Asexual DH, crossroads, so much inside my head

[Rosscroads]

Not sure what I'm looking for in this post but I'll start with a brief description of myself and DH.

Myself: Early 30s. Very very motivated, energetic, ambitious. Super sexual as in very high libido, into kinky stuff. Super advanced in career owing to extremely high energy levels and real passion for my field - rapidly climbing career ladder. Have 2.5 year old. Energy levels are such that gap between an idea (say organising a new conference or painting the shed a bright beach hut colour) - the gap between the idea and the action ong is non existent. Also - very emotional and sensitive.

DH: mid 30s. Very good man. Sweet, friendly, easy going, loyal. Best friend. Awesome dad. Kind. Calm. Introvert. Would happily spend the rest of his life staying indoors watching tv while I party all night (I never do). ASEXUAL. That's in caps because it's crucial. Entirely asexual. Would love to snuggle and cuddle and caress my hair for hours on end. Kisses me on the forehead multiple times a day.

We've investigated the sex thing. Blood tests therapists exercises the works. He has recently accepted that he is asexual. He is absolutely open to an open marriage (or best friends are an example they are a happily poly set up) - he doesn't actually mind me having secondary/other relationships to satisfy the sex aspect - we've seen therapists together about it. He just doesn't see sex as anything important but we both are super clear that we are best friends and we absolutely want to stay in this marriage.

That's where we are. He can see the acute pain I feel that my body does nothing for him. I meet people in the course of life who attract me - intellectually or sexually or both. To them all I'm a married woman and hence nothing ever happens. You don't exactly slip it into a conversation all of the above.

Here we are. Me and my best mate and our lovely toddler. Him super happy and loves me more than anything. Me dissatisfied, needing sexual attention and physicality and recognising when I am drawn to others but can't do a thing about it. But also simultaneously deeply love my best friend my DH.

Sorry for the ramble. It's valentines tonight and I'm just very low.

[Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

Rosscroads. He sounds amazing. I can understand your position. I think I'd have to see if I could come to terms with no sex as I'm sure he wouldn't go through knowing you are with someone else without his heart being broken. Very very difficult. Your description of everything he does made me all fuzzy.

Parent not patent. And on reading back it's all a bit self indulgent wank IMHO

Is this AIBU I have posted on?

Whoa saltandvinegarcrisps1 what's up?!

I think you are super incompatible. Super friends though.

Thank you chifi - I'm fuzzy too except that another poster find the same post self indulgent wankery and Americanized and juvenile

Anyway I'm off to bed now as v early start tomorrow. Thanks for everyone who posted and especially for those with kind advice.

Well I hope you can sort through everything and stay together. Because one day, all those things you listed will be what matter. Good luck

I think it would work for a while, he clearly is a bit of an adoring lapdog and you are clever . I do think though OP you would lose respect for him and this might go sour. I wouldn't say it's wankery, it does come across though as a bit full of yourself/aren't I amazing (which is why I think the other person said 'American' . . You may of course not be like that in RL, may be just how this piece comes across to me , I can see however that his lack of interest frustrates you and yes something has to give.

To be honest I think you are being very selfish to put the poor guy through this, of course he says he is OK to go along with you having sex with another man, because he feels deeply guilty that he cannot give you the sex himself, and he sounds like an amazing man that loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you! I would think he would be so very heartbroken to actually see you trot off dolled up to go and get a fanny bashing, bearing in mind you could always just have a wank! If you are that kinky and highly sexed then it would have been apparent at the beginning of the relationship that he wasn't the same, you were indeed very selfish to marry him and have a child knowing all this. Poor guy.

Have you been on Aven? It might be some of the other partners on there can relate to what you're feeling.

You do not normally get a very sensible conversation on MN about asexuality unfortunately. It seems it is quite difficult to understand (I don't really see what is so difficult, but anyway).

Honestly my gut says you might need to reassess whether you could go for the just sex thing with someone. Trying to find another "connection" just sounds like something that someone will get horribly hurt in.

Have you considered that he might be gay?

My guess is, being asexual he isnt sexually jealous.

But he loves you, so you loving another is a different proposition. You having sex with people you have a connection with is in a way emotional adultery. It may also lead you to leave him for someone else down the line.

You are not sexually compatible and never have been. You can of course have an open relationship but long term that might only work if you only ever meet them once in a hotel and its based on sex and nothing else.

You sound super impulsive and direct, so I am surprised you haven’t already found a way to find an additional person.

Do you think you’re too good for your husband? Just wondering if that what you’re getting at with all the talk of, ‘God I’m so young to be such a high flyer - people are amazed by me.’ type stuff.

* Do you think you’re too good for your husband?*

The reverse was true for the initial period. Now I think we are very much at par. But it never was the above.

Thanks for the important points about emotions on his side potentially not knowing what might come out of something of this kind. And no nothing has happened on my part and probably nothing will even if we do come to some form of an open situation. Anyway thank you all so much.

I think that it is important to be aware that the super high energy levels and libido might be just a phase.

I was promoted three times in three years in my early thirties, but by 34 I was teetering on the edge of burnout. Now in my early forties I am much more mellow. I still get things done, but there isn’t quite the same energy there.

As for libido, all I will say is that isn’t it known that women peak around thirty?

I think explore the idea of an encounter outside marriage, but don’t do anything rash.

Fabswingers

I think this marriage will work for a long time but in 10 years there will be lots of resentment and the affection won't be so apparent. At least you have your amazing career to keep you going.
I'm very ignorant of a sexuality , I'll be honest. I don't know alot about it and I've never encountered it in someone who didn't have autism. So personally I'd also be sceptical that there wasn't something else going on. The wanting to stay home and sit on the couch while you are out having fun would ring alarm bells for me too. And the low energy and enthusiasm. You are still very young and full of energy. I'd love if you would just leave and build yourself a happy life. It's hard being older and watching young people make the same old mistakes when you've seen how it ends. But anyway, make sure you'd finances etc are healthy in case one day in the future you want to leave. If ye have money consider buying s rental property (that one of you might use in a decade or so). Take care.

You can't have it all. It sounds like you have an amazing man there and in getting married, have traded in the stuff you want for all the good things you listed. Those things are what remains when everything else is gone.

I don't think so. The " kiss without fail" seems more routine/ habit than affection. Even the OP speaks about routines. This is all her husbands daily routines and habits, I don't think they are displays of love really.

Sorry I still don't understand how you've had a child together. You said in a previous post "He can see the acute pain I feel that my body does nothing for him"
But then you said that he is still able to have penetrative ejaculation, so he is capable of having sex with you? Just on a less emotional level? Is this what you mean?
Asexual would mean he has no sexual desire but you're saying he's able to have penetrative ejaculation, it doesn't really add up.

What’s wrong with having an open marriage?

Asexuality doesn’t mean that person can’t physically do the deed, it means they have no or very low personal desire to do it. When it doesn’t happen, they don’t miss it. When a person they care deeply for wants it badly, they can perform (and even enjoy some aspects of it).

Is this really so confusing? Yes, they had sex, and conceived a child together. Men can ‘lie back and think of England’ too, you know.