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Original poster

Was I being inconsiderate and selfish?

56 replies

anowlmostfoul · 09/02/2018 17:24

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 14 months now. He lives in a remote village 25 minutes drive away from me and I don't drive so he has always picked me up twice a week to go on dates/ to his house.

We had a massive argument last night and he asked me why I'd never once offered to take the bus and that it wasn't fair that he did all of the work re transport.

I was really shocked by the realisation that he obviously resented this - he'd never given me an inkling that picking me up in the car was an issue.

The bus is infrequent, unreliable, expensive and can take almost an hour to to do a 25 minute drive.It doesn't even stop at his village so he'd have to do a 10 minute drive anyway to pick me up from the nearest bus stop.

I got really stroppy and said OK don't ever pick me up again and I'll just take the bus from now on, sorry for being such a freeloader, I had no idea this was such a problem!

We've both since apologised to each other and but now I feel really guilty and awkward and don't know what to do - was I being unreasonable or was he? He said to forget it, but should I actually take the bus from now on?

Brief background info for context:

Me: Have an official diagnosis of autism plus dyspraxia. Low wage but trying to learn to drive - this is a struggle both mentally and financially. Under immense pressure due to still living under same roof as emotionally abusive stbxh. If I ever pass my test I can move in with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Works in a high level, very stressful job with long hours. Under a lot of pressure at work.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 10/02/2018 00:17

Have you tried an automatic car? They are much easier to drive.

Don't feel bad. You didn't realise and he's probably just tired after a long week. Why don't you offer to take the bus to see him and maybe he could drive you home?

Cricrichan · 10/02/2018 00:19

Ok then you need to apologise and tell him that it never occurred to you. He's done a lot of driving the last year when you could have been taking the bus. It takes you an hour on the bus but it takes him an hour to pick you up and drive back too. However, you're short of money and you have kids so maybe it's not going to be fairly shared out.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2018 00:24

Having read your updates op, whether you take the bus or not isn't your main problem Sad

RainyApril · 10/02/2018 05:42

I think it must be awful for your dc to see you leaving to see your bf whilst still living with your previous partner. Have they met your bf? If not how can you consider moving them in with him, without them building some sort of relationship with him first?

Moving from your current home to this new man's home without any time on your own would be a huge mistake and has disaster written all over it.

The bus issue now seems trivial but I would apologise for your outburst, explain that it genuinely hadn't occurred to you, and get the bus once a week from now on.

Godsplan · 10/02/2018 06:00

Are your children moving into your boyfriend’s with you?

Transport aside it’s a very odd set up.

Oblomov18 · 10/02/2018 06:02

Why can't you get the bus, and then walk the 10 minutes to his house? At least he'd occasionally not have to drive at all then?
Yes I think YABU the have never offered. It would have got right up my nose aswell.

Original poster
anowlmostfoul · 10/02/2018 06:07

I should have explained, my DS is a student and only comes home for the holidays and my DD will be moving away to start university this September. They like my boyfriend, as I said, he is lovely 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
anowlmostfoul · 10/02/2018 06:09

@Oblomov18 The bus stop is 10 minutes drive away, not 10 minutes walk

OP posts:
Chippyway · 10/02/2018 07:47

I honestly can’t believe you’ve never offered to pay petrol Confused how hasn’t it ever entered your head?

I also think you’ve been unreasonable to not offer to get the bus

So not only is he doing an hour round trip to get you, he’s also paying for all the petrol. I’d be pissed off with that too!!!

My partner earns 4 x what I earn. We both drive. If he does a long journey for us both I always offer petrol money. He’s never taken any off me mind, but I at least offer.

You’ve massively taken the piss here

Original poster
anowlmostfoul · 10/02/2018 07:57

As a result of this thread I asked my boyfriend about paying for petrol. He laughed and said no cos he earns a lot more than me. He is an anti capitalist.

I don't know why it never occurred to me to offer to take the bus. I suppose it didn't seem an obvious thing to do cos it doesn't actually go to his village so it didn't even seem like an option 🙁

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 10/02/2018 08:01

If you have children, please try to rebuild your life with them instead of moving them from living with your ex - I presume is their father - straight into another man's house. They will need time and space to heal.

Original poster
anowlmostfoul · 10/02/2018 08:09

@thethoughtfox DS is at Uni and DD will be starting university in September. They're actually happy I'm in a loving relationship now after years of being in a miserable marriage.

OP posts:
thiswas · 10/02/2018 09:08

You need to at least offer.

Show that you are willing to make an effort for him including waiting for an infrequent bus.

He needs to feel he's worth your time. Deeds speak louder than words as MNetters know.

Quirkycutekitch2011 · 10/02/2018 09:16

My partner lives 25 mins away & the same as you it takes an hour on public transport for me - he picks me up once a week & I get the train once a week.

How will it work for you travelling to work when you move?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2018 09:23

Can I also gently say something else op?

Do you think it's wise to rush straight from one horrible abusive relationship, straight into living with someone you've only known for a year?

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/02/2018 09:30

Hmmm....he's an anti capitalist is he...

Sorry, OP, but I think your autism might be blinding you to a lot of other stuff going on underneath. I agree with others who say you should take time out and live by yourself (maybe move closer to your DP rather than in with him). This his 'out of the frying pan' written all over it.

I earn a LOT less than £700 a month and I rent a place by myself and date from there. That way I am my own person, not dependant on a man for validation. And given his 'anti capitaliist beliefs (how does he square those with earning a lot of money in a high pressure job), what's he going to say if one of your kids goes into banking?

Chattette1 · 10/02/2018 09:35

If he had a problem with this he should have brought it up at the time instead of letting it build up and exploding at you. I can understand why you didn't offer as the bus isn't direct to his village but from now on I would insist on taking the bus semi regularly. Does he ever come to visit you or do you always go to him? Maybe he should visit you too?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 10/02/2018 09:43

Hmmm him saying no to petrol money after blowing up at you about the inconvenience of driving you about makes me worry he is a bit passive aggressive. I would also rather be independant than have to rely on him for lifts so I would familiarise myself with the bus route and insist on using it once a week at least. That way he doesn't have a reason to have a go about doing all the driving. You could use a taxi for the last 10 minute from bus stop to house maybe?

My guard would be up though, having a go at you then laughing and saying he earns more than you just doesn't sit right.

babyccinoo · 10/02/2018 09:56

I do other stuff though, like cooking him big pots of healthy food so he doesn't have to cook every day

Cooking him big pots of food saves him a lot of time and money as well though.

It's sad that he doesn't see that. It always seems like women's effort is a relationship is unappreciated.

His time in driving you is really worth more than yours spent cooking for him?

I wonder how much you've saved him takeaways?

HeebieJeebies456 · 10/02/2018 12:05

No I've never offered to pay for fuel....It's never occurred to me
Shock Shock

If I pass my driving test I'll move in with my boyfriend

Yes, you were inconsiderate and selfish.
You also sound like an entitled freeloader who expects others to pay her way in life!
Then acts all innocent and offended when called out on it and gets passive aggressive.

babyccinoo · 10/02/2018 12:19

Heebie isn't OP's boyfriend a freeloader for accepting her big pots of food and housework?

Why is what OP does worthless?

HeebieJeebies456 · 10/02/2018 12:52

I'm sure he's capable of managing his own cooking and cleaning - just like he did before he met OP.

I highly doubt he 'expects' this of OP or would throw strop and get all passive aggressive if she stopped doing it Hmm

It sounds to me like OP is being rather manipulative.....choosing to 'mother' him even though he doesn't need it just so she can then use it as a 'bargaining tool' for when she eventually gets called out on her attitude.

BackInTheRoom · 10/02/2018 13:10

Don't hold back @HeebieJeebies456 ! Wow! The OP has autism, has explained about the transport etc. Cooks him food etc. Her DP has probably pulled it from his 'gunnysack' and rather than mention it, he blew which in my mind, is more worrying tbh.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 13:14

I think it's a piss take to expect him to do an hours round trip twice a week and never to have offered to make your own way there. Very selfish. And he gets the joy of paying for it. I'd get pissed off with that too.

I assume it's just built up and he blew. But yeah, you behaved very selfishly and rudely. I also suspect you're lying. It did occur to you to take the bus, you simply didn't want to.

MadMags · 10/02/2018 13:20

I don’t even know where to start with this.

But...I don’t think you should drive just so you can move from one man’s house to another’s.*

*I know you own part of your current property.

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