Crush at the school gates

[Tomatojuiceisyum]

Hi I feel very silly posting here as it's all quite teenagery...but, I have this crush on a dad from school. We've been friends for a long time, our spouses are friends, our kids are too, it's all very lovely but lately there is just something there between us that won't go away. Absolutely nothing has happened between us to clarify, we just love hanging out together but you know when you can feel something has changed? Why do I keep wanting to kiss him? I don't want to put our marriages or friendships at risk at all. So question, can you have a crush on someone you have to see almost daily and just carry on being friends? Tips on how to make the crush go away??

Thanks so much x

I don't know why a pp says those of us who are warning are holier than thou. It's a fundamental misunderstanding about what is being said.

It reminds me of my teenagers who, when I was teaching them to cook and told them which saucepan to use for a given task, took offence. (or my 27you son who this Christmas decided we were going to cook Christmas dinner together

took offence when I warned to be careful of escaping steam that would burn).

Ie those of us with experience warning of the dangers and how to avoid them.

Ooh I had a great tip on this one via here when I had an unexpected but potentially very damaging workplace crush - if you want to cool things off, tell a story of a time you vomited. Funny is fine. Didn't think it would work, but turns out that it really cools ardour and stops all the 'presenting your best self' thing you semi-accidentally do when you really fancy someone.
Luckily, looking after kids you are rarely far from a vomit story.

Seriously, it doesn't sound like you actually want or need this. I had a very narrow escape and thank godod that I had the chance to put my energy back into open communication with DH instead of a sordid affair (because all affairs are sordid, except to the people in them), that would have ruined two marriages that were perfectly decent and just in need of a little TLC.

Godod? Thank God, that is...

Like Upsidedown, I've also been in narrow escape territory in the past (am consequently much more cautious now). The whole thing actually felt pretty traumatic at the time but was ultimately a catalyst for falling in love with DH again, improving our relationship and cementing my resolve to never get into risky territory again (which I haven't, and won't).
OP, it doesn't sound like you're that risky at the moment, if it's just staying in your head. So I'd say just watch out for any developments and be strict about not letting yourself get carried away. Should you ever need to, read and reread the threads on here by people who've been cheated on (physically and emotionally). That should do the trick if you ever start thinking of it as all romantic/fun... But as others said, if it's just a crush, just enjoy it for what it is

DevilishPJs is right.

and whatever you do 'dont' diarise these kinds of things. and I know a lot of women like to diarise. !! It doesn't matter if nothing has happened, it can really cause a lot of hurt and upset if found at any point.

Insnobs, was this a crush on one of your male friends, and after your crush disappeared were you able to be friends with him again without any weirdness? That's what I want, it's all very well distancing myself to cool things off but ultimately I just want to go back to how it was before I started losing my marbles! We all get on so well, it would be a terrible shame to lose our really good friends because of my silly thoughts.

For me you are looking for someone to say
"Go for it"
At the end of the day
You are all friends including the children, think of them as you clearly have no respect for yourself, DH or anyone else for that matter
This isn't a fantasy as your post continues! "what shall I do" REALLY!
You don't want to have an affair!!!!! Blah blah blah
You want him to make the move and he hasn't, I hope he thinks more of his wife and children!
Desperate springs to mind!

Fireflame, thank you, you've made your opinions of me perfectly clear. I expect you're hoping to get some sort of rise out of me by insulting me. Unfortunately for you the only thing you'll get from me is pity. I feel sorry for anyone that feels the need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. Also if you'd read my post then you would know I was not seeking a response from you but rather from the other lady that posted, so please kindly refrain from posting again as I do not need your opinions.

Your are absolutely correct using the word "silly" that definitely describes you
If you can't accept opinions good, bad or ugly whatever!
So not post for everyone to see

I really think alot of these responses are OTT as if OP has said " i am having an affair with my best friends husband".

OP it will fizzle out and hopefully you can become "normal" fiends again.

I understand why previous posters are warning you of stories of heartbreak however you are no where near that stage so enjoy the feelings and try to move that back toward your DH x

We had this with another couple we are friends with. Nothing ever ever came of it but me and the husband got on far better then DH and his wife did. Some years ago after a booze lunch in the pub where we two had totally dominated the conversation my husband turned to me after and said. “ I think *** really fancies you”. I knew he did and was aware that if I wanted to indulge it would be there. I preferred to keep it as a friendship. It was a bit of a shock to have DH notice.
As a couple we kind of backed off the friendship for a while but we are actually all good friends still in spite of having moved to different parts of the world.
It will pass. Anything else would be pointless and destructive. Tackle the issue between you and your husband.

This is how my husband’s affair started. Two marriages in tatters, four children affected. We were all friends. I can’t begin to describe how utterly devastating it is to be betrayed like that. I will never truly recover. Don’t be responsible for doing that to someone you love.

Don't do it.

Tomatojuiceisyum ,why not try to live each day as it comes rather to ask or wonder about whether the friendship can be saved after your becoming unavailable?
For now, why not try distancing yourself as already suggested by others, then see what happens. Who knows, you might even make new connections with other mums. As you have already heard, these crushes sometimes pass harmlessly, but sometimes they do not, and families have been wrecked as a result. My question to you is: why not take the safest option - even at the risk of losing the ‘friendship’. Why wait for the crush to really develop before you take action? By which time you may be in too deep? That you even posted the issue here is probably an indication that deep down you feel something doesn’t exactly smell right. The other guy probably feels or senses it too. This is the best time to chop off the snake!! Don’t be too quick to say it will pass because it’s not always given it will pass. Let circumstances dictate what happens after going cold turkey on him. Civil to him of course but unavailable as has already been suggested.

I notice you seem to warm up to those opinions saying .
‘It ain’t serious’ , ‘nothing to worry about ‘ , ‘it will pass’ etc.

Many people who have fallen in these matters, probably thought they were in control of things and it would pass...
Let him who stands take heed lest he falls

Advice for cooling it?

Think of the damage it could do if it did get out of hand, and keep the determination to not let it become a harmful thing.

If it uplifts you and inspires you, use the positive feelings to benefit you and your family. If jealousy, obsession or self-loathing creep in, put it firmly in its place and take a break.

He's just a fella, with a family. You like him for who he is now - with his environment and his life the way it is now. If anything happened, it would all fall apart, and not just for him either. Keep reminding yourself it's ok to have a cheeky crush, but it's not actually real.

If necessary, allow yourself fifteen minutes a day to have a little fantasy or smile to yourself, then coldly knock it on the head if he pops into your mind for the rest of the day. It's just a habit that can be broken.

And I do believe you can be friends with a former crush. I was completely in love with a teacher throughout my secondary education (that powerful overwhelming infatuation), and now we're genuinely friends. There's a hint of appreciation on each side (many years on), but nothing risky or harmful. It's just nice. Enjoy the kindness and the niceness for what it is, but don't let it mutate into anything that would damage anything or anyone. Good luck!

Please don't think that there is something between you. There isn't. Poor chap is probably oblivious. Your feelings have changed. That is all. Suppress them and get on with your lifs.

Thank you all for your helpful comments, I appreciate all the tips. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is, a mutual appreciation, and won't allow it to become any more than that. Thanks all. X

All the best