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Relationships

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Original poster

Buying a house together. Difficult conversations

55 replies

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 12:15

This is my first post

My DH and I plan to buy a house together this year. We've been married for 2 years, no children together yet. DH has 15 yo and 18 yo from the previous marriage. He is 42, I am 32. We both earn exactly the same money, but I have significantly more savings. I've been working very hard for the last 10 years and managed to put aside quite a lot from my income. I will be providing 2/3 of ( rather large) deposit for the house.
We are happily married and everything is well. Just like everyone else I sencerely hope to never get divorced but things happen. I am thinking about protecting what is mine in case of separation.

My question is not about legal setup, I know we can potentially buy a house where I would hold 2/3 of the assets or even sign a postnup.. I know my husband will be very upset if I suggest it. He would take it as a lack of trust in our marriage and in him personally. I dont know what to do.. from one side I don't want to cause tension and mistrust in our relationship, from another side I am worried about my future if we do indeed separate.. He sometimes says things that worries me.. for instance he mentioned that if his children would ever want to live with him as adults he would never turn them away. I asked if he means temporary, for instance for 6 months while looking for a job etc.. he said he means all the time, even if they are 30.. I do get on very well with his boys, i met my DH long after he got divorced, there is no drama, but I feel like I won't have a say in my own house.
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Squeegle · 11/02/2018 12:18

Yes, it is a tricky one, but I suppose I would be the same, and presumably you would too if one of your grown up children needed to live at home. Definitely difficult but when you take someone on you take on their children too.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/02/2018 12:19

As you're married all of your assets are joint assets. Whether they are held in savings or in property makes no difference so you may as well go ahead and by the house.

How come your dh doesn't own a property yet at 42?

KanielOutis · 11/02/2018 12:22

Is this not just part of being married? I married with significantly more assets than DH, but entered into the marriage knowing that what's mine is his.

newyearsameme80 · 11/02/2018 12:23

Protecting your additional deposit in the event of a divorce is completely different though to having a higher claim to what happens in the house while you are both living there.
If it was your future potential child, would you want to offer them a home as an adult? I’d be surprised if the dc wanted to live there anyway, is this not just your dh feeling guilty about not having them living with him while they grow up?

Smeaton · 11/02/2018 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winterwonderly · 11/02/2018 12:34

I didn't think pre or post nups were legally binding in the UK? Or are you based somewhere else?

And as a pp said, surely all your assets are shared now you're married, I don't see what difference it makes if it's money sitting in a bank or tied up in a mortgage?? Is it not all shared already anyway?

PsychedelicSheep · 11/02/2018 12:36

Protect your investment for sure. I know it’s not very romantic but it’s vitally important for women to retain some financial security, especially if you have a baby and stop working. Surely he can understand this without sulking about it ?!

ItWentInMyEye · 11/02/2018 12:39

My DP's parents generously paid our house deposit and so it was written into a legal document that they'd get that amount back if we ever split and sold the house etc. It's just sensible to protect yourself and the money you've worked hard for.

ladymelbourne1926 · 11/02/2018 12:41

As you are married your assets are all joint anyway so legally it doesn't make much difference.

Aftershock15 · 11/02/2018 12:49

Do you plan to have children together? Can you maybe phrase it that it’s worth getting everything sorted now, so that it is clear who owns what. That means if you die your assets will go to your children and his will go to all his children - so will be split between the current 2 plus any you have together. Once the assets are assigned for inheritance it would be pretty hard to suggest they should go another way in the case of divorce.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/02/2018 12:51

You earn the same but he spends and you save. Is all that extra spending is going on supporting his DC? If so, that will quite rightly continue for a few years yet.

Are you hoping to have children with him yourself? Have you discussed finances for that?

I am not sure you can protect your deposit but I think that's not your biggest problem anyway. I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he will be spending a lot of time and money supporting his DC for many years yet, even when he has DC with you. That means your total family income will likely be helping his DC and his attention will not be 100% on your new DC if you have them. If you think of it as his money and your money you are at risk of resenting his children.

flowery · 11/02/2018 12:56

”We both earn exactly the same money, but I have significantly more savings.”

Presumably it’s entirely likely you won’t always earn exactly the same money? If you have children and take some time off for maternity leave, even if you go back completely full time and on the same career trajectory, there will have been a period where he is bringing in significantly more than you. Won’t you want him to take a larger proportion of the mortgage/bills burden then?

BackInTheRoom · 11/02/2018 13:16

I'd go and see a solicitor for proper advice and I take my hat off to you too! You're so sensible OP. As much as we like to believe in unicorns and fairy dust and love and forever after, life doesn't always pan out like we'd like it to so you need to protect yourself. Good for you! 👍

winterwonderly · 11/02/2018 13:20

@Bibbidee unfortunately I'd say the opposite and that the OP seems very unwise to have entered into marriage without really understanding what that actually means financially.

strawberryrum · 11/02/2018 13:20

Yes, get a declaration of trust and a post nup. I would also keep separate finances.

On a non-legal matter - I also would probably wait until the 15 year old is 18 before moving in. If you are worried about them staying until they are 30 I think this is less likely to happen if you move when they are both legal adults. They won't view the place as their childhood home. Whilst you wouldn't turn them away if they were desperate it should only be a short term thing.
Whilst you have accepted your husbands kids to live with you whilst they are kids (under 18). You have not signed up for the prospect of your husbands adult children living with you indefinitely in a home that you will have invested the majority of money in. Your husband should be respectful of this. It is difficult enough being a step parent and having kids that aren't yours living in your house. Living with adult 'kids' and footing the bill is a different kettle of fish.

Original poster

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 13:21

Thank you for your comments.
Will try to answer questions:
-@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1- How come your dh doesn't own a property yet at 42? He does have a house, he is selling it now so we can buy a nicer more expensive house together. Even after he sells the house I would still provide 2/3 deposit
-@newyearsameme80. If it was your future potential child, would you want to offer them a home as an adult? I would absolutely help the child, just like I would be happy to help my DH’s boys but I wouldn’t encourage either my child or DH’s adult children to move back. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. And yes, you are absolutely right, my DH feels guilty for not being around them all the time.

OP posts:

NormaNameChange · 11/02/2018 13:36

Why not just provide 50% of the deposit and pay 50% of the mortgage ?

Joysmum · 11/02/2018 13:39

Get legal advice. If you’ve not been together that long and contributed more to the marital pot then things aren’t classed as jointly owned until some time had passed.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/02/2018 13:39

I'm 40 and with all due respect my mum made it very clear that her home will always be my home.
If my 24 year old needed to come home for whatever reason he would be welcome to for however long.
Yes we hope our children are independent self sufficient adults but sometimes life happens you don't stop being a parent the minute they hit 18. It wouldn't be your house it would be a shared marital home between two people, one of whom has children. If you can't accept that you shouldn't have married a man with two children.

Original poster

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 13:40

@NormaNameChange- we won’t be able to afford a house we both want if I provide only as much money as he does

OP posts:

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/02/2018 13:40

However I do agree that you need to get legalities in place to protect your greater share of the assets.

CAAKE · 11/02/2018 13:45

I agree with pp. Match his part of the deposit 50/50 and set aside the rest of your savings for a rainy day. My DH and I have a similar set up.

CAAKE · 11/02/2018 13:45

Ah. Didn't see your update.

strawberryrum · 11/02/2018 13:47

@ALittleBitConfused1 one of them is 18 though so not a child and the other will be 18 in 3 years. He is a man with adult children. This is different. Surely you can't expect her to be happy with having adult 'children' that aren't hers living in her home and probably her footing the bill.

winterwonderly · 11/02/2018 13:48

Did you make any marriage vows? Anything along the lines of all that I have I share with you??

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