Asexual DH, crossroads, so much inside my head

[Rosscroads]

Not sure what I'm looking for in this post but I'll start with a brief description of myself and DH.

Myself: Early 30s. Very very motivated, energetic, ambitious. Super sexual as in very high libido, into kinky stuff. Super advanced in career owing to extremely high energy levels and real passion for my field - rapidly climbing career ladder. Have 2.5 year old. Energy levels are such that gap between an idea (say organising a new conference or painting the shed a bright beach hut colour) - the gap between the idea and the action ong is non existent. Also - very emotional and sensitive.

DH: mid 30s. Very good man. Sweet, friendly, easy going, loyal. Best friend. Awesome dad. Kind. Calm. Introvert. Would happily spend the rest of his life staying indoors watching tv while I party all night (I never do). ASEXUAL. That's in caps because it's crucial. Entirely asexual. Would love to snuggle and cuddle and caress my hair for hours on end. Kisses me on the forehead multiple times a day.

We've investigated the sex thing. Blood tests therapists exercises the works. He has recently accepted that he is asexual. He is absolutely open to an open marriage (or best friends are an example they are a happily poly set up) - he doesn't actually mind me having secondary/other relationships to satisfy the sex aspect - we've seen therapists together about it. He just doesn't see sex as anything important but we both are super clear that we are best friends and we absolutely want to stay in this marriage.

That's where we are. He can see the acute pain I feel that my body does nothing for him. I meet people in the course of life who attract me - intellectually or sexually or both. To them all I'm a married woman and hence nothing ever happens. You don't exactly slip it into a conversation all of the above.

Here we are. Me and my best mate and our lovely toddler. Him super happy and loves me more than anything. Me dissatisfied, needing sexual attention and physicality and recognising when I am drawn to others but can't do a thing about it. But also simultaneously deeply love my best friend my DH.

Sorry for the ramble. It's valentines tonight and I'm just very low.

[Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

Perhaps you’ve thought about this, OP, but, I was wondering since it sounds like an amazing relationship otherwise, that you just let it go? The idea of sex, I mean. It doesn’t have to be priority unless you choose to make it so. I say that because as sad as you sound when you say you wish he could look at you with desire, you also sound sad about the idea of having sex with someone else.

No relationship is perfect, and you don’t have to sleep with someone else to fill the supposed missing gap. Perhaps posting about this is your way of sounding it all out and grieving for something that you won’t obtain here.

We all have choices, and you could choose to shift how you think about this. I’m not saying you SHOULD as I think there is no one right solution to this. But it’s anotger way of coming to a conclusion.

Best of luck. I’m not in the exact same situation as you but there are some similarities.

I don’t understand the problem? He’s happy for you to pursue sexual experiences with others, and you’re down with the idea too. Sounds ideal and the perfect solution!

If the issue is that you don’t know how/where to meet like minded folks, I think you’re being way to hasty in ruling out online dating. Maybe try sites like Fetlife, better for meeting other kinksters than the mainstream ones.

The danger could be you start having sex with someone and become attached...and want to leave your DH.

Some Asexual men..don't want their wives to take a mate...so at least he's not selfish in that sense.

Can you really live the rest of your life this way?

As an aside..I always wonder why Asexual people...don't specifically look for other Asexual to have a relationship with.

Your DH will have probably had failed relationships because of this...so he's delighted he's got a wife and child ...in spite of it.

Yes I find it difficult to believe he only realised he was asexual after the wife and child and councilling. Can one really be than un self-aware

As an aside..I always wonder why Asexual people...don't specifically look for other Asexual to have a relationship with.

Something like 1% of the population are asexual. It's not as easy as 'just finding another asexual person'. I've never met another asexual.

As for taking a long time to figure out he was asexual, I can believe it. I was 25, in a homosexual relationship, when I finally figured it out for myself. Up until that point, I'd classed myself as bisexual because all I knew was that I felt the exact same way about men as I did women.

OP, if he's happy for you to have sex outside the relationship and you just want someone to have sex with, then go for it! Use tinder or a dating app, there are plenty of men out there who want no-strings sex who won't care that you're married.

Is there an " asexual" option on dating apps etc? Do you think there should be? 1% is still a lot. If they all married that's a lot of unhappy marriages.

If more people knew about it and it was talked about and accepted as a normal variation in sexuality rather than people making assumptions like "Are you sure he's not gay" or "He can't possibly love you" then maybe it would be easier for people who are asexual and/or with a low/indifferent sex drive to meet each other, as well as for people with a high sex drive to meet each other, currently we just don't have that level of openness and there's such shame around having "different" feelings about sex - whether it's wanting it "too much" or "too little" - in reality - impossible. We're all just wired differently and unless you have sexual desires which involve hurting or exploiting other people then there's really no harm in it at all. I wish we could be more honest about sex.

What's the link between the airbnb woman and the asexuality thing?

I was wondering the same pigeondujour? Was it just to remind us how amazing you are OP?

Sandy a lot of us DO try to find another asexual person, but as our asexuality isn't the only aspect of us it isn't always that easy.

There is compromise, because there has to be, but there will also be things you wouldn't want to compromise on.

So for example I'd want someone who is asexual, but who also wants children, ideally is either a practicing christian or accepting of me being one, is a woman, and is someone I am romantically attracted to.

I refuse to compromise on the children thing, the woman thing, or the romance thing. I can deal with religious differences.

That leaves the asexuality, I would need to be in a relationship that is compatible with me being asexual, and I would hope that total honesty on my part about my relationship to sex would be enough to figure out an ace/allo relationship, but I also know that problems like the OP are not uncommon and I wouldn't want to hurt myself or my partner.

It's complicated...

OP, I don't think you sound very emotionally intelligent or ready to do this. Some people can be v clever without being emotionally intelligent/ mature. I think it's not that hard to meet someone even in a boy meets girl traditional way, but you're holding yourself back from this because you sense the potential damage it would do. You seem a go-getter and yet you are unable to go and get this. I think you want sex within a relationship, but you're not sure if it'll work out and what the fall out will be. Which is true. I think you need to grow in self awareness and probably so does your dh, if you're going to attempt a more complex relationship safely.

Hi all
Sorry to return a day late - DH and I have been discussing this thread and there's lots to think about. I think we are both really clear ultimately that we cannot separate. There is just no scope for either of us to contemplate it. Where this leaves anything I do not know.
To answer a few questions pp asked -

1. The Airbnb thing - as a result of the first few years of constant rejection and me attempting all kinds of things from lingerie to not mentioning it I began to feel very very low about myself. I also saw someone about self esteem at that point. Since then I tend to feel good/simultaneously on the edge if anything bordering on appearance is remotely praised - I entirely left that out but as you will see I think the world of DH and it's not about awesomeness. Because of the rejection before realisation I had a few years of (still occasionally have) feeling that there is something fixable about me/my appearance that just needs fixing. Sorry if that doesn't make sense
2. DH says about the asexuality questions - he just does not feel attracted to anyone. He feels love for me but seeing me clothed/naked does not make a difference to him. He also says many ace people can physically have sex as he has learnt on a resources on ace website. He just does not want it.

This doesn't lead to any solution of course although he has made a list of questions about opening things out and we plan to see a therapist who deals with asexuality/poly/open stuff.

We've both discussed this thread and while I can see the vast majority have advised to split up we just cannot contemplate it. I'll go off now but thank you very much for posting especially those who posted their own experiences too.

Ross if you don't want to separate then I don't think you have to, I am sorry that it took time for you both to realise that your husband is ace, it's a life changing difference for both of you. I'd see if there are any LGBT groups in your area on 'meetup' that might be a nice thing to do together, and maybe even to meet other ace people/people in similar situations.

Well of course your husband won't want to separate!? That's a non issue. I truely understand you don't want to separate but I also strongly advise setting up your life so that there is somewhere you can easily escape to if you feel suffocated in the future. Make it your priority. A holiday cottage, a rental apartment, anything. You hopefully will never need it but you might one day ( even if it's just to spend 2 days masturbating in peace).

If your relationship with your husband has knocked you so much you start crying when a random says you seem young to have the job you do, then things are a lot worse than you have made out on here.