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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crush at the school gates

94 replies

Tomatojuiceisyum · 12/02/2018 11:14

Hi I feel very silly posting here as it's all quite teenagery...but, I have this crush on a dad from school. We've been friends for a long time, our spouses are friends, our kids are too, it's all very lovely but lately there is just something there between us that won't go away. Absolutely nothing has happened between us to clarify, we just love hanging out together but you know when you can feel something has changed? Why do I keep wanting to kiss him? I don't want to put our marriages or friendships at risk at all. So question, can you have a crush on someone you have to see almost daily and just carry on being friends? Tips on how to make the crush go away??

Thanks so much x

OP posts:
pollythedolly · 13/02/2018 17:04

You can't help how you feel OP. Just keep it to yourself.

springydaffs · 13/02/2018 17:13

I wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone

You already are.

See, this isn't about your sensitive feelings op. It's about a well trodden path that leads to disaster of one kind or another. You're not special. This honestly honestly is how affairs start.

I hate to say it but brace yourself. Be an adult here. What people are saying here will make sense to you ONCE it's over - you'll look back and recognise exactly what we're saying. You'll warn others in very similar language.

Your hurt feelings and self pity (sorry) are feeding into the fantasy. You're on very dodgy territory here.

MoyoGaza · 13/02/2018 17:46

you have my sympathies but @springydaffs is absolutely right. The strong medicine you are being given here is not meant to condem or vilify you. Indeed, by bringing the issue out into the open, you have shown tremendous moral courage.
However, given what'st b at stake and the potential devastating and life changing effects of an affair, I think its right and proper to go nuclear.
Please don't take offense, but accept the spirit with which advice is being offered. I'm talking from very bitter experience and I'd urge you to tread carefully. Don't be gentle with cancer - it will only grow to consume the whole body! As someone already mentioned, this is a well trodden path and you need people around you who will discourage you in the strongest of terms. Otherwise pride will get in the way and it will be down hill from then on. Cheer up OP!

Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 06:51

I’m sorry I don’t agree at all. It’s not a well trodden path unless you treat it as real and you are looking for an out - which I don’t think the OP is. I just enjoy crushes for the short time they last. I never reveal them, never treat them as real. The first time it happened with a real person I was worried like you OP, then I found that the real people ones are as short lived, fickle and as much fantasy as the film star, book character ones and pop up surprisingly with as much regularity.

As I said being happily married in a very stable relationship means the only way I’m ever going to get that early relationship romance feeling again is via a fantasy crush. It’s not something missing from my marriage - early romancing isn’t something that can be added to a decades old relationship. It’s not even something I want in real life. If dh started acting the way he did at the beginning of our relationship (poetry no less) I would think he had lost the plot (we’d probably end up shrieking with laughter to the point of being on the floor with it).

For me it’s the same as losing myself into the plot of a book or flicking through the local House paper with an imaginary budget of a million pounds. Or even a really good cup of tea. A welcome 5 minuet break from reality.

I was horrified like you OP the first time it happened with a real person - but I soon learned it meant nothing.

Give yourself a few weeks and it will be gone.

Original poster
Tomatojuiceisyum · 14/02/2018 08:10

Thank you Devil, I think you have probably hit the nail on the head. I do not want to have an affair but I do suffer from an overactive imagination. I love reading romance novels etc and yes, I do miss that intimacy and butterfly feeling. Poetry, lol! That made me laugh. Smile

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 08:19

I have a very overactive imagination as well. It’s always been a great source of pleasure. But I remember feeling like you until I worked out it wasn’t real. xx

numbereightyone · 14/02/2018 08:27

This happened at my dc's school and led to an actual affair. The consequences for those involved, especially the children could not have been more devastating had a bomb dropped on the school gate. I cannot imagine that an illicit relationship could ever be worth the fallout from that. The hurt, embarrassment, anxiety is still etched on everybody's faces.

Vitalogy · 14/02/2018 08:28

I think the lack of sex drive on DHs behalf is possibly part of the problem. Have you discussed with DH or have any idea why this might be.

springydaffs · 14/02/2018 10:26

...being happily married in a very stable relationship

I think the lack of sex drive on DHs behalf is possibly part of the problem.

These two don't line up.

It's a rare beast who can withstand the intoxicating feelings around a crush - in almost all cases it's best to steer clear.

PipGirl404 · 14/02/2018 10:31

Fucking hell the holier than thou crowd are out in FORCE on this one. Is it windy up there on your extraordinarily high horses?!

OP, it happens. Can't help having a crush but you can help keeping it in your head. Or go for it, tell him/tell your DH/do what you want - but you know yourself if it went from a crush to an affair you'd just be ruining multiple lives, so it's up to you whether you can live with the guilt or not.

PipGirl404 · 14/02/2018 10:32

Also fully agree with Devil's post.

000bourneFarm · 14/02/2018 11:07

When I read the title, I thought it's either;

a) a teenager in half term or

b) a concerned parent wanting advice on how to widen the school entrance

Ha ha, what a difference opening the book makes.

You sound normal OP.

MoyoGaza · 14/02/2018 11:07

I'm not sure exactly what you disagree with, Devilishpyjamas. Flirting, and friendships that go out of hand are the seedbed of affairs. It has happened to countless people. That is what is meant by well trodden path.
Maybe you are good at playing the "flirting game" and you know your limits, and the whole thing has become some kind of fix for you to help you ' get that early relationship romance feeling again'.
However, as anyone who has been involved in an affair, or the fallout from that, will tell you, these are very treacherous waters to swim in. We are flesh and blood, and the other man, involved might not see it as harmless flirt and might push things a little bit. How things will turn out after that is anyone's guess.
Already you can see the self justification creeping in: I think the lack of sex drive on DHs behalf is possibly part of the problem.'
You say I just enjoy crushes for the short time they last. But how do you know in her case it's just a passing thing? Is it now better to warn someone about the dangers of this thing rather than treat it as something that we can turn on and off at will. This is big - and it involves real people and feelings - not a romance novel. As I said , talking from very bitter experience, Tomatojuiceisyum, you are wise to air the issue and please don't temp fate.

MoyoGaza · 14/02/2018 11:20

PipGirl404, to warn someone against the risks of school gate crushes - from bitter experience - is not being holier than thou. It is bone out of a desire to stop family breakdowns. I don't know whether you have ever been involved in counselling, marriage counselling or the divorce court. I'm not suggesting only counsellors appreciate the risks but, If ever you have been involved first hand in the matters then of I'm sure you would have a different view. Far too many people, especially children, have suffered a great deal from relationships or situations such as the one described in this thread. It is precisely because we are human (and weak) that we need to be on the watch out. We are looking to encourage, by warning; not to be holier than thou.

yetmorecrap · 14/02/2018 13:14

I think the problem here Op is that a lot of posters on here have had or know people when marital breakdown/issues occurred as a result of crushes that turned into something else. It can be a very gradual thing , nice chats turn into coffees, turn into texting etc , all feeding those hormones that replicate ‘a new romance’ it’s very intoxicating for both sexes and hard to switch off , especially once you have been with someone over 5 years. My tip is every time you get that feeling contour up a vision of his wife doingvtge housework, picking the kids up and the reaction of your DH if you had took it further. He may well never feel the same about you. Keep your distance as much as you can, keep it totally in your head , don’t accept any invitations for coffee or texting etc and it will likely pass

MoyoGaza · 14/02/2018 13:46

Well said, yetmorecrap. Good stuff. Smile

Original poster
Tomatojuiceisyum · 14/02/2018 13:49

Thank you, that is a good tip. We don't have coffees or text unless necessary so I'm already getting that right. I can see it's a very upsetting subject for some people here and I just want to clarify once more that I do not wish to have an affair. I guess I wanted to know if whatever I'm feeling is normal, or if the mere act of thinking about someone other than my DH is classed as cheating. Virology, DH works long hours in a stressful job, we have 3 kids, don't get much sleep, he worries about money etc. So I think all those things combined might be why there is a lack of intimacy. He doesn't know it bothers me.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 14/02/2018 14:07

He doesn't know it bothers me. Must be really difficult being so busy with work and the children, for the both of you. But learnt lesson for me is if the talking a loving stops then the cracks can start to show, not just loving re sex btw.

SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 14:09

You can either 'feed' a crush or 'starve' it. At the moment you are feeding it. Stop that.

Be civil but distant with him, don't stop for chats, keep busy. Stay friendly, but distant. Don't have any contact with him on text etc.

It's a simple decision. Perhaps you need a hobby or take up some volunteering or something to keep yourself busy, because you sound bored and a bit immature.

yetmorecrap · 14/02/2018 14:36

I say this as a result of a H that ‘developed a crush’ and then turned into a bit of an obsession , he wrote it all down and was found by me years later. He is ashamed and embarrassed and I feel somewhat 70% rather than 100%, if he had kept it in his head I would have been none the wiser. We can all be ‘prone’ to these feelings but a wise person who values their marriage knows it’s sensible to kill it as much as possible and let it pass, not feed it

MrsElvis · 14/02/2018 14:48

Don't keep feeding the habit.

Change your routine whether is waiting in the car instead of the gate, turning up just as the kids are coming out etc. Be evasive , no more chatting. Force yourself to socialise with other parents, be on your phone, listen to music. Take yourself off social media if he's on there. I wouldn't just delete him, he will want to ask why.

Stop thinking about him. Whenever you catch yourself thinking of him, mentally see some metal shutters coming down and force yourself to think of times tables or something dull.
You'll just get yourself worked up otherwise and lose your marriage

Devilishpyjamas · 14/02/2018 14:49

I have distinguished from the beginning between an in the head crush that isn’t real and the start of an affair.

The OP says she doesn’t want an affair. She’s presumably not therefore going to start flirting like crazy.

So no I don’t think an in the head crush is being unfaithful anymore than a crush on Luke Skywalker is being unfaithful (I think he was one of my first crushes). Of course this assumes it remains entirely fantasy and isn’t pursued. It’s for the OP to decide whether her crush is in the Luke Skywalker camp or something much more real (& therefore problematic).

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 14/02/2018 14:52

I had exactly the same thing happen. I am in an unhappy relationship and I suppose that the friend I had a crush on seemed so kind and funny in comparison to my partner. I stayed away which was hard as he was a school dad and his wife is lovely and it would've been the worst kind of car crash. Crushes do happen and I find they are worse now that I am older! Perhaps I am just a juvenile twat

MoyoGaza · 14/02/2018 14:54

SundaysFunday and yetmorecrap - hats off to both of you. You speak sense. You might not be aware but you are doing immense good to all of us here. Well done folks and thank you for your exhortations.

MoyoGaza · 14/02/2018 15:01

MrsElvis StarStarStarStarStarStar
Great piece of advice!