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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crush at the school gates

94 replies

Tomatojuiceisyum · 12/02/2018 11:14

Hi I feel very silly posting here as it's all quite teenagery...but, I have this crush on a dad from school. We've been friends for a long time, our spouses are friends, our kids are too, it's all very lovely but lately there is just something there between us that won't go away. Absolutely nothing has happened between us to clarify, we just love hanging out together but you know when you can feel something has changed? Why do I keep wanting to kiss him? I don't want to put our marriages or friendships at risk at all. So question, can you have a crush on someone you have to see almost daily and just carry on being friends? Tips on how to make the crush go away??

Thanks so much x

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/02/2018 23:28

Oh and telling him you're attracted to him? Rocket fuel.

Hotdoggity · 12/02/2018 23:37

Try to act as you know impartial you would act, not the way you want to, because even the things you’re telling yourself are beneficial come from this new locus of feeling.

PointlessUsername · 12/02/2018 23:46

"Something like 'I think we like each other probably a bit more than we ought to"

Imagine saying that and his response is errm no, i like you as a friend, you are mistaken and he tells his wife.

I would leave well alone. Say nothing and do nothing.

fireflame · 12/02/2018 23:47

Better still why don't you tell DH how you feel! Guessing that hasn't even entered your head. Think about the humiliation for many before you act!
Concentrate on your own life and stop behaving like a silly school girl
I believe you are bored and looking for a little excitement in your little
I have done the school run many times and sure to hell my concentration was on the children not getting over friendly with Dads at the school gates!
Don't even think about it, will end in tears.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/02/2018 23:49

Are you actually insane op. The only reason you want to tell him is because you want to know if he feels the same.

G120810 · 13/02/2018 01:43

How do u know he feels the same your obviously getting his opinions on things and maybe like the attention as u said ure not getting much intimacy at home maybe fix this with your husband and I'll stop crushing on other people I would not tell this man then he tells wife and then husband finds out about it and turns out the guy isn't interested in u and it would be very awkward around school but u can't completely ignore say hi and stand with someone else just try not get a crush on them

ferrier · 13/02/2018 08:30

Nothing unusual or childlike about having a crush. But in my opinion the issue is not the crush but your relationship with your dh. If you don't fix that then you will continue to get crushes. So yes, heart to heart with dh, but don't tell him about the crush.

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2018 08:41

I think you’ve summed up the issue up OP in one of your earlier posts.

I think the lack of sex drive on DHs behalf is possibly part of the problem

I think that’s totally the problem. If you had a fulfilling & frequent sex life, you wouldn’t even be looking.

I think you need to talk to your DH & get out of the relationship if it’s not working. Whatever you do, don’t start an affair or say anything to the other man. You could make yourself look like a right dick.

You aren’t the first & certainly won’t be the last to start looking, when you’re not getting what you want. Just don’t ruin other people’s lives.

ShiftyMcGifty · 13/02/2018 08:43

Tell his wife and both of them won’t be able to get away from you fast enough.

MincemeatTart · 13/02/2018 08:50

Meet up with his wife several times, build the femal friendship. Much harder to hurt a friend.
What you are doing is wrong. Very wrong. You risk hurting so many people, yourself included.
You can avoid it going any further just stop the silly flirting and teenage giggles. Be busy, be adult, talk in a group. Avoid one to one time.

Devilishpyjamas · 13/02/2018 08:52

Know it’s a fantasy and enjoy it. It’ll go. Do not say anything to anyone. Do no do anything.

greendale17 · 13/02/2018 08:52

How can you feel like this knowing he has a wife. Have some self respect op.

^This

OwlBeBack · 13/02/2018 08:53

Imagine him picking his feet, wiping his arse or farting.

Generally helps to take someone down from the fantasy pedestal you’ve put them on.

Devilishpyjamas · 13/02/2018 08:55

If it lasts more than a few weeks/a month then start looking at your marriage but I think crushes are fairly normal. Nothing wrong with that as long as they stay in your head.

If your marriage needs work then deal with that, the crushes may go away they may not - if you spend decades with someone it’s not that weird to have crushes.

Just never ever do or say anything.

Slartybartfast · 13/02/2018 08:59

god, no , dont tell anyone.
you will get over it.
imagine him cutting his toe nails or something.
are you approaching a significant birthday?
bored?

Original poster
Tomatojuiceisyum · 13/02/2018 09:14

Thank you all for the tips, especially the imagining him doing something gross! I am not approaching a significant birthday or bored. Just spend too much time with a friend who's very kind to me and possibly reading too much into his kindness. I wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone. And for what it's worth, I know you all have your opinions about me, but I am a very devoted mum and do not neglect my family in any way regardless of what's going on in my head.

OP posts:
claraschu · 13/02/2018 09:24

I agree with TheNaze- try to work on your marriage, and figure out what is lacking there

Devilishpyjamas · 13/02/2018 09:34

It doesn’t have to be anything lacking. A crush is just a fantasy. I’ve had crushes on film characters, book characters and ‘real’ people (although they’re not ‘real’ are they if you recognise you are not available).

I’ve come to think it’s just the brain filling the romance gap (which tends to go with new relationships) after years and years of a very happy, stable marriage (so no chance of an actual romantic fling).

Of course if a crush is the first stage to an affair then that is something different - but it certainly doesn’t have to be - it can just be a fantasy story.

Cricrichan · 13/02/2018 09:45

It's so normal to have crushes.

If all's well with your husband, then spend time with his wife rather than him. Open up about your marital problems to her and she might do the same. I think the reason why I never fancy my friends' husbands is because I know exactly what they're like behind closed doors!

But if there are problems in your marriage then see how you can address them and if they can't be resolved, then split and you'll be free to find an available man.

Hotdoggity · 13/02/2018 10:11

I get crushes when I want to feel recognised. I need external validation a bit too much. It’s okay, as long as I recognise the pattern of behaviour - and remember that anyone - anyone- after a decade with them, loses their lustre because that’s people.

Blazeandthemummy · 13/02/2018 10:19

If you only see him at the school gates I dont think you have anything to to worry about.

Most people get crushes . If it brightens your day and you are aware then try to use the energy back toward your DH and sort these problems.

If you were messaging him 24 hours a day and meeting up for coffee etc then I would start to worry but honestly its not a big deal.

I have more male friends at work as I work in a very competitive and back stabbing environment and most of the women are utterly horrible to each other whereas the men I find much easier to work with so I get where you are coming from.

yetmorecrap · 13/02/2018 10:30

Perfectly ok to fancy someone, just keep it in your head and not words or actions

MoyoGaza · 13/02/2018 15:08

‘...and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.’
Have you thought of introducing him to your DH? That might just do the trick. Just say this is a fellow parent - I thought you two might get on.
If you have problems with DH, sort them out first, don’t use the security and comfort of your home & marriage to scan the environment for better options. Work on your marriage and stop looking for an easy if scandalous way out. Be an example for your children and conduct your life with dignity.

Original poster
Tomatojuiceisyum · 13/02/2018 16:42

We are all friends, and have been for a long time, we go way back. So I do not need to introduce him to DH, they are very well acquainted. He's not just some random dad, that's why the distancing thing might prove tricky. But I will manage I'm sure, I am not the root of all evil. I came here asking for helpful suggestions as how to stop the crush, not made to feel worse than I already do.

OP posts:
ovendoor · 13/02/2018 17:00

Totally normal to fancy someone, you're only human. Just don't act upon it, whatever way you look at it, should you tell him/your DH/his DW you'll potentially cause a world of upset and, likely destroy a very good friendship.

Can you organise some ways to re-connect with DH?