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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were my mum, what would you say?

92 replies

Sadandalone2018 · 14/02/2018 15:16

I'm 28, been with DH for 8 years, married for 18 months.
I am deeply unhappy in this relationship due to problems in our early years of dating, my lack of physical attraction to him and my sense that 28 is too young to feel bored and trapped. There's no abuse. Ive had 5 months of counselling where these issues came to light. I am a deeply private person. I thought dh was the right guy, but in hindsight I settled. No DC.

If you were my mum, would you be frightened and humiliated if I left him? You think he's a good guy, but you are worried because I seem unhappy to you and you've mentioned this unhappiness.

OP posts:
kerryleigh · 14/02/2018 15:56

I would want my child to be happy and I would support you in any way possible. Talk to her, I'm sure she will understand and support you

BewareOfDragons · 14/02/2018 15:57

Oh hun. Your parents will want you to be happy.

I know you're focused on the 8 years you've had together, including 18 months being married, but look at it another way. You have (if you're lucky), 50, 60 or 70 years ahead of you. Please don't feel you have to spend them with someone who doesn't make you happy just because you met someone so young and married them.

Also remember that you love your DH, just not the right way. You should want more for him, too. He deserves to be loved by someone who feels attracted to him and who doesn't feel bored and trapped with him.

Hugs to you.

AgathaF · 14/02/2018 15:58

I'm sure your mum will be supportive if you tell her this. If you find it difficult to talk to her about it, could you email her or write a letter?

kerryleigh · 14/02/2018 15:59

My niece is your age and in the same situation + 2DC. She'll move in with me in the summer and start again. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy

TwitterQueen1 · 14/02/2018 16:00

Is there something else going on here OP? I get the feeling there's something major troubling you, other than being divorced, which, btw, is what you need to be. 28 is no age at all and you can hardly stay in this situation for the next 50 years or so.!

My children have my unconditional support always, without question.

BrandNewHouse · 14/02/2018 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CassandraCross · 14/02/2018 16:03

I'd tell my daughter that life is too short to be unhappy and that just settling is not a good enough reason to be, or stay, in a relationship. I would support you fully and without judgement, your long term mental health and happiness would be my only priority.

We are all allowed to make mistakes they are not what define us, how we move on and learn from them is what is important.

demirose87 · 14/02/2018 16:07

You need to leave OP. you are still young and it's making you miserable. Your mum would not be happy to know you're feeling this way. But with all due respect, OP, this is YOUR life and what your mum would say really is irrelevant. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship, and I say this as someone who left a bad relationship to go on to meet an amazing partner. It is hard but one day when you are strong enough you will just know that the time is right to make the break and start afresh.

Katedotness1963 · 14/02/2018 16:07

If you were my child I'd want you to be happy and I'd hope you felt you could come to me with your worries. From what you've posted it seems your mum knows there's a problem and is probably worried about you?

Original poster
Sadandalone2018 · 14/02/2018 16:08

Brandnewhouse - The deeply private bit is because there were issues in our first 3 years together that made me unhappy but I never spoke to anyone about it.

I had a breakdown last summer, felt like I had lost control of my life, and I sought counselling. It has been painfully eye opening, and made me realise that I have no passion or attraction for DH

OP posts:
antimatter · 14/02/2018 16:08

I would say to my child, don't stay for the feel of obligation. I'll invite you to sty with me if you need to.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 14/02/2018 16:10

If I were your mum I would want you to know that I loved you no matter what and would always be there for you.

I would just want you to be happy x

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2018 16:12

I would tell her that's it's her life and her decision and I would stand by what ever decision she wanted to make.
You had a breakdown.
You need to be happy.
Have you looked into depression?
30 divorced and childless is fine.
30 divorced and a single parent - not so appealing!
Do it now and live your life the way you want to.

yeahforfriday · 14/02/2018 16:14

If you were my child I would be so proud that you were walking away from a relationship that you were unhappy and just settling in.

I would be relived that you were making the break now rather than trying to have children to save a marriage & I would definitely make sure you knew that you were loved and could find happiness both with yourself and with a future partner if that is what you choose.

Olddear · 14/02/2018 16:16

I'd help you all I could, I'd only want your happiness. It actually happened to my friends daughter, got married, and within a few months knew she'd made a mistake, she just didn't love him, so she left. Think there was a bit of embarrassment, it was a huge 'do' but they all got over that and moved on. And so will you.

CheesyWeez · 14/02/2018 16:16

Don't worry about the "30 divorced and childless" part. That was me at 30. At 34 I was remarried, and had a baby, and another one later. That was 20 years ago and I'm still happy. I don't regret it. If I'd done nothing I would have been 54 unhappy and childless now.

Did you get married 6 years into the relationship to try to bring back some of the romance? (I did that)

Tell your mum. Could she put you up for a bit? Start thinking about how to tell H and where you'll live etc. What you'll do next. Maybe just thinking will make you feel excited about the future which will help you make the changes. Good luck OP Flowers

Knittedfairies · 14/02/2018 16:16

If you were my daughter I would feel proud that you recognise you need to leave, and definitely would not feel 'humiliated' by your decision. I'd help you move, if necessary. (But I also know that my daughter wouldn’t consider my reaction if she wanted to leave her husband. Quite right too.)

TempusEejit · 14/02/2018 16:18

People tend to change a disproportionate amount during their twenties, after all for most of the decade before, you were a child still at school. Not to say you can't be mature at 20 years old, but chances are you'll develop quite a different outlook on life between the ages of 20 and 29 compared with say 30 and 39. So don't be too hard on yourself for having the insight to know you have settled for the wrong person and it's making you unhappy (unless you've had your head turned by someone else and you think the grass might be greener? Which is a different headspace to the one you've described).

supersop60 · 14/02/2018 16:18

If I were your mum, I'd want you to be happy.

My own DM, on the other hand, when my dsis left her DH, kept saying loudly "Where have I gone wrong?"

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/02/2018 16:19

I think you're using this as an excuse to stay where you are, to be honest.

You've done the counselling, you know you need/want to go but 'oh, my mum will be frightened and humiliated.'

She won't you know. At worst she'll be sad for you. It's time to move on, don't use your mum as an excuse.

StormTreader · 14/02/2018 16:20

Frightened and humiliated are both quite unusual words to use - is there a reason you picked those?

StayAChild · 14/02/2018 16:20

I would be relieved and help you to leave. If she's been questioning your unhappiness for a while she will have seen through the 'good guy' facade.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/02/2018 16:23

I would worry that you weren’t capable of being happy in a relationship

What a horrible thing to say!

Qvar · 14/02/2018 16:27

Why would she be either frightened of embarrassed? Leaving your husband isn't frightening or embarrasing!

I would want my child to be happy!

itshappening · 14/02/2018 16:31

The thing is OP, 30 is young to be out there and single. Forget having a 'divorced status', that is neither here nor there and people will not care about it. I am sure your mum would support you, but more importantly she should support you. This is your decision and you should leave with or without support if you want to. There is no reason I can think of for your mum to feel frightened or humiliated. If your DH is a nice guy as you say, you owe it to him to sort this out.

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