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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating man who's still on dating sites...

60 replies

notenoughbottletonight · 13/02/2018 00:04

So I've had four 24 hour dates with a bloke who's a year older than me, 33. Haven't slept together every time, only the last one but generally just stayed up talking, kissing etc. I know it's very early days as it's only been four times BUT he's been on POF tonight, constantly. He ignores my texts for hours on what's app despite saying that he would never ignore me 🙄 When he does reply the conversation can often be quite one sided, and he'll often come on and off the app without replying to me. Apart from when we might spend an hour making innuendos/sexting in the evening at which point his replies are constant.., Stupid thing here but I added him on FB and told him and he still didn't confirm. He's told me tonight he likes me and wants to spend time with me as I've made it clear I'm not just in it for the sex. The few times I've met him I've had a really good vibe and even declared to my friends after the third time that I had a good feeling about this one. we've gone out in public for meals etc and he even offered to come and watch the new fifty shades with me. We seem to get on really well. He does seem a bit young and still lives with his parents, has no kids whereas I have three. I've asked him round a few times and he always says he'll see.

So am I expecting too much given it's early days? I asked him outright earlier if he was seeing anyone else and he said no but 🙄 Or am I wasting my time with him? He asked to take me out on valentines (cringe) which I've agreed to but he does seem to struggle to come up with ideas and I've had to decide nigh on every time.

So do I just bunk him off now or go on this valentines date? Or am I just being a bit too precious?!

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 13/02/2018 00:16

If he’s making you feel this insecure this early on then I would sack it off. It will only get worse
It doesn’t really matter why, or if you’re being this and he’s being that.
You have to be comfortable and secure and this sounds a million miles from that.
Forget the curry, get a takeaway and feel thankful you’re not going to end up with him

Gemini69 · 13/02/2018 00:24

sounds like he's still Fishing lovely Flowers

esk1mo · 13/02/2018 00:26

what are you getting out of this? he sounds shit.

i recently listened to two books: Why Men Love Bitches and Fuck Him: Nice Girls Always Finish Single, i recommend them. you dont need to put up with a guy like this

Masterbuilders · 13/02/2018 00:28

He doesn’t sound that into you. Only when sex/sexting is on the table. He’s fishing.

A 33 year old whose not even left home may not be ready for such a large commitment. 3 children, independent woman. He’s not at that stage yet, he sounds immature.

dirtybadger · 13/02/2018 00:29

I think still using POF after 4 dates in fine. Its a bit early to commit.

But the rest is ringing alarm bells. I'd move on. And I would also cool contact with people in future. Too much contact too soon and rush things before theyre ready (IMO).

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 00:31

How quick would people expect someone to come off a dating site then as four dates seems rather quick to me? So are they suppose to come off after the first date?

dirtybadger · 13/02/2018 00:33

I wouldnt expect someone to come off a site until they were no longer single. Which could be a few weeks for people who like to move faster and be exclusive early, or quite a few months if not.

I would be put off by anyone being on the dating site constantly though....

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 00:34

Sounds like a waste of time , when a man is into you he doesn't leave you hanging for hours before replying , go onto a dating site and ignore your friend request, move on and hold out for longer next time (until you know for sure they are absolutely invested) .

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 00:35

Yeh I think they should come off when it's exclusive which this isn't and your both still single so I can't see the issue.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 00:37

The issue is the OP is having her time wasted by someone who clearly isn't ready to commit to her when she seems inclined to do that .

🙄 Honestly

G120810 · 13/02/2018 00:38

He's single so can still go on the site why are you checking to see if he's on it it's only been 4 dates if he was just into sex he wouldn't still be hanging around he's taking u out for valentine's ask him what is happening between use what he sees in future

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 00:42

Honestly OP don't listen to these people who try and make you feel like you should accept this behaviour , it will only waste your time.
When a man is really interested, he doesn't ignore a woman for hours and then go online to a dating site for hours too. It just doesn't happen . These are the early days , he should be pulling out the stops to impress imo

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 00:46

But the op is focusing mainly on him still being on the dating site. I actually think it's really full on to say he should come off after only 4 dates. He's still single. No one has committed. Also I would be abit wary of someone adding me on fb I've only been on 4 dates with. The op comes across as abit full on to me. The other stuff like ignoring isn't ok but focus on that rather than whether a single man is still on a dating site.

Masterbuilders · 13/02/2018 00:49

I think people have missed half the opening post tbh. I would personally say unless you’ve had the whole exclusive chat thing or whatever. It is too early maybe to come off if you’re still early dating. Yes, but that’s not the main point is it?

It’s the fact one minute he’s already putting you on a pedestal and then kicking it from under your feet. Saying he’d never ignore you, then ignoring you for browsing dating sites, unless the messages are sexual then it’s non stop and he can find the time.

You’re cringing about valentines. It’s just not good really. It’s like he is after one thing which is why you may have felt the need to clarify to him you’re not. Maybe you feel this way deep down. I really wouldn’t waste your time tbh.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 00:55

Ok @dancingfairy so you'd sleep with someone after 4 dates, that's ok, but would think twice before adding them on Facebook...interesting view point Confused

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 00:59

I wouldn't sleep with someone after 4 dates so that's not really relevant. Men will sleep with someone after 4 minutes, some people don't really like adding people to their Facebook. I'm one of them.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 01:01

And if the op seen him on pof it means she's still on there herself. Double standards springs to mind.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 01:05

You advised the op she is full on by adding him on Facebook when she has already slept with him though?

The op could have just received a notification and realised that his profile is continuously active ? why do people want to defend such clear "not great" behaviour I'll never know 🤦🏻‍♀️

adayatthebeach · 13/02/2018 01:38

Does it say on POF what he is looking for? Just dating or a relationship? Does he want kids? He’s not the only fish like your not the only fish. I think a lot of men use those sites just to add notches on their belts and may stay logged on just to see which women want to talk to them. I’m not sure POF is a great idea for women looking for a serious relationship. I googled POF and reviews. After reading the reviews from men it’s a big draw for men just looking to hook up. I wish you the best. I was divorced once with a child so I know how lonely it can be. Flowers

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 13/02/2018 02:11

I think your being a bit full on too soon 4 dates Dosent make you exclusive it's still very early days and I wouldn't expect and I personally wouldn't deactivate pof account when I'm still technically single "dating". You must be looking on pof yourself to know that he's active and he could be potentially see that your online too and have the same thoughts, same goes with looking on whatsapp too see when last active your going to drive yourself nuts if you keep checking girl. from what you describe of him he sounds like he's keeping his options open and comes across like he's not necessarily rushed to drive in, which only after 4 dates of consider normal if you have a feeling deep down this ain't for me go with it and trust your judgement also if you really want to know at this point where you stand etc just put your cards on the table and have the discussion of is thing going anywhere positive or is this what it is, if hes hesitent in any way and cant give you a clear answer and avoids the conversation that generally answers yours from then on you decide x

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2018 06:58

You have got to slow down, it’s only 4 dates & he’s still technically single. You sound over invested already.

LilaBlue · 13/02/2018 07:07

Oh no. Red flags for me with most of your post, the FB one is waving right at you.

I'd cool it.

Winteriscoming18 · 13/02/2018 07:12

I think he wants no strings attached and sounds like he’s just after abit of fun rather than a relationship. He lives with his parents so doesn’t have many responsibilities in the same way you have three kids. I don’t think POF is the best way to find a serious relationship.

minmooch · 13/02/2018 07:25

4 dates in and all this angst.

The right person for you should make you feel bloody brilliant from the off.

WhatsApp is a nightmare. If you looked at my profile you'd say I'm on it all day, every day and if you sent me a message I likely wouldn't read it for hours - but then I use it for work so not for social stuff.

It would seem he's not as in to you as you are to him. Back off and see what happens. If he likes you he'll make the effort. If he doesn't well there's your answer.

Grow a thick skin - old is hard!

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 07:34

Living at home with his parents...nah that's lame IMO. I wouldn't!

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