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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

77 replies

Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 15:32

So, my Husband of three years does not work. I work full time and we have three teenage children.

For the last three months my Husband has started drinking regularly 4-5 times a week at the local pub. When I mean drink he usually comes back either half cut or completely drunk. At least once a week he will 'pop out for an hour' at 4pm and decide to come back at midnight banging the door as he has no key.
I do not begrudge anyone drinking, but I come home from work and he has done nothing but sit on the sofa watching YouTube all day. He does not even pick up after himself, expecting me to do it. I run the house, run all the errands, do the shopping, pay the bills, housework, make sure the kids have what they need, and walk the dogs.
I am fed up with having the same argument, he does not see a problem with his behaviour or the influence and effect it is having on our kids. Things came to a head again yesterday after he came home drunk again Friday night and passed out. We had plans together, yet he took off for the pub five minutes after I popped out, and did not bother returning until 10pm where he could barely walk. He does not see what the problem is and I am fed up with banging my head against a brick wall! I have told him he needs to go back to work, he will not budge. I have tried to kick him out and he will not go as it is his home too. I am forever walking on eggshells as he is either always drunk, hungover, moody, or all three! I have even told him I will not go out anymore with him and haven't done so in three weeks - he does not care nor does he ever apologise or show any remorse!
What on earth do I do now?

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 15:38

Leave?

BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 15:40

You can't argue with someone who is so far down the rabbit hole of pure self indulgence and self pity can you? Relationship should be about supporting each other not propping them up.

billybagpuss · 11/02/2018 15:40

He has no key, pack up his clothes into bin bags and do not let him back in.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 11/02/2018 15:43

Change the locks the next time he goes to the pub. Leave a suitcase with some of his stuff on the doorstep.

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 15:46

Sadly, I have no where to go with our kids as I cannot trust him to care for them! I have ignored the door when he bangs, he wakes the whole house up and can get pretty angry when he has had a drink and takes it out on all of us. I have tried to talk to him, screamed at him, and all I receive is the silent treatment for 3-4 days accompanied by drinking! I packed his stuff up before christmas and sent him on his way......half an hour later he stormed back in and went up to bed. Where he stayed all day!

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 11/02/2018 15:47

Stop providing him with money to drink, or kick him out. Or both.

Assuming they aren’t his children so what do they think of him?

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 15:52

I do provide him with any money. He sold his car and has a large inheritance!
Yes, they are his children. They are getting fed up of it all, and always joke 'Dad at the pub again'

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 15:53

*don't

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 11/02/2018 15:53

When you say he takes it out on you all when he is angry, is he violent?

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 15:55

Looks like he is an alcoholic. And you're paying for the privilege. Oh and providing everything for him so he doesn't need to lift a finger. Enabling it really.

I'd chuck him out to be fair. Seems you've got yourself an alcoholic cock lodger.

Out of curiousity, has he ever worked? How long have you been together in total?

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 15:56

Sorry, just saw update, you're not paying for him, I'm assuming he is contributing fifty fifty to thr home?

Crispbutty · 11/02/2018 15:58

Divorce him then. He’s an alcoholic waster. Sorry I assumed as you have only been married 3 years he was their stepdad.

Is this behaviour completely out of character if it’s only been the last 3 months? Was the inheritance due to a close bereavement? That’s the only reason I would cut him any slack but even then if he’s abusive and threatening then I would still kick him out. He can afford to go elsewhere.

ShawshanksRedemption · 11/02/2018 15:59

Drinking, anger, doing nothing, not working - is he depressed? Maybe. Why is he not working? Is it a rented house or do you own it? Whose name on the mortgage if so?

If rented you could give him an ultimatum to seek help for his drinking and attitude towards you, or you will end the tenancy and move elsewhere. If mortgage, get advice if both names on. If just yours, you could evict him or move.

You can't keep going as the situation stands.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:00

God, I was just waiting for somone to ask if he was depressed. ITs the go to thing on here. Sigh.

Tablesturned · 11/02/2018 16:03

You can divorce him and get him out that way.

Boatsonthewater · 11/02/2018 16:05

You can't tolerate this a moment longer. Give him a week's notice Tell him you want a divorce and he has a week to get somewhere sorted to live. Or rent somewhere and take the kids, then go to court to get what you are owed. This is no way to live. He is just taking the Mick.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:07

Are you all independantly wealthy and own your own home and the inheritance is used to support thr family financially and the drinking makes no difference or is he literally pissing it up against a wall?

ShawshanksRedemption · 11/02/2018 16:08

Well he could be @Bluntness, so it's worth raising it.

Even so, it's not the OP's responsibility to fix it, and I hope that was presented in my post. It's a reason for his behaviour, but not an excuse.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:09

I'd also ask if the kids further education is also supported with your inheritance, and it is all of yours.

I guess I'm trying to work out how bad this is really.

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 16:12

No, it was not a close bereavement!
We have been together eight years, and he worked full time up until two years ago when he chose to give up his job to work from home. This decision had to be his as not only did I have a bias opinion due to a previous affair with a work colleague, but if it did not make him happy I did not want it thrown back in my face. He has always been 'moody' in the respect the slightest little thing could trigger him to lose his temper and begin the silent treatment but he has never been physically violent.
I would not say he is depressed, he is bored but refuses to work even from home! No matter what I say I am banging my head against a brick wall because as far as he is concerned he is a grown adult who can do what he likes!
We have a joint mortgage, which means he legally has the right to live here! I no longer do anything for him, I got fed up with chucking meals away and picking up clothes, so I literally just do things for me and the kids now and have been sleeping downstairs for the past two weeks!

OP posts:
Tablesturned · 11/02/2018 16:14

You can still divorce. You would need legal advice about what would happen to the house/mortgage.

Cameron07 · 11/02/2018 16:14

And you are still here? He is a lazy alcoholic who is using you as a door mat, leave with the children and wake him up fast, must be great to not work and have everything done for you!

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:17

I may be confused on how you have three teenage children than are his but have only been together eight years. Was there a previous relationship with him that ended?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2018 16:18

Who had the affair with the work colleague?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what keeps you within this at all with him?. What does he bring into this apart from a lot of mess and stress which impacts upon you and your kids.

Seek legal advice re your situation and get your alcoholic H out of your day to day lives asap. Your children certainly notice where he goes and this is really no life for them either. You're simply enabling your H to carry on as he is currently.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:19

Do you mean they are his kids and not yours???