Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grabbed wrist hard leaving marks

65 replies

Greyday2 · 13/02/2018 20:52

I had my baby in carrier on my chest and by 3 year old son was next to me. I’d called after him in a way he didn’t like to he grabbed my wrist hard and called me a cunt so angrily that I had marks on my wrist the next day and soreness. I told him to leave because in that instant it seemed like the only thing I could do. He stated away that night and then came back if his own volition. I don’t know how I feel- or if I overreacted?

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 13/02/2018 20:53

You absolutely did not overreact.

Original poster
Greyday2 · 13/02/2018 21:06

We have an autistic child and I have a young baby and I am very stressed but he gets very upset by the way I am always nagging him and asking him to do things to help me in a tone he doesn’t like. I get literally NO child free time and my son has bad meltdowns which I have become practiced in avoiding and so I am bossy and controlling and exhausted and I know I am. The thing is my husband just makes things harder by taking it personally and angrily defending himself if I ever suggest he didn’t do something right and punishes me by not looking at me or giving me any affection or help and then I get exhausted and upset and then he tells me I need help and I’m “ unreasonable” ( his favourite way to describe me).

OP posts:
Snowydaysarehere · 13/02/2018 21:08

A solicitor would be very helpful op.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 13/02/2018 21:09

He shuts you down by saying you're nagging when you need him to parent his kids and pitch in.

He's aggressive and violent. You did not overreact based on your short post.

caringdenise009 · 13/02/2018 21:31

You are not bossy,controlling and aggressive if you are dealing in the best way you know how to deal with your autistic child. Him grabbing you and calling you a cunt is completely unacceptable. Did you discuss his behaviour at all?

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2018 21:48

He's aggressive

Next time he'll be more violent

Please don't make excuses for this because there are none. Divorce him.

Original poster
Greyday2 · 13/02/2018 21:51

No I sent him a photo of my bruised wrist but had no reply or comment. He stayed away one night and said he was going to get a flat and move out and it was the best thing for us all but then when I returned fro. A visit to my parents, he’d come back. I am the only one to have apologised for my part- I know he thinks my “behsbiour” justifies his . I was very sad when he left but I feel very uneasy about him grabbing me like that. He was spitting in my face when he called me a cunt- it was very nasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greyday2 · 13/02/2018 21:51

My “behaviour”

OP posts:
Haffiana · 13/02/2018 22:21

Do you want him back? It really doesn't matter if he was wrong, or if he behaved badly or even whose fault it was. That isn't the important question.

The question is - do you want to live with this man?

G120810 · 14/02/2018 00:38

Your always wrong never him and he won't see he's done anything wrong I would leave him he's already put his hands on you it will only get worse your doing everything on ure own anyway

RosemaryHoight · 14/02/2018 00:42

Oh get rid. He sounds awful.

Original poster
Greyday2 · 14/02/2018 08:36

I do feel that he’s crossed a line and the fact that this is the only touch I’ve had from him in recent weeks makes it more painful. The things which confuses me is that my son who is autistic will be so confused by not having dad there ( he goes in his bed) and my daughter is so little I worry she will hate me for it. Also my husband is a very clever, professional polite man to others who can also be very generous and funny and sweet to me. However, my valentines morning began with a “fuck you!” Shouted up at me from downstairs where he was in the kitchen with my 3 year old son because I had called down to him and not being heard I had shouted to turn the radio down ( I had by baby with me and needed him to hear me as we have lots of stairs). He is now saying it’s my choice as to whether he leaves again because it’s down to my behaviour.

OP posts:
Bananmanfan · 14/02/2018 08:42

I know my choice would be that he leaves. Your DCs do not need to witness him shouting expletives at you, never mind the escaltion to physical violence.

Lweji · 14/02/2018 08:43

Unless he is already doing his fair share, offers to do things around the house and with the children, and always talks to you in a polite and respectful way, then it looks like your problem is your husband.

He grabbed to hurt you, not just to hold (which wouldn't be great anyway), and it will only be the start. Clearly his nasty words aren't having an effect, so he needs to step it up unless you start being a nice person who doesn't challenge him.

You need to get rid now. This won't be the last time he hurts you.

Original poster
Greyday2 · 14/02/2018 08:45

I will have w very hard time managing my autistic son on my own and my baby. My son smashes things, turns taps on etc, gets very upset with transitions. My baby is breastfed and cries when my son is noisy ( most of the time). I am living in a big house with no family or friends ( who can help) nearby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greyday2 · 14/02/2018 08:47

Mind you I largely manage alone anyway and all my husband does is escalate the stress and add shouting into the chaotic mix.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/02/2018 08:51

Yes tell him to go. Ask yourself how much does he actually help

MrsBertBibby · 14/02/2018 08:52

OP I think you need to start planning for him going.

Some of what you describe will improve, the baby will get easier, for instance, but I very much doubt your husband will.

That said, yelling up and down stairs isn't great with babies and autistic kids around. We often use Messenger when we're at opposite ends of the house, although that does depend on people looking at their tech.

Original poster
Greyday2 · 14/02/2018 08:53

Then he’d tell
Me off for texting

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 14/02/2018 08:54

Tell him to get out

I’ve been in your shoes OP, believe me it will get worse

Protect yourself and your children

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:57

No, you are not overreacting. I’d be asking him to leave permanent. That’s abuse in my biok

Bananmanfan · 14/02/2018 08:59

How old is your baby, op? Put yourself in charge of the situation; he doesn't get to tell you off for anything at the moment. After the way he has been behaving you will be deciding what happens next and he needs to be contrite.

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 09:00

As for if you can cope with your son on your own, you are already and you’ll prob find his behaviour will calm slightly if he’s living in a calm loving environment away from your dh

NameChange30 · 14/02/2018 09:03

This is verbal and emotional abuse.
It’s an incredibly unhealthy and damaging environment for you and your children to be living in. Do yourself and them a favour and end the relationship. Get support to help you through it, because he’s not going to make it easy for you. But it will be worth it.

Here’s some reading for you, I wonder how many things he does on this list?
Signs of emotional abuse

Lweji · 14/02/2018 09:05

You could always move near friends and family.
Do you really need to live far from them? How did that come about?

Now, for the harder part. It will make things easier for you if you report him for hurting your wrist. It will allow you to get a court order to keep him away and should help you get legal aid if you need (check if still true).
And in terms of future access to vulnerable children.

Women's Aid could also help a lot in terms of planning your exit.

He is violent and isn't likely to just go quietly. Maybe in a first instance to calm things down.