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Relationships

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Original poster

Buying a house together. Difficult conversations

55 replies

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 12:15

This is my first post

My DH and I plan to buy a house together this year. We've been married for 2 years, no children together yet. DH has 15 yo and 18 yo from the previous marriage. He is 42, I am 32. We both earn exactly the same money, but I have significantly more savings. I've been working very hard for the last 10 years and managed to put aside quite a lot from my income. I will be providing 2/3 of ( rather large) deposit for the house.
We are happily married and everything is well. Just like everyone else I sencerely hope to never get divorced but things happen. I am thinking about protecting what is mine in case of separation.

My question is not about legal setup, I know we can potentially buy a house where I would hold 2/3 of the assets or even sign a postnup.. I know my husband will be very upset if I suggest it. He would take it as a lack of trust in our marriage and in him personally. I dont know what to do.. from one side I don't want to cause tension and mistrust in our relationship, from another side I am worried about my future if we do indeed separate.. He sometimes says things that worries me.. for instance he mentioned that if his children would ever want to live with him as adults he would never turn them away. I asked if he means temporary, for instance for 6 months while looking for a job etc.. he said he means all the time, even if they are 30.. I do get on very well with his boys, i met my DH long after he got divorced, there is no drama, but I feel like I won't have a say in my own house.
Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

Hissy · 11/02/2018 13:48

Deed of trust. Make sure that the money you each put in as deposit is returned to you before any equity is split 50/50 (assuming no kids)

GardenGeek · 11/02/2018 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorgeTheHamster · 11/02/2018 14:06

If you don't plan to compromise your earning capacity in the event that you have a child, you're better off financially living together without being married. Then you can have a deed of trust or own as tenants in common, your savings remain yours, and he would pay child maintenance if you split up. If you do plan to compromise your earning capacity then get legal advice. You may still be better off not marrying.

winterwonderly · 11/02/2018 14:10

But @GeorgeTheHamster they are married!! And it seems that the OP didn't realise what that meant financially when she married him

GeorgeTheHamster · 11/02/2018 15:33

Oh bugger. Sorry!

Tinkerbellx · 11/02/2018 15:47

Were in a similar situation except only 1 yr into relationship .
We do talk about the future and hope one day to buy a home together .... he has significantly more money that I because he has no children and I've raised 4 basically .
I've suggested we each put down the same which would be my max ....( approx 70000 each .... ) and take out a joint mortgage for the rest and he invests what he has left out of his house sale or puts it away .
I have a better pension than him so I've suggested he invests it there.

Talk lots .... x

fluffyrobin · 11/02/2018 16:04

Do NOT put more of your £ in the deposit, you will live to regret it if you do and you know that deep down. At the most you should equal his deposit or even less as you would have less disposable income in the future if you were to have children together.

The difference you should put in a separate account under your own name.

His adult dc may come to live with you, and you already know he would not turn them away if that happened so you must be prepared for that to happen.

If you were to have dc and they needed to live with you for a while whatever the circumstances might be you also would not turn them away, especially if you had a bigger home.

Also, should he pass away he might leave his share to his dc so therefore they might part own the property with you one day.

Save the difference in £ in your own account or otherwise you will live to regret it.

You also need to discuss the domestic /maintenance arrangements of the house whether his dc come to live with you or share the house with you all at some stage.

spugzbunny · 11/02/2018 16:08

Assuming he is paying 50% or the mortgage and the bills going forward the fairest thing is to do a deed of trust that says on the event of sale, you receive back your original deposit as does he and then the rest is split 50:50. It costs about £250 to do a deed of trust and you can ask the solicitor who deals with your house purchase to handle it for you.

strawberryrum · 11/02/2018 16:13

One thing to bear in mind is that declarations of trust, post nups, wills and separate finances are all great 'evidence' to show to the court on divorce how you both view the ownership and financial split and how you would want things to be split in a divorce situation.
However, they can only be taken into consideration. They do not 100% outline how the judge would decide to split assets. Circumstances can change. If you are going down this route ensure that such documents are continually up to date to reflect current circumstances.

CAAKE · 11/02/2018 16:14

Did you make any marriage vows? Anything along the lines of all that I have I share with you??

Well, I wouldn't have married someone who didn't respect the fact that I came to the marriage with significant assets that were accumulated over 15 years of working on my own running a successful business while he pissed about prior to meeting him. He regularly says "all that we have is because of you". It isn't, quite, because we've made good joint decisions and increased our wealth, but I know that if we were to split, beyond setting things up for the DCs, he wouldn't claim anything more than half of what we have made together since being married.

I certainly think that the OP should be able to talk about this kind of arrangement with her partner, because any decent person might understand her position and her concern.

BookHelpPlease · 11/02/2018 16:18

What would happen if he dies? Would half of the house go to his kids? I would definitely want the 2/3s ring fenced somehow.

MrsPear · 11/02/2018 16:21

Couldn’t the children try and take the house if their father died?

I would say I wouldn’t be buying a house without legal protection in your set up op

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/02/2018 16:21

I would expect her to be willing to offer a home to his children at any point they may need it. The same way I'm sure she would her own children. I didn't once say I expected her to foot the bill.
I think it's a completely separate issue to the legalities of how the op can protect her assets for the event of a break up.

fluffyrobin · 11/02/2018 16:28

Don't his dc become yours too on marriage op?

Why wouldn't you want what normal parents would want for their dc, ie to offer their home as a safety blanket should need arise?

I think your thread raises the following red flags:

Your reluctance to talk things financial with your op RED FLAG

Your anxiety about your step dc having the right to live there RED FLAG

Your hard earned savings being wiped out through divorce RED FLAG

From an outsider's point of view your dh and his dc are to benefit enormously from their association with you: a wealthy, hardworking woman with no 'baggage': better house, more financial security all round for them.

You have to remember that for most (good) parents they put their dc first and before any subsequent partner.

Your dh's loyalty will always be his dc and I don't think you have grasped the implications of that yet RED FLAG

Original poster

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 16:49

Thank you all for your messages. It was helpful

OP posts:

Winebottle · 11/02/2018 16:54

If you are married, it is a bit late for this. In divorce everything is up for grabs anyway. It can't be as easy as sticking your assets in a trusts or there would not be the large divorce settlements that there are.

I would take it as a lack of trust in the marriage. What is 66% instead of 50% between spouses? It's not like you would be broke if he got half of it. If it took you 10 years to save 66% then the difference is only a couple of years worth of saving. Unless you think the marriage is about to fail, why even bother?

Hissy · 11/02/2018 16:56

The kids don’t live with him and are 15 and 18, so seemingly unlikely to want or need to move in, if anything they’re working towards college/uni so will move away rather than in, in most likely eventualities.

Any woman with substantial savings/assets of her own is a huge steaming idiot to just go in blindly to marriage/house purchase especially if having children is potentially on the cards. Most women have their careers dented by having children, most women become the default carer of the children in the event of a separation/divorce

Many men choose to pay the bare minimum in child support, or fuck Off completely

If op has 2/3 of the cash needed to buy this house, given that over 50% of marriages fail, she would be a total idiot not to protect the capital she has worked hard to save

As would he.

It’s not red flags, it’s modern day caution, with good reason.

fluffyrobin · 11/02/2018 17:07

His dc might choose to live with him if he has a better, bigger house which, by the sound of it, he would cherish if he isn't the primary carer now.

Your dh is making it very clear that he would view the bigger house as perfect for his dc to live in hence probably wanting to go along with the idea.

Doesn't make sense to have a bigger, better house just for the 2 of you does it?

user1486915549 · 11/02/2018 18:03

I see I have been beaten to it , but my first thought was your DH wants a bigger house so he can have his children to live with him.

lalalalyra · 11/02/2018 18:29

Why do you have considerably more savings than him? It's obviously a big amount if it's the difference between a certain house or not.

Money arguments are toxic. If he's genuinely spending more on child support and 'big' things that's one thing, but if you save and he's the type to buy 3 coffees a day at Starbucks, lots of expensive hobbies and that means you end up paying for the house, any big jobs in the house, the holidays etc then you'll end up really resenting him.

Tbh saying he'd give his kids a home if they need it isn't a surprising thing and it shouldn't be a bad thing. It should have been something that was always a given. any parent would give their child a home if they needed it.

Are you likely to see more of the kids in the new house given the space/location?

Original poster

Undecidednewby · 11/02/2018 19:16

@lalalalyra- I have more savings because I started working really early and had high salary for the last 8 years. My DH started earning that much only 3 years ago. He does indeed pays child support plus all the holidays etc for his children, I don’t think he is wasting a lot of money on expensive hobbies but I am generally better with money.

It is not likely the kids will spend more time in the house as we are likely to move further away from where they are. It’s not the time they spend with us now I am worried about. I always encouraged my DH to spend as much time with them as possible, always welcomed them to our house. It is the possibility of being stuck in my own house with 25-30yo men indefinitely that worries me. I haven’t seen them growing up, I couldn’t possibly form a parental bond with them.

Also as many people here mentioned my DH’s priority will always be his children, not me. I would like to believe he wouldn’t take what is not his, but things change and people change

OP posts:

giveitfive · 11/02/2018 19:22

I think that if he is shitty about you protecting your higher investment then it's a major red flag. It's not about you not trusting him. It's about him proving he believes in being fair even if the relationship sadly ends one day in the future.

When my sister married we all begged her to prenup seeing as she was putting over 400k in to his 10k.... but no. He loved her and he would never do her wrong. 6 years later and she is penniless and alone. He was an utter cunt pretty much from as soon as he had control of her finances...

Thebluedog · 11/02/2018 19:22

It doesn’t matter if it’s in a savings account or invested in shares or a equity in a house. All assets are joint now and that’s what happens when you marry. You could suggest a post nup but in the uk they don’t stand up to much and you’d have to get your DH to agree to it in the first place.

Also with children, I’m afraid they come as part of the package. I’d be the same with my kids and tbh it shows he’s a decent father by standing by his kids throughout his life. Even if you don’t get on with them I’m afraid you’re stuck with them.

VandelayIndustries · 11/02/2018 19:35

I think you are worrying about something happening that probably would never happen. Most people in their twenties and thirties do not want to live with their parents.

He has got those children forever and ever. He’s not going to say to you or anybody else that yes, he would throw his adult children out. Why would he? How many people would say they would ‘turn away’ their offspring?

Perhaps you should get a house you can both afford and put in the same deposit.

crimsonlake · 11/02/2018 19:47

Sorry op but you must have seen them growing up? The youngest is 15 years, you have been married for 2 of those. How long were you dating before you got married? Seems to me the way forward is to purchase a less expensive house where you would both be able to go 50/50 if you are worried about the finances going forward if you were to divorce.

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