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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He doesn’t want to tell his ex about our relationship

66 replies

myw1 · 10/02/2018 16:08

Hi, I am hoping to get some thoughts here. I met a guy and we have been together for about 3 months. He had an ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years and he left her 3 years ago but they had stayed as best friends since (this was what he told me). I was his first relationship since their split up. She had one relationship for 1 year but back to being single a year ago. He told me he couldn’t tell her about me and our relationship because he didn’t want to hurt her. He said she wanted more than just friend with him but he just wants to be friend with her. He said he wants to be with me but it is not the right time to tell her because she is going through lots hard time in her life (her daughter is not well) and she is very fragile. I asked him when he planned to tell her. He said he didn’t know but hoping and waiting for her to find another guy in her life so he could back off - he is also helping her a lot stuff like taking her car for MOT or fixing broken things in her house. I don’t feel comfortable with all these but he won’t change his mind. He said he would never turn his back on her. I don’t mind him helping her out when there is a real need but I feel he is almost still part of her life. Also I am not happy that he doesn’t know when he can tell her about me. I asked him would you let me meet her one day. He said no, that won’t be fair. What should I do? Shall I give him more time or sort it or shall I walk away? Other than this everything is going well. We are both attracted to one another and he said to me he wanted a future with me.

OP posts:

S0ph1a · 10/02/2018 19:24

I wasted a year of my life with a man just like this. In my defence I was very young and didn’t have Mumsnet to advise me .

I told myself all sorts of excuses. Why can’t people still be friends once they have split up ? Didn’t it show what a kind person he was ? And she was really a family friend so what’s the harm ? And of course She was mentally fragile As well ( what a surprise ) .

Unsurprisingly it was a lot of bollocks and they were still together in some sort of way. I never found of what exactly but eventually I got fed up with all his pissing about and ended it.

That’s a year of my life I won’t get back

Apparently they are still ( 20 years later !!!!!) “ good friends “ but not a couple. They don’t even live together and neither of them has lived with other people.

So don’t hang about waiting for this guy to be ready to tell her. Dump and run.

Madupfam · 10/02/2018 19:45

They got back together he just hasn't told you yet .

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 19:54

He said he left her because there was no attraction anymore and he couldn’t do the intimacy but felt he had to do it as they were a couple. I don’t know how much he was seeing her when she had that one year relationship with another guy who was his friend (he said he matchmade them).

Admittedly I had fallen for him but I also see lots red flags and things don’t make logical sense, so I posted here to get some views. I don’t want to end up feeling being cheated and heartbroken

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2018 20:00

Well. You’ve got your views. Pretty much 2 full pages of telling you he’s dishonest and you should leave.

But you’re ignoring all of them and your gut instincts.

Seriously, why did you post? The only post you engaged with in detail was the one poster who suggested he wasn’t playing you.

Original poster

myw1 · 10/02/2018 20:10

Merryoldgoat - I wasn’t aware that I needed to tell everyone of my decision in the thread. I very much appreciate everyone spent time replying to my posts and gave thoughts. I hope you could see why I posted here. I have my gut instincts but I am also hoping he was genuine. I know I am probably a blind fool but I will have a think of what everyone said here and make my decision. I will try to post back for an update. Thanks again!

OP posts:

rothbury · 10/02/2018 20:21

Honestly it doesn't sound like he has actually split up with her.

Walk away now.

midnightmisssuki · 10/02/2018 20:40

Oh dear op. Run not walk. He’s probably with her still but will string you along.... and you’re too into him to see it. Good luck and I hope you don’t lose too many years with him.

NotTheFordType · 10/02/2018 20:47

"The heart wants what the heart wants"

Ugh, can we stop using quotes from men who use those words to excuse grooming and then marrying their step daughter?

Op you're on a hiding to nothing with this one. Bin him off. He's still deeply enmeshed in the romantic drama, star crossed lovers bullshit. Walk away while you still have your dignity.

Merryoldgoat · 10/02/2018 20:51

Myw1 - Of course you don’t have to tell us, but I think it’s telling that the only post you really engaged with was the one backing up your desire to find a reason to stay, rather than the overwhelming majority who are quite clear you’re on a hiding to nothing.

Of course you’re not obliged to take any advice but it’s common to see people post, ostensibly for advice, actually wanting people to confirm their shaky choices and they cling to the few posts that do back them up ignoring the many posts with a great deal of wisdom based on very similar experiences.

Good luck either way. It’s your life and you will do whatever you feel is best, as you should.

Thymeout · 11/02/2018 15:04

Not the Ford type- I've read women saying the same sort of thing on here to justify their behaviour. In that sort of situation, it's v tempting to think that feelings, real lurve, destiny - whatever - trump morality or practicality.

Merry - I agree with the gist of what you're saying. Ops are sometimes clutching at straws in the face of the obvious. But, equally, there are posters whose judgement is skewed by their own experience and say Bin him without considering any alternative explanation. When it comes down to it, the Op knows the man in question much better than we do.

laudanum · 11/02/2018 16:12

He's making constant excuses for not telling her about you. You've got three choices:

• Tell him he has to tell her if you're going to continue (be prepared for something you don't want to hear).
• Tell her yourself (might explode badly, probably will).
• Walk away.

If you want to be second fiddle/doormat, then keep things as they are. He's never going to tell her, even if you insist he does. Show him you deserve more respect by telling him you're over. There is someone better for you out there.

HelpWendy · 31/12/2023 20:30

Whatever happened here OP?

Fredablogs · 31/12/2023 22:17

Oh this is a zombie thread

Indifferentchickenwings · 31/12/2023 23:17

Honestly it’s going to be way way easier if you split now
and in another 6 months
it will be the same

he needs to detach from her and he won’t

Pinkbonbon · 01/01/2024 03:26

They all lie and tell you she will self harm or have a breakdown. It's standard lying bastard bullshit 101.

He's probably still with her. At the very least he's still shaggung her or, want to be but it's HER that doesn't want that.

She had a boyfriend for a year since she left him...three years ago. I very much doubt she is going to off herself just because he is dating again.

He's selling you all the usual horseshit that abusive cheating bastards do.

Don't walk, ruuuuun!

MaryHinges · 01/01/2024 06:06

FFS! Zombie thread!🙄

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