Asexual DH, crossroads, so much inside my head

[Rosscroads]

Not sure what I'm looking for in this post but I'll start with a brief description of myself and DH.

Myself: Early 30s. Very very motivated, energetic, ambitious. Super sexual as in very high libido, into kinky stuff. Super advanced in career owing to extremely high energy levels and real passion for my field - rapidly climbing career ladder. Have 2.5 year old. Energy levels are such that gap between an idea (say organising a new conference or painting the shed a bright beach hut colour) - the gap between the idea and the action ong is non existent. Also - very emotional and sensitive.

DH: mid 30s. Very good man. Sweet, friendly, easy going, loyal. Best friend. Awesome dad. Kind. Calm. Introvert. Would happily spend the rest of his life staying indoors watching tv while I party all night (I never do). ASEXUAL. That's in caps because it's crucial. Entirely asexual. Would love to snuggle and cuddle and caress my hair for hours on end. Kisses me on the forehead multiple times a day.

We've investigated the sex thing. Blood tests therapists exercises the works. He has recently accepted that he is asexual. He is absolutely open to an open marriage (or best friends are an example they are a happily poly set up) - he doesn't actually mind me having secondary/other relationships to satisfy the sex aspect - we've seen therapists together about it. He just doesn't see sex as anything important but we both are super clear that we are best friends and we absolutely want to stay in this marriage.

That's where we are. He can see the acute pain I feel that my body does nothing for him. I meet people in the course of life who attract me - intellectually or sexually or both. To them all I'm a married woman and hence nothing ever happens. You don't exactly slip it into a conversation all of the above.

Here we are. Me and my best mate and our lovely toddler. Him super happy and loves me more than anything. Me dissatisfied, needing sexual attention and physicality and recognising when I am drawn to others but can't do a thing about it. But also simultaneously deeply love my best friend my DH.

Sorry for the ramble. It's valentines tonight and I'm just very low.

[Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I hear you. Dont have any suggestions but just wanted you know someone is listening

What is stopping you from being great co-parents and living separately?

Very kind of you. Thank you. ❤️

We love our home, our routines our logistics - all of what living together involves.

You can be friends amd great parents if you separate.
You are so young, do you want to live like this for 50+ years?

Have you looked at finding groups for open relationships? They must exist. How do your poly friends find new relationships?

Sorry but I'm assuming he was like this before you married him and had a child?

If you are super sensitive are you sure that you would be ok with this? Not still utterly devastated that your DH doesn’t desire you?

Hard though it is I would consider separating and becoming fantastic co parents and remain great friends. Then you may meet someone who can offer what your really want: a partner who desires you.

Queer people?

Separate and date other people.

We moved quite quickly and he was always this way and we spent 3 years in tears testosterone stuff therapy reducing fatigue sleep apnea stuff till we both figured it out. It was a huge realisation for him. I've personally never particularly believed in monogamy as the only way and DH - as it is becoming clear now - doesn't either although he is happy to be mono as he's not the one desiring others. So the issue of having to break up, to be with just one other person forever and ever doesn't seem very convincing to me/us. But I also totally see why that would seem logical and the right thing to do if a monogamous forever relationship is what one would want - which is by far the norm

If he's ok with you going outside specifically for sex, the rules as per Grace and Frankie sound reasonable: once only and never in the marital bed. If you think he can treat it as a variant on bridge night or a gym session, go for it.

Sorry, once only with each playmate, unless you find a decent dungeon.

I'm not sure if I'm being thick but how did you have a child together if he's asexual?

I think that you're too young to carry on with someone who is so different to you. If you like the freedom of sleeping with other men in any relationship then fair enough, but if you'd rather have a fab sexual relationship with one man, then leàve him and find a fulfilling relationship elsewhere.

You’re so young. I don’t think you should base the rest of your life around this. You’re clearly so dissatisfied and reading between the lines you’d like the whole package - not the best friend with dh and sex on the side with someone else. I think you should separate and start over, you can still be best friends with dh and co parent. Then hopefully you could meet someone who is the whole package.

Could you both co-parent effectively? May be separating/divorcing with him being the resident parent freeing you up to climb the career ladder and satisfy your sexual needs might work for you both.

For the PP who asked asexuality does not mean that the asexual person cannot physically ever produce semen/cannot ever have penetrative ejaculation. Asexuality is more than just a physical inability to have one off sex.

I've just checked into an air bnb for work and the chitchat resulted in the lady asking me what I do and I replied I'm a (insert v senior academic rank) and she completely startled and said "but you're so young!! I mean you look so .. how can you be a (insert rank)" and I almost burst into tears. Silly moi!

We won't be separating though I really don't want you all to think i don't see your point and what you're saying. I totally do.

DH and I will now have a FaceTime over our respective dinners and have a laugh (which we have loads of) about crap at work.

But thank you - just that people listened/read means a lot.

When I'm tired DH massages my heels and palms.

When my car is frosty he wakes up early before work to see to it.

When I've fallen asleep marking scripts on the sofa he comes and covers me up.

When I fancy second dinners in the evening he hops over to Tesco to get me snacks.

When I am asleep at dawn I unfailingly sense a soft kiss on my cheek as he wakes up to his alarm

When I am exhausted after my commute he knows exactly what to put on Netflix to laugh over dinner

When he reads a funny joke he knows i fond it funny too

I could go on. He is the sweetest kindest softest person I've ever met

I have no advice but I must say I admire that you are both able to be so open about it. For me (with sex, that is goals).

Could you do both and be in a fully open relationship? With the risk you might meet someone and fall in love with them too? That is when it gets messy I suppose. Could you have a no strings arrangement with someone? I guess you have to work through that first, but I couldn't be in a non sexual relationship. He sounds like a great guy though, as do you.

There are plenty of poly dating sites where you could meet someone who would understand your set-up. That’s assuming you want a secondary relationship. If you just want sex as and when then Tinder isn’t going to ask unnecessary questions.

If you’re both happy with your set-up (best/loving friends with you having additional sexual partners) then I actually don’t think your really have a problem here. So because of this it makes me wonder if you are both happy with that as a concept. Do you want to have sex with someone else or do you really only want to have sex with him?

Oh I don't think i explained v well.

DH absolutely open to open/poly on my part. He hates seeing me so unfulfilled about it and we've been reading lots on poly and he's been listing down questions we can talk through. I too would be totally able to love him and form bonds with others.

It's just that I can't (couldn't ever) do sex/dating for the sake of it so online dating is v foreign and scary. I'm more of a meeting people socially boy meets girl type and as a married woman that's not exactly how things work any more...

Divorce so that you feel comfortable meeting with other men, but live together as great parents and friends. I wonder though when he says he isn't bothered whether the reality of it will change that.

I think although all these things seem lovely, they are a bit false too. They create an inimacy that isn't really there, unless you feel it is like a family relationship?

It doesn't need to have a label. It just needs to work for you all.

Best of luck

In your last post it's sounds Like You are a sick child and he is your patent. I hate the "super" this and "super" that- so Americanized and juvenile 🙁yuk. But .....I'm or sure what your AIBU is. Can u be more specific?