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Original poster

Am I a sanctimonious harridan who needs to chill out, or is this a bit ew?

52 replies

PinotMwah · 11/02/2018 21:26

I have been doing OD on and off for about 18 months after the breakdown of my marriage. Am pretty thick-skinned about it and have not taken it too seriously and haven't met anyone who has been a serious contender yet -- a couple of 2-4 month things which could have gone somewhere but didn't, a few other dates. All good, not so clean fun and no-one has been hurt.

I think it has toughened me up a bit which I don't think is a bad thing and made my bullshitometer very over-sensitive and I'm now pretty much on a one-strike-and-you're-out approach with it.

Something happened over the weekend which has made me wonder whether I'm over-fussy or if I've got the balance right: got chatting to a nice-sounding, nice-looking bloke who appears solvent and sane. So far so good. He sent me a couple of slightly sleazy-sounding "what are you wearing?" messages last week. Bear in mind I haven't met him yet. I was a bit hmmm but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then again over the weekend he has been messaging asking me what I would wear on our first date, what kind of heels etc. I kind of dodged this a bit and when he pushed it just sent a rather curt message saying I wasn't up for providing free titillation to someone who I hadn't met. Needless to say he has evaporated, which is fine with me.

Am I being a really bad sport? Or is it bad form to be sending borderline pervy messages to someone before you've been on a first date? I worry that I've become too cynical sometimes but I am really turned off by the idea that I would be providing digital wank fodder to someone I have never clapped eyes upon... But maybe I need to lighten up :)

Curious to know what others think...

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 11/02/2018 21:27

Creepy.

lecossaise · 11/02/2018 21:28

Sounds like a creep to me.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 11/02/2018 21:28

Nope, I think you are doing ok.

LizzieSiddal · 11/02/2018 21:29

Of course you’re not being a “bad sport”.

He sounds a perv, only after one thing and you did exactly the right thing!

Don’t doubt yourself!

Grunkle · 11/02/2018 21:29

I'd have fucked him off for sure.

In my experience the ones who try to talk dirty early on, especially before meeting, are the most disappointing. Particularly in bed. So no point chatting after that red flag.

Soozikinzii · 11/02/2018 21:30

Think your instincts served you well There

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2018 21:31

Ugh. Your boundaries are fine, OP!

AdalindSchade · 11/02/2018 21:33

You're absolutely right. Sexual chat before firsts date means either there won't be a first date and never would have been, or he'll be a massive let down in person. Just never do it.

orangetriangle · 11/02/2018 21:34

red flag :0

Original poster
PinotMwah · 11/02/2018 21:38

Thanks all.

It's easy to doubt yourself in this game: I sometimes veer towards thinking its all good fun and to go with it.

But I can't escape the feeling that someone who is getting jollies out of messaging stuff to a person they haven't met is probably either a perv or rubbish in bed (or married).

Good to know my instincts are still firing!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2018 21:39

Grunkle I have found this too, the ones that talk dirty are disappointing in bed.

He does sound creepy, I once went on a date with someone and after one date he started sending me photos of underwear he had bought me, I played along and wound him op by saying ‘not really my colour, it will clash with my eyes’ Grin he was a total creep, there are quite a few of them sadly.

Strongvegetables · 11/02/2018 21:42

Jesus ! Don’t ignore your spideysenses. Every time I was encouraged to ignore mine or made to believe I was being paranoid I was always proved right.

Your bullshitometer Is spot on

Original poster
PinotMwah · 11/02/2018 21:42

Grunkle yes -- its like they over-compensate digitally for the fact that they are incapable of doing it in real life.

Even if you did have massive sexual problems, though, you'd think common sense and etiquette would put you off doing that to a woman you actually wanted to take out.

As you say, though, maybe he's just one of these people who gets a kick out of sending pervy messages into the ether and there never would have been a date.

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 11/02/2018 21:45

You’re bullshitometer is working just fine OP!

I once had a tinder match who seemed lovely at first, normal style messages about each other. I’m a GP, have kids, my hobbies blah blah. He asked me what I’d been wearing during the day while working. Of course I’d been seeing patients wearing suspenders, stockings and a stethoscope Hmm what a pillock.

Claydermansgirl · 11/02/2018 21:47

If youre sanctimonious so am I. You should have said you were gonna wear a highnecked top trousers and doc martinsGrin

How depressing

PoorYorick · 11/02/2018 21:48

If you're doubting yourself even slightly over this, your bullshit-o-meter probably isn't sensitive enough!

DrFoxtrot · 11/02/2018 21:50

I have made the terrible your you’re mistake Shock it’s been a long day...

OutyMcOutface · 11/02/2018 21:51

You really have honed your bullshot response. I'm impressed.

Angelf1sh · 11/02/2018 21:53

No you’re fine! I don’t personally think it’s terrible to have those messages before you meet, but only if you both want to and you don’t so that’s that. You don’t ever have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

windchimesabotage · 11/02/2018 21:54

youve done yourself a favour scaring him off... a decent man would have apologised for offending you and acknowledged you were uncomfortable.
Well done for getting him sussed that early!

Original poster
PinotMwah · 11/02/2018 21:54

DrFoxtrot LMAO. In response to the first batch of pervy questions about my attire, last week, I told him I was wearing a Sou Wester and waders. I thought if he had an ounce of intelligence and self-awareness he'd have read that as a cue to back off and stop talking to me like someone working on a sex chat line. Totally went over his head.

Looking back, that should have been the point to have pulled the plug.

Ah well. Next!

OP posts:
merville · 11/02/2018 21:59

You were spot on. Responded exactly how you should to red flag. Your instincts and boundaries are good. As I read in some dating manual 'you can't control these men, the only thing you can control is how much of your time you let them waste'.
Onward to someone decent, my cousin is happily married to a bloke she met online, they're few & far between but they're there (old shouldn't be your only dating 'strategy' though, try anything & everything that appeals to you).

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/02/2018 22:02

He was a perv and he was sounding you out to see if you would go along with it. You did absolutely right to run him out of it.

JustForThisFred · 11/02/2018 22:02

He’s looking for ‘fun’, not a relationship. I have no problem with flirty or sexy messages before meeting someone, but I hate the ‘what are you wearing/what will you wear’ crap, I’m not a fucking Barbie doll. Plus, I don’t suffer fools and someone not picking up on my clues (ie ignoring the question) wouldn’t get any further

So, bullet dodged I’d say!

JustForThisFred · 11/02/2018 22:04

Crossed posted with you. Exactly. Far too thick to bother with.