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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

77 replies

Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 15:32

So, my Husband of three years does not work. I work full time and we have three teenage children.

For the last three months my Husband has started drinking regularly 4-5 times a week at the local pub. When I mean drink he usually comes back either half cut or completely drunk. At least once a week he will 'pop out for an hour' at 4pm and decide to come back at midnight banging the door as he has no key.
I do not begrudge anyone drinking, but I come home from work and he has done nothing but sit on the sofa watching YouTube all day. He does not even pick up after himself, expecting me to do it. I run the house, run all the errands, do the shopping, pay the bills, housework, make sure the kids have what they need, and walk the dogs.
I am fed up with having the same argument, he does not see a problem with his behaviour or the influence and effect it is having on our kids. Things came to a head again yesterday after he came home drunk again Friday night and passed out. We had plans together, yet he took off for the pub five minutes after I popped out, and did not bother returning until 10pm where he could barely walk. He does not see what the problem is and I am fed up with banging my head against a brick wall! I have told him he needs to go back to work, he will not budge. I have tried to kick him out and he will not go as it is his home too. I am forever walking on eggshells as he is either always drunk, hungover, moody, or all three! I have even told him I will not go out anymore with him and haven't done so in three weeks - he does not care nor does he ever apologise or show any remorse!
What on earth do I do now?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/02/2018 22:28

Ah, just get on with filing for divorce. The sooner you start the sooner it will be finished.

Offred · 11/02/2018 22:31

You can force him to be responsible though...

By divorcing him...

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 11/02/2018 22:38

First thing tomorrow I will be scheduling an appointment asap with a Solicitor, followed by a Doctors appointment. I am both physically and mentally exhausted!

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 11/02/2018 22:53

If you lock him out and he kicks off, call the police.

SuperTimbs · 12/02/2018 06:26

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete waste of space! He clearly has no respect for you and I think you should end things asap.

DownTownAbbey · 12/02/2018 06:44

I can't believe you're paying all the mortgage whilst he has 'his' inheritance and it's 'his' house too. Madness!

As you are married his inheritance is a joint asset. Hopefully your solicitor will point out you're being robbed as well as misused.

You seem nervous of upsetting him. Maybe a chat with Women's Aid wouldn't go amiss?

squiglet111 · 12/02/2018 06:56

So he's living in the house mortgage and bill free and has his name on half of it. So if you do finally divorce him he will be entitled to half of the house? That's not right, he could force you to sell the house that he hasn't contributed to.

He shouldn't be pissing his inheritance up the wall, he should buy himself a little flat so he can go and drink himself to death without causing you and your family and pain and stress.

If he's got a substantial amount of money left now you'd probably be entitled to half in a divorce. Do it now before he spends it all, at least it can go towards the money to buy him out your house

Fosterdog123 · 12/02/2018 07:02

Make that appointment this morning, do it first thing. Get the appointment asap and take the first step towards shedding this useless man from your life. He really doesn't appear to have any redeeming features at all.

DukeOfBurgundy · 12/02/2018 08:32

He wanted to get married again....that was a no also!

Are you not currently married?

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 12/02/2018 09:28

I am nervous about upsetting him, he can be very nasty verbally and when he does not get his own way he starts insulting me personally! I am a fat c**t (I am a small size 8!), I am an embarrassment, he wished he never married me etc. I only have to look at him the wrong way and it sparks a mood. Most people in a mood will have their say and get on with it. His lasts anywhere between 3-6 days and in that time it is either silent treatment or speaking at me like I am dirt which causes an enormous amount of pressure.
I have schedueled an appointment tomorrow at 11am, earliest available sadly. I feel utterly broken!

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 12/02/2018 09:28

Yes we are married!

OP posts:
tumblrpigeon · 12/02/2018 10:13

Good luck with the appointments. Things can only get better.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/02/2018 10:14

So why would he want to get married again if you are already married.
He is an abusive arsehole. I completely get the keeping quiet for an easier life op.
It's hideous walking on egg shells and knowing your are letting someone disrespect you so horribly but fearing the fall out if you try and defend yourself or ask for better.
I also get the not accepting ant help because of the expected gratitude. It's easier just to do it yourself isn't it.
I'm so glad you have booked a legal appointment. You need to get yourself and your children out of this extremely damaging and volatile relationship asap.

Boatsonthewater · 12/02/2018 10:21

Good luck. I hope you find the courage to get away from this situation, he sounds really awful. To be abusing you verbally, expecting gratitude etc when he's a lazy arse, is really a bit rich.

KarmaStar · 12/02/2018 10:36

Hi OP
You can't go on like this.
Do as pp suggests,when he goes out change the locks,have a locksmith on standby if at all possible.when he gets home and kicks off call the police.he will be arrested for breach of the peace or to prevent a further breach of the peace.explain how volatile he is,though he will probably helpfully be giving a good example of such.
He will be gone for the night.when he is sober and returns don't allow him in.stay strong.tell him to take his suitcase and leave.If he kicks off again call the police.he will get the message eventually.when he has a new address serve divorce papers.

billybagpuss · 12/02/2018 11:27

Hope the meeting is going well and you come out with a decent action plan. x

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 12/02/2018 11:41

Thank you all so much. With no support network you really have helped and I cannot express my gratitude enough!
He wanted to get married again to 'keep up appearances' so to speak. He likes family and what few friends we have to think we are 'perfect'! Also because he 'loves me so much' - when he wants something or sex that is!
I do stick up for myself which is why I am in this position. It is no way to live and it is like Groundhog day having the same row and silent treatment every single week.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2018 11:43

I'm not surprised you feel broken.
This is an awful situation for you.
Please do contact Al-Anon as well.
They can help and support you through this.
I hope your appointment went well.
I'd also contact a few local estate agents and get them round to value the house.
And please don't sell yourself or your DC short.
Take him for what he owes you.

Worldsworstcook · 12/02/2018 11:53

Don't know what to say op except to ask how he is when he's not drinking? I'm with you there!

I hope everything works out for you,

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 12/02/2018 11:56

When he is not drinking he can be so kind and loving, but still everything is about him. He will demand my attention and state that I do not love him if I do not do what he wants! However, his moods are still as deadly whether he drinks or not.
I have my appointnent tomorrow so fingers crossed!

OP posts:
Fosterdog123 · 12/02/2018 12:18

Well done OP. Tomorrow will be a milestone for you and the frst step towards your freedom. Bide your time and stay safe. Keep posting on here, as you'll get lots of practical and moral support.

Original poster
Desperatehousewife18 · 12/02/2018 12:55

Thank you so much, tomorrow can not come soon enough - I am keeping my fingers crossed for that light at the end of the tunnel to appear.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 13/02/2018 08:21

Good luck today x

Sarahjconnor · 13/02/2018 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 13/02/2018 09:54

Desperate you should feel good about the decision you have taken. Really. By divorcing your H you will be showing your DC that they don't have to put up with being treated like dirt and taken advantage of.

I am divorcing my H at the moment - he is an alcoholic too, but apart from one occasion (after which I had him removed by the police and not taken him back) he hasn't been abusive. I just had the not doing housework, not parenting, drinking, walking on eggshells. And he worked and brought in an income. Your situation is so much worse. If I can divorce mine and feel I did the right thing, so can you. In spades.