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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were my mum, what would you say?

92 replies

Sadandalone2018 · 14/02/2018 15:16

I'm 28, been with DH for 8 years, married for 18 months.
I am deeply unhappy in this relationship due to problems in our early years of dating, my lack of physical attraction to him and my sense that 28 is too young to feel bored and trapped. There's no abuse. Ive had 5 months of counselling where these issues came to light. I am a deeply private person. I thought dh was the right guy, but in hindsight I settled. No DC.

If you were my mum, would you be frightened and humiliated if I left him? You think he's a good guy, but you are worried because I seem unhappy to you and you've mentioned this unhappiness.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 14/02/2018 16:40

I'd be telling my dd that life was for living and too short to be in an unhappy relationship.
I would support whatever decision she made and be there for somebody to talk to if she wished.
I would talk about her husband too and in the case you've described tell her it would be faier for him too if they separated.
nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them.

Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 14/02/2018 16:45

Thank you all.

I will always love DH immensely and I could make myself happy with him if it was 1925. But life is too short. Gosh what a bloody mess.

OP posts:
Ikabod · 14/02/2018 16:50

I want two things for my daughters: that they lead happy and fulfilling lives. I would want exactly the same for you if you were my daughter and would support you in achieving that, especially when that means making difficult or uncomfortable decisions.

Babysgotyoureyes · 14/02/2018 17:03

You say you had a breakdown last summer. I remember a wise person once told me 'a breakdown is a breakthrough'. You need to reach out and grab whatever it is that will make you happy. You are so young! Oh how I wish I was back where you are now. It's not your mum who is living in an unhappy relationship, it's you.

FrogFairy · 14/02/2018 17:10

If you were my daughter, I would give you a big hug and tell you that life is too short to be miserable. I would offer whatever support you needed whether that be emotional or practical.

It sounds like you have outgrown the relationship and that perhaps realised that those early issues are unforgivable.

I wish you well OP, be kind to yourself. You deserve happiness.

Wallywobbles · 14/02/2018 17:11

I'd say that no-one outside of a mariage views divorce as a failure. I'd also say don't put it off for another day, or your potential regrets will become real.

GertieMotherwell · 14/02/2018 17:14

Sadandalone2018
I have children your age and I would be really fucking angry if I felt they stayed in an unhappy marriage because they were worried about what others, including me, thought x

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/02/2018 17:20

When my first DH and I were on the verge of splitting up, I was terrified of telling my parents. I was really worried they'd see me as flaky, irresponsible, and if it being just another example of me being a total twat.

When I actually told them, they were amazing! Supportive, sensible, kind, and helpful. Turns out they'd never much liked him. 🤣

deste · 14/02/2018 17:43

My DD realized before even two years were up that her marriage had to end. She had doubts even before that. I encouraged her to leave, she thought I would be upset. No mother would want their child to be suffering if there was a solution.

Munchyseeds · 14/02/2018 17:48

If I was your mum I would support you to leave
You are too young to be in a marriage that is not right for either of you
I would want him to be happy as well
Good luckFlowers

Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 14/02/2018 17:57

Thank you all. I feel like such a fool, I thought I had life sorted. What an idiot. He has so many good traits. On paper I should be happy, but I'm not.

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 14/02/2018 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

franktheskank · 14/02/2018 20:45

With no dc involved I'd tell you to leave him if you're not happy and haven't been for a long time.

Your still so youngSmile

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 08:36

You are not a fool.
We all think we have life sorted.
I started all over again at 41.
And now I'm doing it again at 49.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
It doesn't make it right or wrong.
YOU need to be happy.
And only YOU can make yourself happy.
You are responsible, as an adult, for your own happiness.
Do what you need to do.

PollyPerky · 15/02/2018 08:59

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to leave.

My DD is a year older than you and childless and man-less. Just broke up with a long term BF. (Her choice.)

You have another 7-8 years to have a child - or maybe a tiny bit longer. You could be happily married in 2-3 years .

Don't let one mistake mar your whole life.

Be brave and start a new life.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 15/02/2018 10:36

Hi Sandalone,

My wife left me in our mid 20's, despite things being as you describe - perfect on paper and no real issues, she just feel it. This was 18 months after our wedding too!

That was over 15 years ago. We exchange the odd message every couple of years. My life is so much happier because she chose to make a difficult decision rather than trap us both in a relationship that could never be genuinely joyful. We both found the right people, ones who were better for us as we were.

It hurt like hell, it really did. But even though she made that brave decision for her own happiness, I could never have been truly happy if she couldn't - it was the best decision for me too, even though I hated it at the time.

stolemyusername · 15/02/2018 11:34

My own mum gave the the sound advice, 'he doesn't hit you so what's your problem?'

If my own daughter were in your position, I'd tell her that the door was always open for her at home and I was always there for her. She (you), deserves to be happy and fulfilled in life.

Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 15/02/2018 11:37

Thanks newlevels.

There are lots of wonderful things about our relationship and I don't know if saying we'd both be better off is just to assuage my own selfishness and betrayal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 15/02/2018 11:39

Thank you all for your views. They are hugely reassuring.

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 15/02/2018 11:46

Newlevels
That’s a great post. I’m glad you found happiness 💐 🍻

Missingstreetlife · 15/02/2018 11:46

Try couple counselling?

deadringer · 15/02/2018 14:01

I have a dd almost your age. I would hate to think of her in a relationship where she was unhappy and not attracted to her dp. At 28 you should be living life to the full. Let him go and live your life to the full.

Bumshkawahwah · 15/02/2018 15:46

I think it's a good thing that you are realising this at such a young age and not waited until years have gone by. If I were you're mum I think I ask if you were completely sure and then offer to help in any way I could.

At the end of the day, you being unhappy will not lead to a good marriage. And if your husband would rather you stay in a marriage being miserable, then that would make him rather selfish also. You can't stay to make someone else happy. This is not your fault - you can't help how you feel.

Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 15/02/2018 17:30

We also own a house. He paid most of the deposit but he can't afford the mortgage on his own. We only moved 2 years ago. Fuck.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 15/02/2018 17:34

I am old enough to be your Mum. I'd tell you life's too short to be with someone who isn't right for you and it's alot easier to get out now than it will be in the future. You have to do what's right for you. Other people's opinions are not relevant as it's your life. I'd want you to be happy and as such would support you in what your planning to do.