Okay, Just a piece of advice

[Buck3t]

You can take it or take it not.

This is advice passed to me from my mother and given to her from her Grandfather. He was a simple man, but this really resonated with her and she says it's the one good thing he ever did for her.

No matter how much 'in love' you are with your OH, make sure you have something for yourself.

In my GGF's case he was talking about money. Share your life all you want to, but make sure you are able to look after you (and yours) if the worst happens. Whether he dies, or leaves you.

I would add to also look after your emotional well being.

I sometimes have to walk away from some posts, because we all read the same things on here 'he's cheating, he's left me, he's abusive, he's controlling and no I have no access to any money'. I always want to answer 'Why the hell not?'

I have always had a separate account that I siphon money away to. Because I think my DH will leave me? No, I don't think so. Just because I don't want to be left in crap, if he does leave or, may the universe forbid, he dies.

I know why some people don't, they really don't think 'it' can happen to them. They were never taught to do that, they think a separate (secret) account is wrong. But believe me if you do not instruct your children to do so, you are setting them up for a serious shock down the line. Protect yourselves and even if you never need to use it it's a nice little windfall down the line (I've used mine frivolously and rebuilt it again).

But it's not just money, don't rely on their friends, their hobbies (if you are not really interested) etc.

Okay, I've said it now. I probably haven't been as eloquent as I could have been. But I really do get frustrated when I read 'I have no access to accounts'. Even without problems within a marriage, that is a problem.

PS: my parents are still together over 40 years later and I'm still with my DH over 20 years later, so no self fulfilling prophecy here.

Good lord, why do some mumsnetter love to jump down people's throats? She was just giving a piece of advice, a very good advice Indeed. I wish someone had giving me that advice 6 years ago, I've been SAHM since my eldest was born 5 years ago. I've decided to leave DH, but can not afford to at the moment. I don't have any money, don't drive etc. So because I leave I want to get my license, get a job and get some money together to go rent a place for me and my DC. Never ever will I be a SAHM with no money again, I will never be dependent on another human being again. I had to learn the hard way unfortunately. OPs advice is aimed at people like me.

Thank you OP, you have to have thick skin to be on MN 💐.

And can I add whenever I wanted to buy something he would question me, but he always had money to buy whatever he wanted and if I dared to say anything, he would say" well it's my money anyway". Why the fuck am I gonna put myself to that again?

And he was someone I was so in love with and thought I was gonna be with him for the rest of my life. Things happen, people change. Be prepared for that.

How would you feel if your partner was siphoning off money into a secret account? I would go ballistic.
I do believe it's important to have financial independence if possible, but sometimes it isn't possible. Make sure both names are on the mortgage and there is a joint account if one of you doesn't work/ Also, make sure you both know your financial situation. I would never ever get myself in a situation where I didn't know exactly how much was coming in and what it was being spent on etc. So many women seem to have no clue. It's totally disempowering to hand over all responsibility and power to a man, no matter how much you trust him.

Thanks Rosiie I'm sorry you are going through this. I imagine it is very hard.

Thank you for your thoughts and your experience that supports the advice. I'm hoping it will help someone out there.

I think it's good advice in theory, hard advice to follow in practise (but that's been pointed out already). The only people I know who could really benefit from this, don't even have a few quid a month to spare aside (are on food stamps for example). In the case of one woman I know, her abusive husband insisted she put all her money and savings in his account when they married and now he won't let her work. Every time she starts thinking about finding a job oops! She's pregnant again. He's also very sexual abusive btw so I have no doubt he's forcing these pregnancies on her to make it harder/ more expensive to leave. She started a mlm business in secret to try and make some money to leave but he found out and now any money she makes from that goes straight into his account. It's desperately sad, but even if I gave her the money to leave I have no doubt it'd end up in his bank account by the end of the week. I know you weren't just referring to money, and not just to abusive relationships, but these are just the people I know who could most benefit from your advice. Not knowing to have financial independence isn't the barrier they're facing, sadly it's much more complicated than just "no one told me".

I agree with you, I have two friends who are stuck, one divorced but is back staying with the ex, has been for 15 years. She got a settlement after they divorced, bought a house but they then decided to get back together again. She sold hers and they bought another but her name isn’t on the deeds. She has no money so if she left again the lifestyle she has now would be impossible. The other has expensive hobbies, treatments, lunches out, dinners etc with friends. They are both at university so can’t work. They are stuck for the foreseeable future.

NordicNobody I know it's easier said than done but in that case I would call 999 and get the hell out of there faster than he can say jack. Thank goodness DH is not that abusive, I can still work and do what I want. But he is emotionally abusive. Name calling, loves to put me down, tells me I'll never succeed in my future business, laughs at me when I say I want to go to uni. I don't tell him anything anymore because he will have an opinion about it, and it's always a bad one. I'm just doing what i need to do, get my ducks in row and leave when I'm ready.

Nordic the point of the advice is prior to getting into a situation where an abuser can force you to put all your money into their account.

Having not had/followed that advice, your friend needs advice now for her to get out of that situation. I see lots of advice on MN that seems helpful.

I completely agree with your advice, OP.

I hope my kids never end up completely financially dependent on their partner/s.

So originally I thought 'what a bitter message you are sending. 'Never give your full self to someone incase they screw your over or die'

And then the more I think about it, the more I think that yes whilst it is a slightly depressing mindset, it definitely fits my life. My dp had has as much as he will promise he is over it now a gambling addiction predating our relationship and children. The 2 years of the beginning of our relationship he gambled and I covered it up and turned a blind eye by saying 'it's ok. Just don't do it again'. And then he was (or at least I believed) 2 years clean. Obviously that wasn't the case. I'm lucky I have fairly well off parents who offer no judgment and bailed me out so I didn't end up homeless and unable to feed my 2 very young children. I told him to leave, he went to counselling, his entire personality changed. He stopped playing the victim and actually was shocked I hadn't forgiven him for the 15,000th time.

We are back together. I'm a terribly unromantic person so I'm ok with being with someone who right now I don't trust, I don't want to marry, I feel a lot of resentment to the way he has treated me and still has a brilliant career to show for it while I have the thankless job of looking after our children (I choose this. But I am also choosing to start an education. Somehow. I want to go to evening classes or something. I don't care what, but I need to protect my future by not being an unskilled worker). He knows this. He knows there is a big part of me that I am keeping back and not giving to him. And I think I am bloody well entitled to that. I also have my own account with enough money in it to not be left up shit creek without a paddle again. And I am going to continue adding to that. For the sake of me and my children, I won't ever let him risk the roof over our heads and the food we eat.

And whilst a part of me thinks that if I feel this way in a year and the trust hadn't rebuilt at least slightly and I still think I would rather cut off my own arm than legally tie myself go him, i will walk away. But right now I do want to be in a relationship with him. And it's a bit of a head fuck having such a conflicting relationship. But knowing I have a part of me safe and a small lump of money safe, i sleep soundly knowing I'm in charge of my life.

So yes you were ineloquent and slightly superior sounding but you were damn right.

I'm pretty independent in that I can easily cope with everything when dh works away for most of the year. However, the stage our family is at (ie young DC, no family help, frequent moves) has meant that I'm not working much and am financially dependent. The amount of money I could 'squirrel away' wouldn't be enough to pay for anything, so I don't see how that would help.
I do find it pretty offensive that if everything went down the pan someone would say that I'd basically brought it on myself by not making any effort. Are we meant to distrust our dp from the start and have an escape route and funds all prepared?

*Whiskaspie
*
No not at all. I think if you set out from the with mistrust and secrets then it's all a bit crap.

I've been religiously making money online to provide an income for me to put away.

There's no way you would have brought it on yourself and people saying that is offensive. I didn't deserve to be lied to and stolen from. I didn't bring it on myself. I was a trusting person and originally I had no reason to be mistrustful so why would I have been?

OP I agree with you wholeheartedly. To the point of saying your partner is your only/best friend. It is risky, though great for those who have good relationships.
This imo is a combination of 2 recent threads. One was on a runaway fund. The other was on 'do you tell your partner everything'.
I answered a) yes
b) no.
Of course there are going to be many people here who say their relationships are perfect and that they cannot envisage a relationship where they are not fully honest/won't keep secrets from their partner/share everything.
But I agree with you.

Yeh I see what you're saying Buck3t, and I do agree with you. Your advice is good. I was responding more to the bit in your op where you say you read about people in abusive relationships with no access to money and want to yell "why not?!" Well, in the case of my friend, that's why not. She did have the savings, but he took them from her. I don't know if you've ever been in an abusive relationship but it can be phenomenally hard to see what's really going on until it's too late. And yeh it would have been best if, as you say, she kept the account secret, but as you can see from this thread alone a lot of people feel that that's a dishonest thing to do. I personally agree it's a good idea, but I can see how people end up in these dreadful situations. It's a very insidious process.

Boats I would consider any partner, male or female, going 'ballistic' while I were making myself secure, as being abusive. So long as the family/relationship unit was not financially deprived, then a personal savings account is nothing wrong. It is sensible.

How much do you think should be in a secret account OP? A certain number of months living expenses or another figure ?

I'd say enough to be able to leave, get a b and b, deposit and first month's payment on a flat, living expenses until you find work and childcare. More if you have no support ie parents who can offer assistance, or friends who you can stay with. I'd say in a perfect world about 4 grand. But even if it's only 100 quid, that gives you the taxi fare to somewhere else and a bag of food until you sort out somewhere else. I always have documents close as well, not in case of needing to leave (am single). But as good habit to have and to demonstrate to my children that security is everything.

My DP has something like this. Except it's a wad of cash which he thinks is hidden. Ha.

Is everyone even the OP maybe missing the point on the original advice
"No matter how much in love you are with someone make sure you have something for yourself"
Even the OP sounds like a money grabber, but I think what the old man means is to keep your self identity, whether that be a hobby, a friend, an opinion, your own identity. Don't fade into the other person the minute you do it's unattractive. You need to have hobbies you enjoy but actually still enjoy different things. Everyone needs to take a chance in life a few times to fall in love, if some of that is making a compromise so be it.

Unsolicited advice is rarely well received.

@GottadoitGottadoit agreed

jkl0311 actually it was the GGF who was talking about money and I was talking about being independent, i.e. not just money, I've said it a few times on the thread. Hope that's clearer.

@GottadoitGottadoit you are right it is. Doesn't make it any less valuable than 'marinade your meat, don't just add salt and pepper and expect wow!'

@Lemonshark I don't know how much is enough. I really don't. At the end of the day I always knew I could/can go back to my parents. My DSis who was in an abusive relationship, never seemed to understand that (or rather she didn't want to be told, I told you so, and I don't think our parents would be so humble as to not say it), so for her sake, I would have said enough for a cab to get back to DM's, but everyone has different needs, DC etc. So the answer is different for everyone.

Thing is this is about independence for your self. Not to completely be taken over. But nearly everyone seems to be focusing on the money aspect. To lose 'you' is just as dangerous as needing to leave with no money (obviously depending on individual circumstances), it's just that money is extremely practical to have, if the sh*t hits the fan.