Miserable in marriage

[Pine1]

Hello,
I’m new here and have never posted but am feeling so desperately in need of advice or something I don’t even know I just logged on. I have been married for nearly 5 years and we have 2 children (2.5 &1.5) who are 11 months apart. It has been really tough and taken it’s toll. I had really bad PND after my second son was born and my husband has started with his own health problems which has forced us into separate bedrooms. We haven’t shared a bed together in over a year although somehow have managed to keep our sex life going to some extent. We are just so disconnected though haven’t had sex this year at all yet and the closeness is gone it seems. He calls me a fwit and cface without much provocation though never in front of the children. I’ve told him I’m misrrable and something needs to change and he just said ‘well maybe you should just up your f***g pills then’. To the outside world he is handsome and charming and professional and polite. Even my counsellor who met him once when we attempted couples counselling thinks he’s great! So I struggle to know if it’s me that’s the nightmare. I suffer with anxiety and depression I need a lot of support but I try to do a lot for him and yet I get zero emotional support from him and when I’m having a down/insecure phase he makes it worse. I don’t know what to do and feel trapped.

Thank you x

I’ve left but I feel so weird, anxious, sad and wrong. Why do I feel like I’ve made a mistake? Has anyone else felt like this after leaving?

I think this is a completely normal reaction, especially after the ways in which he has confused you and wrong-footed you over so many years. You have been thinking about this and working up to this for a long time, and you know you’ve done the right thing really. The feeling of being at peace, safe and in control will come, it will just take time. Hold tight.

Hi everyone, not sure if anyone will see this. And I am sorry to be so indulgent when you’ve given me so much of your time already. But it’s just over 6 months on since I left and I am still feeling wretched. I can’t sit with silence, the tears are here big time - and meanwhile he has started a full blown relationship with the woman he was messaging towards the end with me. She has left her husband for him and he says he is in love. He’s jamming it down the kids throats constantly saying lovely things about her whilst simultaneously saying awful things about me, including ‘I wish your Mother would just drop dead. It would really help me out’. My boys tell me. I’m all over the place. I feel like I never mattered. Why am I so sad when I was the one who wanted to leave after his behaviour, and he’s fine yet he said he wanted me to stay? Is this narcissistic? Was it ever real? I’m thinking now looking back to my 2018 post maybe he was having an affair back then and I couldn’t see it. He says this new person is much kinder than me and he even tells the boys about our legal negotiations as I am trying to buy the house back. My eldest gets cross with me as his Dad frames me as being unreasonable and tells them I am trying to stop him buying his new house which I absolutely am not. I’m so skint. I’ve spent thousands on rent whilst he sat in our house having changed the mortgage to interest only so his outgoings actually went down. I moved out because I could no longer expose the boys to the atmosphere.. but it’s been so exhausting, draining and expensive. The boys are in therapy which he refuses to contribute to. Why am I so sad? Will I ever feel anywhere like normal? I have to function day to day for work and the boys and general life but I’m a mess. Sorry and thank you if you have read this.

Are you moving forward with the divorce? I hope that puts you in a better financial position.

He sounds completely vile, and he knows nothing about kindness if he thinks its remotely OK to tell your kids he wishes you would die. Absolutely nothing. He's horrible and you'll be much happier without him

Try to think of a thing to do everyday to feel happy, even if its just having a nice coffee or watching Netflix or having a face mask. Stay strong

Yes I am - we have the consent order drafted for me to buy him out of the house and then I guess the divorce but comes next? I am in Germany for work and at 10pm I’ve just had a call from my ten year old sobbing that he misses me. He’s with his dad, still up, been allowed to game all night - just left and was full in his school uniform. When I questioned it my ex DC shouted from the background‘I don’t have to answer to you, shut up woman’ I hate being away and don’t have to be very often but have to keep my job going. How can someone be so cruel and why is it so hard.

Thank you though I love your idea of doing one nice thing a day - I will try that. I’ve got into a bad habit of not looking after myself lately and I am exhausted.

Ex husband not DC🤦‍♀️

Well done on getting this far! It’s no wonder you are feeling lost, you’ve been putting up with this for so long!
Find your anger OP, at the way he’s treated you & the way he is treating your son!

use your anger to galvanise you into action! Buy him out of the house, file for divorce! Get rid of him!

Thank you @rockstarshoes - I will try my best. So unfair you can know someone is treating you badly but you can still feel sad about them! Seeing how he was tonight though, it’s almost better when he’s vile as it’s a good reminder.

Your children will come to realise how abusive he is. Perhaps through seeing the pattern repeat itself with his new woman.

Are you able to see a counsellor about your residual feelings towards him?

this might sound bad but I hope he does repeat those patterns - I feel lol I need it because I new felt good enough for him. But also know I have issues about him and need to find a way to detach. I am seeing a counsellor rebel’s not as frequently as I should have done because with money I have been prioritising the kids therapy costs. But I have booked an appointment for Friday this week. I wish he didn’t affect me. I feel so alone and like he’s in this grown up relationship in a team but I also know deep down he hasn’t changed or reflected. But the self doubting me allows the thoughts in like maybe he just never loved me enough, he always made me feel like there could be something better.

Sorry lots of autocorrect errors - tired!