find something else to complain at you about. I read posts at times and wonder how the fuck some men manage to find a wife. I suppose they hide their true selves to get who and what they want.

DenPerry · 15/02/2018 12:03

I usually come on these threads to say there's nothing wrong with not wanting a social life, but it's out of order to be negative about yours. Him making friends is not your responsibility.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/02/2018 12:10

so he doesn't want to join hobby groups, doesn't enjoy or have the desire for sports, doesn't want to make the effort at maintaining relationships that exist......doesn't accept that maybe he's depressed and doesn't want to seek any therapy/outside help to resolve this........but somehow expects to have friends/a life of his own? Hmm

There's not much you can do here OP as he clearly isn't actually interested in sorting his social life out.

What you can do is stop tolerating his augmentative and abusive behavior in regards to you having a social life.
Him blaming/passing responsibility to you is just his way of gaslighting you, trying to make you feel and take responsibility for something that he will not make an effort for.
Sounds to me like he just wants to drag you down with him, to sabotage your social life and keep you at home, under his thumb and doing as he says.

I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone like this and you shouldn't have to either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2018 13:21

Whether or not he wants or can be arsed to make friends is not the issue here. It's that he has a go at the OP if she makes plans.

Sounds to me like he just wants you at home with him, regardless of what you want. Which makes me think it's a control thing, not a social thing.

But agree with everyone else, you are not responsible for him making friends, utter tosh. He has rejected pretty much every one of your suggestions so sod it, enjoy your time out with friends and leave him to sulk at home. If he gets arsey about it, get arsey back and tell him out ridiculous he is being and that it is healthy to see friends separately and have a social life.

StormTreader · 15/02/2018 13:32

My dad is exactly the same - seems to think friends are people that are desperate to spend time with him while he generously allows them to. Theyve all drifted away now, and he just gives my mum grief for going out. She's been ignoring his sulking and going out anyway for a solid 20 years.

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