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Relationships

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Original poster

He doesn’t want to tell his ex about our relationship

66 replies

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:08

Hi, I am hoping to get some thoughts here. I met a guy and we have been together for about 3 months. He had an ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years and he left her 3 years ago but they had stayed as best friends since (this was what he told me). I was his first relationship since their split up. She had one relationship for 1 year but back to being single a year ago. He told me he couldn’t tell her about me and our relationship because he didn’t want to hurt her. He said she wanted more than just friend with him but he just wants to be friend with her. He said he wants to be with me but it is not the right time to tell her because she is going through lots hard time in her life (her daughter is not well) and she is very fragile. I asked him when he planned to tell her. He said he didn’t know but hoping and waiting for her to find another guy in her life so he could back off - he is also helping her a lot stuff like taking her car for MOT or fixing broken things in her house. I don’t feel comfortable with all these but he won’t change his mind. He said he would never turn his back on her. I don’t mind him helping her out when there is a real need but I feel he is almost still part of her life. Also I am not happy that he doesn’t know when he can tell her about me. I asked him would you let me meet her one day. He said no, that won’t be fair. What should I do? Shall I give him more time or sort it or shall I walk away? Other than this everything is going well. We are both attracted to one another and he said to me he wanted a future with me.

OP posts:

outofmydepth45 · 10/02/2018 16:10

Walk away he doesnt want a future with you, he is certainly not acting like it anyway !

He acts as her DP that needs to stop

Justmuddlingalong · 10/02/2018 16:10

After only 3 months, I'd walk away. You aren't as important to him as you ought to be.

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2018 16:12

He's talking utter crap. I bet they haven't split up if they did they're back together. Whatever the situation do you really want to be involved with someone who still acts as his ex's boyfriend?

Regularsizedrudy · 10/02/2018 16:14

He’s still with her wake up

Armygirl · 10/02/2018 16:19

Walk away. He’s not putting you first. You should be the priority not her.

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 16:23

The sentance that screams out at me is that he doesn’t want you to meet her. Ever. Why? Although your relationship is still quite young, Then to exclude you from parts of his life is wrong. I get that he still supports his ex, but as time goes on, then you should become his priority, and he should scale things back with her. The chances are there will never be a right time to mention you, and why doesn’t he mention you?

Incidentally, I presume he isn’t the dad.

RhubarbTea · 10/02/2018 16:25

Run, don't walk.

Atticusss · 10/02/2018 16:25

Are you quite certain she is he's ex?

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:27

Thank you for your responses. I really like him and don’t want to lose him by misjudging. Any ideas on what can I do to test the water?

OP posts:

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:29

No, he is not the Dad. She has two kids from previous relationship (both are teenagers), but he helped to raise them. I can’t prove anything other than what he has told me

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 16:31

He’s not the DD’s father?

I wouldn’t get attached, if I were you. After 3 months he’s not obliged to introduce you to his friends, but the on-off nature of their relationship, the pseudo- partner/best friend thing ... I don’t think it’ll get better or easier to accept. And he’s told you what he thinks.

Split up. If he’s bothered enough, he’ll have a think about his priorities and come back on a better more equal footing. If not, lucky escape.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:31

He told me he has told his parents about me and his work mates about me but I haven’t met any of them as yet. Shall I ask him to bring me to see his parents??? Do I sound crazy?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 16:31

Walk away.

It’s only been 3 months, so do it now before you invest anymore in this relationship.

He’s ‘half in & half out’ with both of you and you are both going to get hurt. Meanwhile, he’ll end up going off with a third girl leaving devastation in his wake.

He’s lying to her and you.

Move on,

calmandbright · 10/02/2018 16:32

It’s a nope from me. The dynamic of this is all wrong. You’ll end up getting hurt, I’d put money on it. You can do better!

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 16:33

You sound much more invested in this than he is.

Has he met your friends and parents?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/02/2018 16:34

Have you met any of his friends or family?

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 16:34

Maybe a bit too soon to meet the parents, but maybe drinks with his mates, especially if they knew ex. I guess if he knew her kids for seven years, he was a significant part of their life.

Bumshkawahwah · 10/02/2018 16:36

I’m not sure you can lose him as you don’t really have him. His attention and priorities are elsewhere, not on you.

You’re only 5 minutes into this relationship and he is saying, very loudly and clearly, that someone else’s needs and feelings are more important than your and that he had no intention of changing this situation.

I think you deserve a bit more than to be someone’s second-best. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Graphista · 10/02/2018 16:36

3 months and you've not met any of his "people"?

No massive red flags flying.

They're either together or at the very least he was still shagging her when you got together, after the point you believed you guys were exclusive.

Walk away.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:36

Forgot to mention one thing - he said he was scared she would self harm if he told her that he met someone else, and he’d blame himself for the rest of his life. but then he can’t understand how could she be like that as she has had one relationship since he left!!

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 16:38

You don’t sound crazy, but you’re NOT listening.

You have tested the waters and HER needs (or rather his!) came first. He’s putting her, and his needs to be there for her, above you. Which, in such a new relationship would be kind of ok, if he was open about you with her & they were just friends. But she wants to be with him and he wants not only to help her, but for her to still think there’s a possibility they could be together, or he’d tell her about you.

I don’t expect a decent bloke never to see his ex or help her out, especially if there are kids involved and he’s lived with them, but I DO expect honesty, openness & mutual respect. I would not tolerate this situation for a minute.

upsideup · 10/02/2018 16:41

Im going to go against everyone else. They have been been really close friends for 10 years, they spilt up but remained friends, she recently said she wants more but he dosnt. She is now obviously going throught a really traumatic time with her daughter being ill and is really fragile, although he dosnt want to be with her he still cares about her and dosnt want to hurt her so why would he want to tell her about his new girlfriend knwoing shes in a bad place and somthing like that would upset her.
If he wanted to be with her and not you then he would be.

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 16:44

he said he was scared she would self harm if he told her that he met someone else, and he’d blame himself for the rest of his life.

So he’s not been crystal clear with her that he’s never going to get back together with her. That’s the crux of it, for me.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 16:46

The heart wants, what the heart wants.

Her having a relationship that lasted a year means nothing if she was pining for him the whole time. He broke up with her. He’s stayed single. He’s half acting like her boyfriend. He’s acting like a shower of shite to you both, under the guise of caring about her & being the hero ex.

He needs to do the decent thing and be with her or end it properly, he’s stringing her along. He’s not being honest & he’s prolonging her misery.

Who knows if she’ll self harm or not, but what’s his plan? To half stay with her for the rest of their miserable lives?

But you can’t do much about that, except stay well out of the situation.

You should walk away. Nothing good will come out of this because even if could force him to tell her & withdraw from her, he’d come to resent you for it and you should want to be with someone who you don’t have to ‘force’ to put you first (romantically speaking, not kids etc).

You deserve more than he wants to give you.

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 16:50

Has there been any evidence that she is likely to self-harm? Has she done it before, or threatened it. Unfortunately, he will never be free of her, if he fears her reaction in everything he does, ie. having a girlfriend, moving in together, marrying, having children etc. Even though they are not together, she still has a hold over him, even if he is not aware of it.

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