Was I being inconsiderate and selfish?

[anowlmostfoul]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 14 months now. He lives in a remote village 25 minutes drive away from me and I don't drive so he has always picked me up twice a week to go on dates/ to his house.

We had a massive argument last night and he asked me why I'd never once offered to take the bus and that it wasn't fair that he did all of the work re transport.

I was really shocked by the realisation that he obviously resented this - he'd never given me an inkling that picking me up in the car was an issue.

The bus is infrequent, unreliable, expensive and can take almost an hour to to do a 25 minute drive.It doesn't even stop at his village so he'd have to do a 10 minute drive anyway to pick me up from the nearest bus stop.

I got really stroppy and said OK don't ever pick me up again and I'll just take the bus from now on, sorry for being such a freeloader, I had no idea this was such a problem!

We've both since apologised to each other and but now I feel really guilty and awkward and don't know what to do - was I being unreasonable or was he? He said to forget it, but should I actually take the bus from now on?

Brief background info for context:

Me: Have an official diagnosis of autism plus dyspraxia. Low wage but trying to learn to drive - this is a struggle both mentally and financially. Under immense pressure due to still living under same roof as emotionally abusive stbxh. If I ever pass my test I can move in with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Works in a high level, very stressful job with long hours. Under a lot of pressure at work.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to have never offered tk make your own way over in 14 months of being together. He could have said something much earlier and in a calm way so he’s not totally blameless here.

I wouldn’t necessarily start taking the bus, but if you offer that would be a kind thing to do.

I don't think him wanting you to sometimes take the bus is unreasonable but he could have approached it in a far better way. I think you should consider SOMETIMES taking the bus going forward.

Your complaint is that the bus takes an hour to do a 25min journey, but it takes him an hour to do the round trip to collect you.

I'm staggered that you've never offered to catch the bus, and I'm sure he'd be a lot happier to collect you from the nearby village that's 10mins from his house.

I can see why he resents this to be honest. My boyfriend used to be like this, I picked him up all the time and not once did he offer to give me fuel money, despite me asking him to help. I eventually lost it with him and told him to start getting the bus and train. He's since started helping out.

Have you paid for fuel at least?

So you're happy for him to drive for 50 minutes (there and back) but are never prepared to go on a bus for 10 minutes more.

That's not to mention the expense and stress of driving.

Yes I think YABU to have never thought to offer.

I agree with BrandNewHouse I'm afraid. Your response was really childish. And I wouldn't be impressed either.

Having said that, he should've talked to you properly before his resentment reached boiling point.

I'm amazed you're going from one partner's house to another without some time on your own. Wouldn't you like your own place?

Thanks for your replies. Thing is I'd gladly have taken the bus if he'd ever given me any indication! I genuinely thought he was happy doing it!

No I've never offered to pay for fuel. Do you think I should now? It's never occurred to me, now I feel even worse!

I do other stuff though, like cooking him big pots of healthy food so he doesn't have to cook every day and I sometimes clean his house a bit. Would never dream of asking him for money though, I thought couples do this sort of thing for free cos they love each other?

So Should I take the bus from now on and also offer payment for past lifts? I'm worried if I do this he might think I'm being passive aggressive.

Reply to MyBrilliantDisguise:

See we can't go to my own house cos my stbxh won't move out. He keeps waving sharp knives around, I keep having to phone the police 😬

Sorry, what I meant was I can't understand why you don't leave your ex, continue dating the new guy and then move in with him later. You're moving from one relationship to another without a break.

Your ex sounds really dangerous. Do you own the house together? Is that why you're still there?

Hi op,

I think there is wrong on both sides. He should have said if he didn't want to ferry you about, you should have offered to make your own way there and offer petrol money. If you've both said sorry and are ok now I think the thing to do is to sit down and have a conversation about how you proceed, if you go over twice a week how about you get the bus once and he picks you up once? And offer petrol money.

But to be honest the situation with your ex sounds pretty dangerous...why are you still living with him? I assume it must be because he is on the tenancy or deeds depending if you rent or own? Is that going to come to an end in the forseeable future?

I wouldn't offer fuel money. I'd feel insulted if I was offered fuel money in his position.

I would begin to take the bus sometimes. Take a book to read...or listen to music on your phone...the time will pass quickly.

Thanks for your advice, really helpful. My house is co-owned with stbxh and I can't afford to move out cos I have to house my children and only earn £727 per month. If I pass my driving test I'll move in with my boyfriend, who is lovely despite car argument! But I am very dyspraxic which means driving is a massive challenge. I've already failed my test twice 🙁

You should offer money for fuel yes. Its a fair amount of fuel for 50 miles.

Yabu. If you don't want to get a bus take a taxi.

You should absolutely offer fuel money! 50 minutes round trip several times a week is bloody expensive. No wonder he's pissed off.

And are you really considering moving your kids straight from your current home in with your partner?

Sorry yoUr husband waves knives around and he is still in the same house as your children?

It really should have occurred to you without him having to mention it that you should make your own way to his house, or at least part of the way. Why on earth would you expect him to ferry you around like a personal Uber?

When I met my bf he lives 30 miles away. I used to get the train to the nearest station (3 miles frpm his house) and he picked me up from there. Never occurred to me to expect him to drive all the way here to chauffeur me around.

However more serious than the fact you expect him to be a free chauffeur are your living arrangements. If you've been with your boyfriend for 14 months presumably you split from your XH 18m- 2 years ago? Why the hell are you still living under the same roof? If he's violent why have you not sought legal advice to get him out of the house?!! Also is it not confusing for your kids that you're still under the same roof?

Have your kids met your bf? If not how is it that you're planning to move in with him as soon as you pass your test?

I think you have bigger problems than the transport issue tbh.

The thing is very few people enjoy driving. Couple that with the dead time and the expense of running a car (fuel, road tax, insurance, upkeep etc) I think you’ve taken the piss.

Stbxh hasn't harmed anyone apart from himself with the knife, he's only done it in front of me, he waits until my daughter goes to school. The police didn't think he's a danger but I have to admit I felt extremely traumatised. It's a very stressful situation cos he refuses to move out despite the divorce being almost complete, apart from the division of assets.

PS: I now think I was unreasonable never to offer to take the bus, but it genuinely never occurred to me.

Well now you know.

Who are the children going to live with when you and your ex are living seperately?