Am I being unreasonable?

[Desperatehousewife18]

So, my Husband of three years does not work. I work full time and we have three teenage children.

For the last three months my Husband has started drinking regularly 4-5 times a week at the local pub. When I mean drink he usually comes back either half cut or completely drunk. At least once a week he will 'pop out for an hour' at 4pm and decide to come back at midnight banging the door as he has no key.
I do not begrudge anyone drinking, but I come home from work and he has done nothing but sit on the sofa watching YouTube all day. He does not even pick up after himself, expecting me to do it. I run the house, run all the errands, do the shopping, pay the bills, housework, make sure the kids have what they need, and walk the dogs.
I am fed up with having the same argument, he does not see a problem with his behaviour or the influence and effect it is having on our kids. Things came to a head again yesterday after he came home drunk again Friday night and passed out. We had plans together, yet he took off for the pub five minutes after I popped out, and did not bother returning until 10pm where he could barely walk. He does not see what the problem is and I am fed up with banging my head against a brick wall! I have told him he needs to go back to work, he will not budge. I have tried to kick him out and he will not go as it is his home too. I am forever walking on eggshells as he is either always drunk, hungover, moody, or all three! I have even told him I will not go out anymore with him and haven't done so in three weeks - he does not care nor does he ever apologise or show any remorse!
What on earth do I do now?

Start the divorce proceedings.

What else can you do?
You've tried and tried talking to him, not doing any difference.
You've tried kicking him out but that hasn't worked either. And as you say, its a joint mortgage.

Your not getting anywhere with this loser, so I'd start the divorce. It might wake him up a little and make him change, if it doesnt then go through with the divorce.

Don't think its a coincidence, a year after marriage he decides to work from home then not work at all by the way

It was him that had the affair at work with a colleague!
Yes, we were together when we were younger and parted ways for a while when the children were younger due to him again, not helping!
At this moment in time he brings nothing to our marriage, or our family. There is an apparent divide in the house, us and him! Like I said to him, if he left tomorrow I would have nothing to miss as he does nothing for me or to help me. I was struck down with pneumonia last year, and he helped by going to the pub again and again!
How do men find this acceptable behaviour?
Sadly, it seems you are right and divorce is my only option!

When he's at the pub get the locks changed and his bags outside.
It's the best advice you've had on here from PP.
Keep the door locked so he can't get in and go up to bed. If he starts becoming threatening and intimidating, or even shouting outside then contact the police.

Thank you, and thank you all for reassuring me that I am not being unreasonable as he has stated.
Trip to the Solicitors for me tomorrow :-/

I agree with everything looselips has said. This is no way for you and the children to live. It sounds absolutely awful. I would lock him out, put all his things on the doorstep and let him know you are starting divorce proceedings. And ring the police if he gets nasty. I’ve been in a similar situation and the relief I felt when I left was immense!
Good luck. You deserve far better!

I am so sorry to hear that! If you do not mind me asking how did you get through it all? I am exhausted constantly, and dropping weight week by week?
Will the police help though as there seems t9 be reluctance to intervene in domestic disputes?

I would get legal advice before you lock him out.

So he’s basically always been a lazy piss taking arse. Get rid and don’t go back to him again.

Yes, they will remove one party from the house usually.

What on earth do I do now?

You tell him to go and get the locks changed as soon as you legally can.

Crikey. How have you stood this for so long? Yes, he’s an adult and can do what he likes but you’re an adult too and you don’t have to live with this disgusting behaviour. What are you getting out of this? Nothing. Your life will be much easier and simpler if you live away from him. Leave him to do what he wants and move on with your life. Why don’t you find a nearby house/flat to rent for 6 months with enough bedrooms for your kids. Then move precious/personal stuff and serve him with divorce papers. He can then either buy you out or the courts will force a sale. He doesn’t just get to live there forever without do something. The best way to force it is to go see a family solicitor and get yourself informed. It honestly sounds like he’s checked out of the marriage and probably won’t fight for you. His behaviour is forcing you to do something to end it as he’s obviously just too lazy/cowardly to do it himself.

and you are absolutely not being unreasonable and even if you were, you have a right to end a marriage if you aren’t happy. He could be Tom Hanks and treat you like a Queen...still doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. You get to choose what you want for your own life.

Thank you! I really appreciate your words ChickenMom. I am really unhappy, and sad that alcohol has changed the whole dynamic of our family, marriage, and eachother. If I am honest I don't think he wants me to leave him, he panics when he finally wakes up after a bender and I am not here, he truly believes his behaviour is acceptable and comes from a home where Mummy allowed this type of behaviour and simply did everything for him. I will be contacting a solicitor in the morning and will take it from there!

why has he never paid off the mortgage if he had the money too

Because he did not want to and it is his money, his inheritance would not have paid off the morgage. His money and in his eyes he can spend it on what he likes! Again....saying any different is like fighting a loosing battle.

Does he even contribute to the monthly expenses, pay half the mortgage?

I'm shocked this piece of work is just pissing his inheritance up against the wall and not supporting his family. Then couple in the fact he's always down the pub and clearly and alcoholic. I just don't know why you've waited so long to see a solicitor.

And he panics because he knows you and the kids will get some of his money.

Are your children both yours and your husband's?

I pay all the bills and mortgage. He pays when we go out - which is just himself presently - and any clothes etc the kids need.
I may sound in denial but part of me was hoping he would sort himself out, that after spending New Year apart he would get his act together.
Yes the children are both of ours.

I am not interested in his money, and I have made that clear. It means nothing to me!

Get an Occupational Order on the grounds of Emotional Domestic Abuse and this will order him to leave the house and stay away! From you all!!

Reluctance to be involved in domestic disputes??? Absolutely not! Not these days!!!!

If you call the NCDV they will hire a Solicitor for you and will get you an Occupational Order within 48 hours! He will not know about it until it's served on him

I can\t understand why you seem to be making excuses for him. it's disgusting he isn't using his inheritance to pay off a chunk of the mortgage. it's not 'his' money, it is yours as a family. What sort of person thinks it's okay to get pissed, lie around all day, expect his wife to pay all the bills and not work? How can you have an ounce of respect for him? He's disgusting. Why are you even hesitating to divorce this waste of space? I'm sorry to sound harsh, but he really sounds like he has got nothing at all going for him

Boatsonthewater, you do not sound harsh at all! I am not making excuses for him, however, I am the type of person whereby if he wants to make the decision with what he does with his inheritance that is down to him. At this point I would rather have my own self respect than have him throw it in my face he paid a chunk of our mortgage, therefore I should be eternally grateful to him!
When I look at him now I do not recognise the person he has become, and like I said I do not find his behaviour acceptable. He does, and I do not understand that at all!

I don’t think it is particularly good for your self respect to just let him off all his responsibilities TBH. He has a responsibility to share his inheritance with you and to share the housework, parenting and mortgage...

I think you feel it is not worth the battle TBH, I doubt it has anything to do with self respect.

I agree with you in the respect we shouldbe sharing the responsibilities etc. However, just like the odd occasion he does wash up if I do not show extreme gratitude it sets him off in a rant. Money wise it is self respect. I can hold my head up high knowing I am paying my way and providing for our children. By going on at him to pay money off our mortgage it will be like the washing up scenario all over again only worse. I am not letting him off responsibilities, but I literally cannot force him either. I am under no illusions where he is concerned. He wanted to try for a baby last month....that was a huge no! He wanted to get married again....that was a no also!