If you were my mum, what would you say?

[Sadandalone2018]

I'm 28, been with DH for 8 years, married for 18 months.
I am deeply unhappy in this relationship due to problems in our early years of dating, my lack of physical attraction to him and my sense that 28 is too young to feel bored and trapped. There's no abuse. Ive had 5 months of counselling where these issues came to light. I am a deeply private person. I thought dh was the right guy, but in hindsight I settled. No DC.

If you were my mum, would you be frightened and humiliated if I left him? You think he's a good guy, but you are worried because I seem unhappy to you and you've mentioned this unhappiness.

My closest friend thinks I have anxiety / depression and says we're great together. She said I might end up regretting leaving a good man.

She isn't in this marriage with no desire or passion. You are. It's up to you, not her. Only you know what you want.

You used "betrayal" in a previous post OP. It's not a betrayal to leave an unhappy relationship. You don't have to stay. You have a choice, always.

It would be a betrayal to stay married but end up having an affair because you are not sexually attracted to your husband.

She said I might end up regretting leaving a good man. It's possible you might regret it, but then again if you stay, it's likely that in 10 years time you'll regret that too.

The house is a red herring if he had a big deposit he can get a flat somewhere. You don’t need a house if you are single

I agree with others that life is too short,I also think You sound like fear of the unknown is holding you back. I found that making a plan for my life (sports challenge, hobby, career etc) helped my feel less afraid and more “able” to end a bad long term relationship.

I know you don’t want to detail the private things that happened / were discovered early on in your relationship but given how long ago they happened and how you write about it - it sounds like it was pretty horrific/shocking and it’s probably not something you are going to get over (and depending on what it was perhaps you shouldn’t be trying to either!!)

Your 30s and 40s are good years and more than double the time you have known him. I’m early 30s but I already see these are going to be some of my best years so far.

While I wasn’t married I did leave a serious lt relationship at your age and I had the fear but I am so so so much happier now. if I’d have stayed I’d probably have had a breakdown- I thought he would struggle but he persued his dreams (career change) after we broke up is actually very happy too from what I see.

My parents reacted badly to my divorce. I also kept a lot of detail from them. Now we are 8 years on and I'm remarried, they are pleased that I got out (we share DC so they can see how ex is still an arse on a regular basis)

I would feel sad that my DD wasn't happy...but not humiliated that she wants to leave an unhappy marriage.

I'd actually be happy the realisation came before she had kids.

I am a mum to a 1 year old so quite possibly not who you are looking to get advice from but the only thing, I think, that would make me unhappy is my daughter being unhappy because she was worried something she was doing / wanted to do would upset me. I would feel like I had failed massively if she couldn't come to me with anything. Short of criminality I can't imagine feeling upset by something she wanted at all

My brother stayed in an unhappy marriage for two extra years because he thought it would break our parent’s hearts if he divorced.

Similar experience with my DB. DM was so upset seeing him unhappy.

Of course my parents were sad about the divorce.. my DF felt they should have and could have worked things out as they had DC...but he's very old school...late 70s.

I think some parents feel their child divorcing as a personal failure on them.

I would want you to come home, lick your wounds whilst I feed and look after you. I would want you to know I love you more than anything no matter what and that I’m proud of you for recognising you’re not happy and doing something about it.
I wouldn’t feel humiliated, god, what a thought!
My heart would break if you stayed and saw how unhappy you are.

Better to find out what and who you want on your own. Can you talk to her today? The first words are the hardest, so tell her in advance you have something difficult to say.

Thanks everyone.

You all sound like amazing mums.

I'm going to have another month of counselling and then consider my options.

Hi all,

I posted under a few name changes (and tweaking details slightly so as to be unrecognisable) over the past year as I went through a very difficult time. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who posted on this thread. I left him a couple of months ago, and I feel a freedom and a peace I didn't know existed.

Your words brought me so much comfort and reassurance in a really dark time. My mum was amazing, and so are all of you.

Thank you x

Aw, op, well done and so happy for you and your mum

I’d say “well we all make mistakes, what’s important is you do the right thing now and learn not to make that mistake again” xx

The same happened to me, except I was a few months off getting married. My mum was disappointed and upset because he was a lovely, genuine and kind person but she had no idea I was unhappy. Ultimately she wanted me to be happy though and I’m so much happier now (with someone else, and one DD) she said I was very brave for ending it and I’m sure your mum would want the same for you. Do what makes you happy, you are so young. Good luck.