Husband has not friends, impacting on me

[hairycoo]

Bit of background. Been with dh for 15 years, two children. When dh and i got together he didnt seem to have any friends, hobbies or interests other than occasionally going golfing (maybe once or twice a year) with work colleagues. This fell by the wayside about 12 years ago. dh is mid 40s, im not far behind! I have friends, not many but im fairly sociable and like to do things such as concerts/theatre etc maybe once a month/every other month with friends. I like to do things with dh too such as go out for a meal, weekends away, theatre. These are things I like to do (as pointed out by dh). Dh doesnt do anything without me as he has no friends. He is not introverted in the sense that he doesnt want any friends before anyone suggests it.

For the last 6/7 years dh's attitude to me enjoying time with my friends is becoming unbearable. When he finds out im planning something with my friends the caustic response is "what am I getting, fuck all" which then usually results in an argument because its not my fault he has no friends. But he places the blame with me as i "have not helped him make friends". This stems from the fact that he thinks if we go out to the pub on a regular basis then he would make friends. I will admit to being reluctant as Im now at the age that im past going out to the pub for casual drinking other than for special occassions like birthdays. I dont mind this as we will usually go out in a large group whereas if it is just dp I struggle to maintain conversation with just him as he has nothing to speak about. Im not entirely convinced that dh would 'make' friends in pub anyway, on the rare occassion we have both went out we have pretty much just went from pub to pub with no meaningful interaction with anyone anyway, and I didnt enjoy it.

Have suggested that he take up a hobby, or join a group, or go the gym etc but all these suggestions are rebuffed. However it has become a real bone of contention in our house as the mere mention of me doing things with friends always ends up as a full blown argument and Im at the point where I just can envisage dealing with this for the rest of my life. And the alternative is I dont see any of my friends and just maintain contact through fb, which is even worse.

As he's so sure that the pub is the way, I would offer a compromise. You will go to the pub with him 3 times. If he can make friends that way, he should have found a few this way. If he has not found a single one, he agrees that this is not the way and either finds another option, or stops being negative and whining.

The reason I asked about his dad was to say that going out with his father is part of many men's social life. Do he and his dad share any interests? My Dh only really managed to keep one friend but he saw his dad regularly and they had a lot of interests in common.

I had exactly this.
What wasn't ok for me (and same reading your post) isn't the lack of friends, but his rude and disrespectful words and responses to your normal everyday conversation.
No-one at your work or the shops would speak to you like that, you wouldn't let them.

I divorced mine after 17 years.
Bliss.

Perhaps I will try to suggest therapy again more forceably.

Yes YOU'LL have to obviously because he can't even think for himself .

I'd just ignore him and not say anything when he makes a comment. He's acting like a child so treat him like one.

This would really piss me off. You've made good suggestions and he rejects them...it's ridiculous.

I'd say something along the lines of .."I've made numerous suggestions that you dismiss...it's not my job to help you get friends and I'm getting quite annoyed that you resent my friendships and try to make me feel bad for going out. If this continues..I'm going to have to seriously consider the future of this relationship. It's not healthy for us to spend all our time together "

I agree with the others, he is being really nasty to you, OP. I have an OP who doesn't have any friends too because nobody likes him but at least he never says anything when I meet up with friends. I can't see what else you could do to help him. I think you might have to be tough with him and definitely stop him being downright nasty to you whenever you 'dare' to socialise on your own.

His behaviour is terrible and you have tried hard. What would worry me the most is when you go out just as a couple you have nothing to talk about...do you enjoy being married to him? Can you envisage the rest of your life with this man? Dh is my friend as well as lover, I can't imagine running out of things to talk about.

he has a father who fortunately agrees with me and has said not to entertain his whinyness!

I like his dad. It's wonderful when parents can be honest about their adult children's shortcomings...instead of defending blindly.

What a horrible man.
Jealous, needy and antisocial .

'if it is just dp I struggle to maintain conversation with just him as he has nothing to speak about. '

Sounds like a massive bore to me. WTF? You and your DP can't even maintain a conversation over a drink?!

Run. Run like the wind. Find someone who makes you laugh until you can't catch breath not this fucking man child.

My dh has no friends either. Although it seems to bother me more than him!
He has sports he does often but he can do them independently and says it’s too much faff to do them with others as you end up hanging around lots. He’d rather go on his own, which is fair enough. But sometimes I feel the pressure is on me more and it’s a bit stifling.

I agree with Kathalina, I think the only way to shut him up would be to trial this pub idea for a limited time and see how successful he is. Otherwise he will be going on about for the rest of your lives. He sounds so helpless.

This is really bad. Dh doesn't go out as much as me, although he has a lot of friends and a best friend.

With a lot of women I know, their husbands in a group, don't get on that well. Odd.

Can he take ds to the local cricket club? A lot of socialising between parents goes on at ours, every Friday, plus for bonfires nights etc.

Does he want to join a beer society or wine.

He's going to have to join 'something'!!

More importantly the way he speaks to you about your friendships is nasty. And controlling.

What is he? Christian Grey?

My DP's group of friends were all made in our local pub, which is a very social, community type place. The difference is he made a concerted effort to go on his own for a few beers really regularly when we first moved to the area, was lovely to the bar staff and started to get talking to them. This then led to meeting locals, chatting to them, visiting the pub during big football matches/events when the same blokes would be there and and finally hitting it off with a few who are now firm friends. A few really drunken nights cemented this (i find nothing beats the bonding experience of getting ridiculously drunk together).

In fairness, I did end up picking up some shifts there for fun midway through this process and i think this accelerated his acceptance into the group, as I became a recognised face in the place. We were also late 20s at the time, so in a different stage of life to you where spending loads of time in the pub is perhaps more acceptable.

He also goes to local pubs with my DF (FIL doesn't really drink and lives far away), and that helps too. I think men are more likely to strike up random conversation at the bar with two blokes than a couple. However being seen occaissionally with a female partner helps avoid the 'creepy' vibe a man on his own can give off.

Thanks for all the messages. Have taken then all on board. Dh has been told in no uncertain terms that Im not interested in listening to his whinges. He has apologised and accepts that hIe is in the wrong but he just feels resentment when he sees me enjoying myself with my friends and he doesnt have that. Have told him to get off his arse and do something about it, and if he doesnt take up any of the suggestions which i have put forward then that is his problem. Will just have to monitor the situation going forward but put in stern terms i wasnt prepared to put up with anymore of this shit and if it didnt end, then i would consider seriously the non future of our relationship. If i start another thread in a years time will yous all please tell me to LTB.