Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

He doesn’t want to tell his ex about our relationship

66 replies

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:08

Hi, I am hoping to get some thoughts here. I met a guy and we have been together for about 3 months. He had an ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years and he left her 3 years ago but they had stayed as best friends since (this was what he told me). I was his first relationship since their split up. She had one relationship for 1 year but back to being single a year ago. He told me he couldn’t tell her about me and our relationship because he didn’t want to hurt her. He said she wanted more than just friend with him but he just wants to be friend with her. He said he wants to be with me but it is not the right time to tell her because she is going through lots hard time in her life (her daughter is not well) and she is very fragile. I asked him when he planned to tell her. He said he didn’t know but hoping and waiting for her to find another guy in her life so he could back off - he is also helping her a lot stuff like taking her car for MOT or fixing broken things in her house. I don’t feel comfortable with all these but he won’t change his mind. He said he would never turn his back on her. I don’t mind him helping her out when there is a real need but I feel he is almost still part of her life. Also I am not happy that he doesn’t know when he can tell her about me. I asked him would you let me meet her one day. He said no, that won’t be fair. What should I do? Shall I give him more time or sort it or shall I walk away? Other than this everything is going well. We are both attracted to one another and he said to me he wanted a future with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:51

Upsideup - what you have said was exactly the rational he told me, but I also said to him he should keep a better distance, say no to her more often when she asks for his help and drop more hints to her and he isn’t interested in a relationship with her. He told me he never gave her any signals and he hasn’t had any intimacy with her for over three years but he still cares for her. What’s hard for me is I don’t know when he will come round and decides to tell her, if all his hope is for her to find another guy

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 10/02/2018 16:51

Red Flags everywhere on this one.... He's not over her either OP

AdalindSchade · 10/02/2018 16:52

He's having half a relationship with her and doesn't want to end it so he can have a whole relationship with you.
If you insist he reduces contact with her and he agrees then you'll be with him while he grieves the relationship with her, which will doom anything you could have together. He needs to end that relationship properly before starting anything new.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/02/2018 16:54

upsideup. That’s not how I see this. They were together 7 years as a couple. HE ended it. They were ‘best friends’ for 3 years. She’s always wanted more and he’s keeping her on a string. We know noth8ng about how ill her teenage DD is, nor how ‘traumatic’ it is. ‘Too fragile to be told’ is something a lot of men like to think. Women seldom are. There are a lot of reasons he might not want to still live with her, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to be with her in some ways, a bit if have your cake & eat it too! He told myw1 she would NEVER meet his ex, does that sound right or reasonable to you? He’s not saying ‘We’ve only been together a few weeks, when we’re sure it’s somethung we both want of course I’ll tell her and you can meet her then’

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 16:56

Its fair enough for him to want to remain friends, but if you are to be part of his life also, then you can’t be a secret.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 17:00

Upsideup, what you said was exactly what he told me. I think and also said to him that he had been misleading her and giving her false hopes. He agreed with me, but he also said he hadn’t had any intimacy with her for over three years and has never given her any signals, but he just doesn’t feel it is the right time now to tell him. It bothers me a lot as I reasoned with him and he accepted all I said but just wouldn’t change his mind. He knows I am quite upset about it and has said sorry to me many times. What bothers me also is that he doesn’t seem to know or want to figure out a plan other than the hope of her finding another guy

OP posts:

Charley50 · 10/02/2018 17:02

I'd end it. This just spells misery, insecurity and heartache for you. Not worth it. He's not exactly making you feel special is he?

NoSquirrels · 10/02/2018 17:05

What bothers me also is that he doesn’t seem to know or want to figure out a plan other than the hope of her finding another guy

This will not bother you less as time goes on.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 17:09

I also suggested why don’t you tell her that you want and are ready for a new relationship, no need to mention you’ve met someone already, so make her aware slowly. He said no she is very smart she’d work out straight way. Err!!

OP posts:

Charley50 · 10/02/2018 17:10

And he's trying to emotionally blackmail you about her dd being ill; to get you to shut up.
In the real world what an earth do you and him having a relationship have any bearing on her feelings about her daughter being ill. It's just manipulation. Get rid.

Graphista · 10/02/2018 17:11

And as you have noted yourself what you "know" about her is only based on what he's told you, you've not even met any mutual friends to be able to suss if true or not.

So, her dd being ill, her being under stress, her being at risk of self harm, her being the one that wants to get back together, that he was the one to end things - could all be nonsense - at just 3 months in you barely know HIM.

Godsplan · 10/02/2018 17:13

There’s a long thread on here where the boyfriend wouldn’t tell the ex about his gf and new baby. Turns out he got the ex pregnant too. Beware.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 17:17

Graphista - yes, all were based on what he told me. I don’t have any mutual friends to suss anything out. The only people would be his parents as he said they knew her, knew about me, he told them she wanted more but he doesn’t. He also vaguely said his mum thinks he should tell her but also understands why he doesn’t being his mum. I am crazily thinking maybe I shall ask to meet his mum??

OP posts:

MrsElvis · 10/02/2018 17:25

I had this once. Turns out it wasn't over with her. The whole thing stinks which you are aware of

Graphista · 10/02/2018 17:27

here’s a long thread on here where the boyfriend wouldn’t tell the ex about his gf and new baby. Turns out he got the ex pregnant too. Beware.

Yes I posted on that thread (think we're meaning same one)

That poor poster is now dealing with the fallout in what should be the first precious weeks of her baby boy's life. Awful situation.

Dushenka · 10/02/2018 17:27

Having been in the same situation as you, for far longer than you, I agree with previous posters. Don't waste any more of your life on someone who's just 'not that into you'. Doesn't matter what he says about wanting a future with youactions speak louder than words and he is clearly still very attached to his ex. Start dating other people and tell him that this is what you are doing. Don't get heavy with him or blame himkeep the conversation matter of fact and tell him you wish him well but this is not what you want or are willing to put up with, and move on.

Emmageddon · 10/02/2018 17:38

I wouldn't invest anymore time or emotion on this relationship. He is still involved with her, maybe not intimately at the moment, but she is his priority, not you. End the relationship until he is prepared to commit to you, and only you.

B3myvalentine · 10/02/2018 17:47

Some people stay friends with their exes and can have a new relationship. He is investing far too much time, energy, probably money into his ex and her family.His actions speak louder than words. I would suggest walking away. Perhaps, he is guilty or needs to feel needed, but not towards you.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 17:49

He's playing you. Just walk away and save yourself any headache.

He's either not finished with her or she means more to him than you ever will.

If you're happy to be his number 2 ...then carry on and stay with him.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 17:58

You're being treated like the OW/mistress ....even if you arent the OW...your relationship going public is dependant on his so called Ex... meeting someone else.

Another woman is basically dictating how your relationship progresses.

This guy would have to be a very generous billionaire and red hot lover for me to tolerate being a secret.

It's all about what you think your worth and how much bulls**t you will tolerate.

You have nothing but his word and I wouldn't trust it in afraid. Don't be do gullible....thus relationship is on a road to nowhere.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/02/2018 18:25

He's still with her... Obviously.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2018 18:29

You are wasting your precious time with this one

Walk away

You won't though, will you ?

VladmirsPoutine · 10/02/2018 18:38

Leave him. You sound like you are going to cling on to him for dear life. Please don't. Walk away. If this is happening after just 3 months what do you think things will be like in 3 years?

You sound like you already are desperately in love with him. Let him go. There will be another man. And what do you want? Have you considered yourself in all this? It's all 'he said' 'he did' 'he wants' or his ex. Walk away from the whole thing unless you fancy a lot of drama and heartache.

Hissy · 10/02/2018 19:07

Its only 3m, I’d not worry about anything like exes at this point

Wait till 6m and then see what he’s like.

Why does he have to “tell her”? It’s not like she has any say in his life anymore, so perhaps at 6m he’ll be more sure about his relationship with you and then perhaps it’ll just get mentioned or come to light

If he’s otherwise ok, let him know that you are a little worried that he seems to make a lot of time for an ex, but that as it doesn’t impact you Directly so far, it’s a benefit of the doubt situation for now, but that you won’t be in the shadows indefinitely and that he does need to focus where he wants to move ahead to, not walk away from.

He my be feeling guilty about moving on, they were together a long time, and tbh it sounds like she’s highly manipulative with the self harm threats/fears.

Again, raise this in a couple of months and make sure he knows that you’re not likely to put up with her calling the shots in your relationship

I had this kinda with my oh, his exw is highly manipulative, she tried all sorts of shenanigans with their daughter when she got wind that he’d found someone, but it backfired on her completely and now a year or so on, she’s under no misapprehension of where the land lies.

Thymeout · 10/02/2018 19:12

Why did he split up with her? It''s unusual for a man to leave without another relationship to go to and the fact that you are the first relationship he's had in three years seems odd to me. He's still emotionally attached to her, but doesn't want to live with her. Why?

I'd have said that 3 months isn't very long to be making requests about meeting his family and friends. And the fact that he was virtually a stepfather to her children means that it's more difficult for him to make a complete break. But the situation feels far more like a trial separation than the end of a relationship. Did he go on seeing her during the year she was with someone else?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread