Miserable in marriage

[Pine1]

Hello,
I’m new here and have never posted but am feeling so desperately in need of advice or something I don’t even know I just logged on. I have been married for nearly 5 years and we have 2 children (2.5 &1.5) who are 11 months apart. It has been really tough and taken it’s toll. I had really bad PND after my second son was born and my husband has started with his own health problems which has forced us into separate bedrooms. We haven’t shared a bed together in over a year although somehow have managed to keep our sex life going to some extent. We are just so disconnected though haven’t had sex this year at all yet and the closeness is gone it seems. He calls me a fwit and cface without much provocation though never in front of the children. I’ve told him I’m misrrable and something needs to change and he just said ‘well maybe you should just up your f***g pills then’. To the outside world he is handsome and charming and professional and polite. Even my counsellor who met him once when we attempted couples counselling thinks he’s great! So I struggle to know if it’s me that’s the nightmare. I suffer with anxiety and depression I need a lot of support but I try to do a lot for him and yet I get zero emotional support from him and when I’m having a down/insecure phase he makes it worse. I don’t know what to do and feel trapped.

Sounds horrible OP.

What use is an apology if he’ll do it again?
I assume he’s apologised before?

Stressed? Millions of people get stressed without getting abusive.
He’s a total arse.
I bet he’s a big factor in your depression.

Get angry, then get out.

Let me is this familiar? The apologies are wonderfully inadequate. They can be sooo shitty, say the nastiest things imaginable, cut you to your core and then - usually after they've had a good nights sleep while you've tossed and turned, apologise in the morning and put it down to stress. It's because you hurt the one closest to you and I don't mean it.

The things they say scar you in your brain, they may forget what they say unless it's designed to hurt you in a specific way but you remember all the insults and it becomes so bad you can predict what is going to be said and the inevitable lacklustre apology that follows. Until the next time.

Go OP, I'm not one to tell people to bail out but your kids will grow up being used to this behaviour, this treatment. And they will sway between thinking it's normal to feeling powerless to protect you which creates problems for them.

A mad idea is to get a voice activated device, record him being shitty andbasty and play it to your parents/siblings. You need someone on board to witnesses first or secondhand just how nasty he is.

*nasty

Pine, it seens you are desensitised to the abuse but your body keeps the score and your mental health is suffering.

I had anxiety living with ex which honestly did disappear when he left.Outwardly I appeared tough and resilient but my body reacted with anxiety.

If he grew up with similar behaviour then he will have to unlearn it.Its not easy as his brain has wired to respond as he does.

He could change but he needs to be highly motivated.I would recommend you read Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship".

I left my marriage because I wanted to break the cycle of toxicity.Its handed down generation to generation as children become what they witness.
Your H has learnt to mask his behaviour so outwardly appearing "nice".A wolf in sheeps clothing that only a few people see.

Are you a similar age? Did he have longterm relarionships before?

He is 7 years older than me. He had a long term relationship before me they had a house together but she left him. I heard later down the line that she thought he was always trying to control her and get a reaction. He says she was ‘mad’. And yes I know I should’ve seen the warning signs then. It’s like something has exploded recently within him I’ve never known him so full of venom and I feel a heightened sense of anxiety every time we have an exchange. I know I need to get out it’s just how. It’s all just such a mess. To make things worse my two year old just knocked over the tv whilst I was in the kitchen for a second and I told H over the phone and now he says it’s my fault I’m doing my best with two small children but nothing I do is ever right and I’m always in trouble.

You should not have anxiety in your own house.

If he’d look after them, would it be his fault if they break something? Guess not.

OP you need a plan. I know it is so bloody hard to do stuff when you are depressed and anxious, when you should be getting support.
He doesn’t respect you at all. All he does is put you down.

My heart is aching for you, you really don’t deserve this.

Gosh I am so sorry for you darling.

My ex got like this towards the end. It was agony. I can't tell you how free I felt when I walked out and started over.

It's not meant to feel like this.

I have a lovely partner now. He takes care of me. You deserve someone who wants to take care of you. You deserve peace and contentment. Xxxx

Omg I'm anxious about the telly!
Remember that accidents happen and this is why we buy bloody insurance!

Don't engage him when he starts about the tv. Just observe his behaviour and watch him. You'll start to see him, the real him. You'll see him trying to push your buttons, he'll be trying to get a rise out of you but just observe.

Hi OP. I am male. FWIW.. I think your husband has major issues. I have been married for almost 17 years and have never ever insulted my wife like that.

I was anxious about the telly too, many people don’t realise a television or furniture fallling on a child can kill them. It is so dangerous, televisions and furniture need to be secure.

If your child had been injured your h would have blamed you. Tell him he is just as responsible for securing the furniture so your children don’t Injured.

I feel sad for you putting up with this man. You must feel so stressed and unhappy living with such a nasty piece of work.

I must admit I hadn’t considered the risk of the telly falling on the children before yesterday. I had such a panic when I realised what could have happened and am so grateful they are both ok. A lesson I suppose but I’m going to make sure it is securely fixed from now on - weekend job! I do feel stressed and unhappy, I told my Mum last night so I think it feels more real when you confide in someone close. There’s just a huge mountain to climb now. Thanks again everyone and very useful also to have a male perspective here.

Hello, it’s me.. 7 years later. So much has happened. I should have left and didn’t. If I don’t leave now I will lose myself. I’ve set the wheels in motion. Just wondered if anyone was here?

Aw hey, OP, sorry you're still there, but sounds like you're ready now?

Hi @Pine1 You poor thing. So sorry to see you’re still putting up with his shit but glad to see you’ve reached the point that you realise you deserve better than that. Do you still have your mums support?

Do you have a plan?

I’m sorry you are still going through this!

what do yo need from us? Have you been in touch with woman’s aid?
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Just to fill in, I told him back in 2018 I was ready to leave him and I had started to feel strong about it. He pulled everything out of the bag and became the person I thought i had married. It took a few months but I decided to give him another chance. And then it started to go backwards. The name calling, insults, rejection. He’s grabbed me me, pushed me, smashed up the TV told me I’m mentally unwell and that I have BPD. I’ve paid for everything all along the way too. On paper in black and white it sounds terrible and it is..

But please don’t ask me why I stayed. Being in an abusive relationship is so complicated and layered and I have doubted my own sanity, opinions and general thoughts. We also had lockdown which meant I couldn’t leave. And I didn’t even realise this was abuse. I had bet really even heard of gas lighting until recently.

I have called the police when he attacked me, and he was but released without charge. I tried to divorce him too but he followed me around the house with the papers, sobbing (he never cries) in front of the children. I was trying to put our youngest to bed and he was banging at the door shouting that he needed to talk to me. My eldest looked at me and said ‘If you divorce Dad, you divorce me’. I felt the bars of a cage click shut. Because of his volatility I didn’t feel safe enough to serve him the papers again.

Fast forward to today and I have a divorce solicitor and have seen a mediator. I showed my solicitor some of the messages he sends me around my mental health and she suggested I go to the police as a non emergency to get it on their radar not to arrest him. I did this, they asked me a lot of questions and I was honest. At the end they said they were going to arrest him for coercive control, criminal damage and common assault. I was absolutely floored and felt and still do so guilty. They held him in a cell all day and he was finally released again without charge.

This has been a double edged sword; I now feel safe enough to continue with the divorce application - but now I am being framed by him to his family and our friends as someone who unfairly had him arrested. His best friend said that I ‘have him over a barrel now’.

Not that this should matter but he got talking to another Mum recently and they swapped numbers and he’s being very cagey about that and of course she just so happens to be a model (yes I have looked her up on instagram).

I have been referred to IDAS and someone has been checking in on me but they want me to answer a lot of questions before they will help and I’m scared he might get arrested again.

I know I’ve let my children down. I know I should leave. I know I need to be strong to get through this. But I am tired and scared and alone. I also haven’t been perfect and have made a lot of mistakes along the way.

Thank you for listening!

Sorry - this is just a lovely question, thank you. I suppose I just need someone to tell me I’m doing the right thing and it will be ok the other end 🙏

Thank you. I do still have my Mum - she is great for practical support with the boys, but not great with emotional support. She felt sorry for him that he’d been arrested..

We’ll be here - it sounds as though you are doing well! Your solicitor sounds great & has the measure of him!

keep posting! 💐

A few typos and misspelling- can’t figure out how to edit!

You're doing the right thing.

It's going to be hard for a while, but no harder than living with abuse and what that does to you over time. You have strength, though ig may not feel like it.

You'll get through this 💪

Hi Pine I’m so sorry you’ve had such a terrible time.

It’s great to see that you are now able to make a plan and that when you’ve reached out for some help there are now people around you, including the police, who are clear with you that his behaviour is completely unacceptable (and not lawful these days) and there are no excuses.

Try not to be affected by anyone who minimises his behaviour, even your dear mum. There’s no two ways about it, it’s his own responsibility that he was arrested - if he didn’t want to be arrested, all he had to do is not harm you and abuse you.

You can do this, I’m sure that by this point it’s hard to believe that you will find peace and joy in the future but you will.

I feel so wretched. This is pain like I’ve never felt. I’ve been hit by a sledgehammer of grief in my chest. Meanwhile he has pulled away, has reconnected with an ex but then lied about to - not sure if anything happened. He is also messaging someone on telegram (I saw over his shoulder a big heart) but he looked me in the eye and told me I hadn’t seen it. He still tries to get intimate with me sometimes but then others has told me he’s ’having revelations’ about how awful it was with me and that he is over me because I am driving the divorce and he’s had years to get his head around it. My children are suffering and I have let them down so badly. I am moving out but he’s going after me for money. I won’t know if I am strong enough to keep going. I feel heartbroken and confused. He’s also had telegram for a while now thinking about it but I’ve never really known what it was. He said he uses it for secure messaging at work when the server goes down. But I downloaded it on my phone and it says he has settings for messages to self destruct within one day.

Stay strong OP and see this through now. Do it for the kids.