Okay, Just a piece of advice

[Buck3t]

You can take it or take it not.

This is advice passed to me from my mother and given to her from her Grandfather. He was a simple man, but this really resonated with her and she says it's the one good thing he ever did for her.

No matter how much 'in love' you are with your OH, make sure you have something for yourself.

In my GGF's case he was talking about money. Share your life all you want to, but make sure you are able to look after you (and yours) if the worst happens. Whether he dies, or leaves you.

I would add to also look after your emotional well being.

I sometimes have to walk away from some posts, because we all read the same things on here 'he's cheating, he's left me, he's abusive, he's controlling and no I have no access to any money'. I always want to answer 'Why the hell not?'

I have always had a separate account that I siphon money away to. Because I think my DH will leave me? No, I don't think so. Just because I don't want to be left in crap, if he does leave or, may the universe forbid, he dies.

I know why some people don't, they really don't think 'it' can happen to them. They were never taught to do that, they think a separate (secret) account is wrong. But believe me if you do not instruct your children to do so, you are setting them up for a serious shock down the line. Protect yourselves and even if you never need to use it it's a nice little windfall down the line (I've used mine frivolously and rebuilt it again).

But it's not just money, don't rely on their friends, their hobbies (if you are not really interested) etc.

Okay, I've said it now. I probably haven't been as eloquent as I could have been. But I really do get frustrated when I read 'I have no access to accounts'. Even without problems within a marriage, that is a problem.

PS: my parents are still together over 40 years later and I'm still with my DH over 20 years later, so no self fulfilling prophecy here.

I've started typing a reply to this but actually decided just to stick with this -->

Can I ask why? I shared and gave my reasons. A biscuit tells me nothing.

I mean like I said you can take it or leave it. But you chose to comment albeit with a biscuit.

I mean was it smug? was it preachy? What about it turned you off? Was the comment wrong in any way. Is it something that should be said but in a nicer way? Help me out here?

I am all for protecting yourself financially via marriage if you are a SAHM or working part time due to caring for children.

But do you not think that this advice rather depends on a person having enough money to contribute to joint bills and savings and then have even more left over for siphoning off into another account? How many mothers do you think are in this situation?

Because you are at best completely clueless about the nature and dynamics of the sort of abusive relationships many women posting on here find themselves in and at worst goady.

Keeping a "secret" account and siphoning off joint account doesn't seem very admirable. We have our own accounts and a joint one which pays bills. No secrecy involved. As pp said, some don't have enough to cover bills let alone save.

And what if you don't have any money to "siphon off" into a secret account?

You share this advice like its a piece of gold...it isn't. It's basically saying "never trust anyone, because it'll all go down the shitter".

I have been in a relationship that was abusive in every way. Do you have any idea what its like to have every aspect of your life controlled? To live in fear? Had I started trying to squirrel money away so I could leave and he found out (which he would have, because like many abusive relationships he controlled every single aspect of my life. Opened my post, checked my phone when I was allowed one. Never let me leave the house alone) he would have probably killed me.

You sound completely and utterly clueless. Keep your advice, its worse than useless. Its downright dangerous.

If I had any money for extra savings they would be joint savings. Then if the shit hits the fan you each have a nest egg to fall back on.

I wouldn’t have ‘secret’ savings that my DH didn’t know about. I’m not naive, I know full well that could be me one day, but I didn’t marry him in order to assume the worst and deceive him. Just not fair.

I’d be angry if I found he had secret savings not intended to be shared, so I wouldn’t do it to him. I respect him.

justkeeponsmiling Because you are at best completely clueless about the nature and dynamics of the sort of abusive relationships many women posting on here find themselves in and at worst goady.

That's not all women though is it? How many people are comfortable and choose (even when presented with the idea) to not protect themselves, it's okay that they make no effort?

It seems quite easy for some people to get themselves into controlling relationships and many find themselves in them because of the relationships with those that raised them. But suppose they were actually informed in their formative years, would that not have helped? So having the information later (as they can't go back in time and change how they were raised), would it not be beneficial for them to impart that information to the next generation?

Not sure why that would be goady but there you have it.

helhathnofury some don't have any to save. Fair point. My circumstances are different to most and it is hard to imagine some abusive situations.

PNGirl I am all for protecting yourself financially via marriage if you are a SAHM or working part time due to caring for children.

See this I don't get, using marriage to protect myself. It sounds great in theory, till a not so lovely DH finds a way not to look after their own children - something we see on MN very often.

I don't know how people are to do it, if they are in abusive, controlling relationships, should that mean they dont' try to protect themselves.

It's not bad advice...but for those who are SAHP and have no independent financial means...it clearly touches a nerve.

Whether I had money stashed away or not...I would not tolerate abuse...that's just me. We're all different...there will always be abusers and bullies.

There Will be men and women who tolerate absolute horrendous betrayals...yet they stay. Finances arebt the only reason they stay...sometimes it's this thing called love.

Why else would a woman stay with a man who's slept with 300 prostitutes. It's a crazy world put there.

I think overall this is good advice. Too many women seem to see relationships as a fairytale where their handsome prince will always make everything ok. They excuse all sorts of horrendous behaviour with 'but I love him'. Well so what? Are you happy in the relationship? Are you safe? Healthy? Do you have the choice to leave if you wanted to? Do you feel cared for? Does he share the dull shitty parts of life with you or leave it all up to you?

I think women could benefit from advice to be a bit more pragmatic and self interested in relationships. I keep a sum of money aside in my current account which I think of as my 'starting again' fund. It's not secret as such but it's there if I need it. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now but I always know that I have enough money to afford a deposit on a new place and / or a few nights in a hotel if I needed to run. I was in an abusive relationship years ago and maybe the experience of your life falling apart around your ears stays with you forever. I also recognise that I am EXTREMELY fortunate to have these spare funds and that not every women is in that position

I've seen this from both sides OP.

I was stuck in an abusive relationship for 18 years because I had no money of my own and nowhere to go, plus I had 3 children.

When they got older and I started up my career, the first thing I did was open an account in my name only, and put money away every month. As soon as I had enough put away, I LTB.

I'd like to point out I wasn't just talking about money (even if my GFF was), but it seems everyone stuck with that example.

I'd also like to point out it isn't just if your DH should leave you, it's having access to money if he dies.

I don't think encouraging people to be independent of their partners is a bad thing. LIke I said not eloquent. But many seem to only focus on the money aspect.

MyKingdomforBrie Nothing is perfect, so I don't tell my DH cause he's crap with money. That's just the way I do it. Not advising anyone to do it the same way. When I spent it frivolously it was spent on both of us. So it's not that it's not to be shared, but it is there in an emergency.

bothears. I have no idea what you went through. But for you to come out the other side where you do trust people again is better than great. Sht happens and life does on occasion go down the shtter. Pretending it doesn't is not realistic. I'd rather be prepared than not. But like I originally said take it or leave it.

I can see what you're getting at, but when advising people in abusive relationships to have a secret account is genuinely dangerous. If I had done that I honestly would not be here. Abuse comes in all shape and forms, it is volatile and unpredictable and no amount of being prepared will help once you're in it and being controlled.

I went through what I did and came out the other side a shell of who I was. I am now happily married to my wonderful husband and despite him being a bit crap with money I feel no need to prepare myself for the worst because I trust him and I like trusting him. I don't want secrets. If you flip the tables how would you feel if you found out your husband had a secret account he didn't trust you enough to tell you about? I would be hurt and I think a lot of people would be.

I can see what you are trying to say, but I think you're a bit naive.

*ignore the when in that first sentence!

I think its good advice, OP. Obviously financially, not everyone is able to. But you also mention other areas and I think that's good advice too.

Who would know about your secret account if you died suddenly?

I agree with you. I'm not sure why anyone would take exception to that advice.

I'm married for the 2nd time and for the first time in my life I've come to think that a family pot is a good plan. As long as I'm in control (albeit jointly).

But my DH is frugal. Where as my exh had a gambling problem and à drink problem and huge debts. So in brief I think people may dive into sharing finances a bit too easily.

claudia Who would know about your secret account if you died suddenly?
Sh*t you got me! No but seriously.

Right now my mum knows where to find my security information so DH can access this kind of information (I should probably expand this list). I imagine DH will be a wreck if I die and he'll need someone sensible and practical to help. DH and I have both been remiss in sorting out all our security information in one place, so we can both get to this stuff as most things are online now.

Totally agree. People need to have choices. The amount of people trapped in relationship purely because they don’t feel able to afford to leave.

£5 a week from the start, or as much as you can afford.

I won’t do a joint account either and I’m a saver with my half the disposable income whereas dh spends.

I also have assets I can sell if needed

This isn’t just about someone leaving you or you being able to leave them, it’s about planing for an uncertain future like an accident or worse.

Very sensible advice.

'Iwon’t do a joint account either and I’m a saver with my half the disposable income whereas dh spends. '

We have a joint account but put a fixed amount each in every month for mortgage and bills. All other finances are separate. I know a couple who both work full time but only have one joint account, no separate finances. Don't get it at all.

I think every man and woman should have their own account, it shouldn’t be secret (unless your other half is absolutely rubbish with money).

And also think that in healthy relationships both partners should be able to talk and take decisions about money without being infantilised by the other.

I’m pro joint accounts as long as one separate acooubt exists for each partner and they can be open about them.

So many stereotypical assumptions about abuse in relationships/money/upbringing in this thread. Nothing is clear cut, nothing is easy and you have no idea what you would depending on what situation you were in.