Miserable in marriage

[Pine1]

Hello,
I’m new here and have never posted but am feeling so desperately in need of advice or something I don’t even know I just logged on. I have been married for nearly 5 years and we have 2 children (2.5 &1.5) who are 11 months apart. It has been really tough and taken it’s toll. I had really bad PND after my second son was born and my husband has started with his own health problems which has forced us into separate bedrooms. We haven’t shared a bed together in over a year although somehow have managed to keep our sex life going to some extent. We are just so disconnected though haven’t had sex this year at all yet and the closeness is gone it seems. He calls me a fwit and cface without much provocation though never in front of the children. I’ve told him I’m misrrable and something needs to change and he just said ‘well maybe you should just up your f***g pills then’. To the outside world he is handsome and charming and professional and polite. Even my counsellor who met him once when we attempted couples counselling thinks he’s great! So I struggle to know if it’s me that’s the nightmare. I suffer with anxiety and depression I need a lot of support but I try to do a lot for him and yet I get zero emotional support from him and when I’m having a down/insecure phase he makes it worse. I don’t know what to do and feel trapped.

Do you work?
Are you financially independent?

I imagine it's hard going with young children.

I couldn't be with a man who insulted me like that...I've known my DH for over 20 years and even in arguments he's never sworn at me.

Have you had individual counselling? You need to try and confide in someone in real life. A close friend or family member.

Yes I work three days a week at the moment and could possibly look to up that, well I guess I’d have to if we split. I am continuing to have individual counselling sessions but they’re only once a month at the moment. Thanks for your perspective. I just don’t know which way to turn at the moment.

Once a month is too infrequent to have a real impact.

Do you have interests outside of the marriage? Hobbies? Do you socialise in the evenings?

Sometimes you need to find happiness in yourself, then look at the marriage. Being satisfied with yourself is the first step...so if there's anything uou want to/need to with on..then do that.

Are you spending quality time with your DC on the days you aren't working?

You may have a different outlook on things when other areas of your life are in order...and you'll feel stronger to leave the relationship if you're ultimately still not happy.

I really struggle with the way he speaks to you though...I couldn't get used to that.

you just can't stay with done who shows you that level of disrespect. We all say the odd unguarded thing in an argument but this just reveals a cold dislike of you that you really can't put up with. You must start planning for a future without him living with your. I'm sorry, because you sound lovely

Thanks both. And yes I do have hobbies well a hobby - I love keeping fit and running in particular. Used to do loads of it before the kids came along but lately joined a group I go to two evenings a week full of lovely people and it’s such a nice escape. I haven’t been able to go the last week though due to being ill and run down so I think that’s affecting my mood at the moment. Husband is a keen runner/cyclist and always out doing something in the evenings or weekends so I do tend to end up looking after the kids so he can go off but I know I need to change that. Lately I haven’t felt much like socialising and have cancelled a few plans because I’m feeling down and sort of don’t want to admit it to my friends just yet. I do have two quality days with my DC’s every week and it’s absolutely relentless with the age they are but they make me smile and I do enjoy my time with them. I sometimes find myself wishing he wasn’t coming home at the end of the day though! And on the counselling yes I agree once a month isn’t really enough but she’s always so booked up plus it’s about £80 a time so it’s quite expensive. Pog100 what you said about him having a cold dislike for me - I really think you’re right but I don’t get why he doesn’t just leave or talk to me about trying to do something about it. It’s like he’s ok with living a dissatisfied life.

Bless you..... you do have to leave that relationship. It's not healthy and making you unhappy. You deserve much more. To the outside world everyone is different! I went 4 years with no sex or physical contact, separate bedrooms, then decided I needed to live a life I was happy with! He could be comfortable with 'how things are' because change is scary. Leaving, not seeing the children.....these are scary things!! But you can do it. Do you want to work things out? If so, I would talk to him first....ask if he sees a way that you can go back to how things were or if you should go separate ways - she what he says. He can't be happy either hence the swearing and frustration. Communication is key. Do you have family close by? Life with such little ones isn't easy x

Name calling is Contempt.

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Google John Gottman credentials, books and vids.

Thanks TracyL74 and yes I have my Mum close by. I suppose I haven’t wanted to admit to her that it’s failing as then it seems more real. Just this morning actually he did apologise for the name calling and said he won’t do it anymore but he’s been doing it for 5 years so I don’t know how he could just stop. I feel like for the family’s sake maybe I should try work on myself and talk to him put a few strategies in place then if I really feel i can’t go on at least I’ll know I tried everything I could. Thank you Bibbidee for that reference very interesting.. I’ll have a look at his books. Thanks again everyone for helping me see things a bit more clearly.

Pine1,

re your comment:-

"Pog100 what you said about him having a cold dislike for me - I really think you’re right but I don’t get why he doesn’t just leave or talk to me about trying to do something about it. It’s like he’s ok with living a dissatisfied life"

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE. Your H broke that the first time he called you such names.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. Forget everything else for a mo, what needs of yours are being met here?.

Abuse is not about a perceived lack of communication or even communication, its about power and control. Your man here wants absolute. I would think that he is the root cause of your ongoing depressive state now.

Your children even if they do not hear him calling you vile names are picking up on all the unspoken vibes and your reactions. They are learning from you also about relationships. Think carefully about what you want to teach them and what they are learning about relationships from the two of you here.

He is blaming you for his inherent unhappiness and actions but you are not responsible for his actions nor his emotional state. BTW Pine what are his parents like?. They would also give you clues here.

The name calling towards you is abusive in nature and stems from wanting power and control. He likes having you around because if you left (that is really your best option here going forward) he would have to them find some other woman and that takes both time and hard work.

Joint counselling was never going to work out either because such abusive men can appear plausible and they can and do also manipulate counsellors (as your H certainly did). You've been manipulated by him to date, these people are master manipulators.

Its failing because he is abusive and his apology is anything but; its mere words designed to keep you where you are. He has not taken or accepted any real responsibility for his actions here.

I would be talking to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances and seek their counsel. They can and will help you here, their number is 0808 2000 247.

You would probably find your mh much improved if you left this man.

Attila so much sense there I’ve read your post about 4 times it’s sill sinking in. Thank you.

Actually if you already work 3 days, tax credits as a lone parent will be available to you while your kids are so.young. And help with childcare costs

Oh and his parents that’s an interesting question.. they’ve been married nearly 60 years but his Dad has had affairs and his mum has turned the other cheek. They are both very judgemental and sent my DH to boarding school when he was 11. They drink a lot and can have quite nasty explosive outbursts. They all laugh about it but they too call each other some pretty nasty names after a drink. And then in a flash it’s ‘forgotten’ until the next time. He is always so desperate to gain their approval and have them ‘be proud’ of him - despite the fact that he’s 44..

Oh thanks fusspot66 I had no idea and hadn’t even considered it, thank you.

there is just no excuse for the way he is treating you. No wonder you have anxiety issues. You can't tolerate this, it's disgusting. I could not live with a man who talked to me like that, there are no excuses.

Just wanted to say thank you so much again. This is some of the best advice I’ve had in years of close friendships. I think I needed people to be this honest.

I'm always amazed at how people can show a completely different persona to the outside than the one they show at home. It's frustrating as hell to see people praise someone you know to be a complete twat - and to seem unreasonable when you try to explain that someone is not all they are cracked up to be.

Good luck OP whatever you decide to do. Personally you'll be worse off financially but a hell of a lot better off emotionally if you kick his ass out.,

I agree worldsworstcook - tonight I got a lecture for ‘feeding the dog in the wrong room’ before being told I make his skin crawl. Just thought I’d update you on my Valentines night! Hope you’re all having a better one than me..

Oh God! What a nasty little shit he is.

Right.....time to let him know that's it. How dare he talk to you like that. Awful behaviour...it's demeaning, and not an environment your children should be exposed to.

.....before being told I make his skin crawl.

Omg I mean who needs enemies when you've got a husband like this?

OP did you plan your 2nd DC? Just trying to understand why you'd have a second child with someone so abusive? Or did he suddenly get worse?

Bibbidee - is that helpful?

And I bet when he said you make his skin crawl you stood and took it and didn't argue back.

Don't let him do this OP, you're so much better than that and so much better than him. Tell him he's a pathetic human being, not like a man at all, a bully and a complete shit. And you're off, or he is. But one of you is leaving.

My 2nd baby was a surprise - they are very close together in age.

He hasn’t always been like this, he’s always had a slightly cruel tongue in arguments but this is a whole new level.

When he said that to me last night I just replied to say I was starting to realise I deserve better than this, and then went to bed and didn’t see him for the rest of the night.

Again he’s apologised this morning and said he feels frustrated and stressed at the moment and admitted he’s taking it out on me.

He has no right to take it out on you. I bet he doesn't take it out on his boss or senior colleagues.

To him you are like a dog that he kicks when he feels like it.