Okay, Just a piece of advice

[Buck3t]

You can take it or take it not.

This is advice passed to me from my mother and given to her from her Grandfather. He was a simple man, but this really resonated with her and she says it's the one good thing he ever did for her.

No matter how much 'in love' you are with your OH, make sure you have something for yourself.

In my GGF's case he was talking about money. Share your life all you want to, but make sure you are able to look after you (and yours) if the worst happens. Whether he dies, or leaves you.

I would add to also look after your emotional well being.

I sometimes have to walk away from some posts, because we all read the same things on here 'he's cheating, he's left me, he's abusive, he's controlling and no I have no access to any money'. I always want to answer 'Why the hell not?'

I have always had a separate account that I siphon money away to. Because I think my DH will leave me? No, I don't think so. Just because I don't want to be left in crap, if he does leave or, may the universe forbid, he dies.

I know why some people don't, they really don't think 'it' can happen to them. They were never taught to do that, they think a separate (secret) account is wrong. But believe me if you do not instruct your children to do so, you are setting them up for a serious shock down the line. Protect yourselves and even if you never need to use it it's a nice little windfall down the line (I've used mine frivolously and rebuilt it again).

But it's not just money, don't rely on their friends, their hobbies (if you are not really interested) etc.

Okay, I've said it now. I probably haven't been as eloquent as I could have been. But I really do get frustrated when I read 'I have no access to accounts'. Even without problems within a marriage, that is a problem.

PS: my parents are still together over 40 years later and I'm still with my DH over 20 years later, so no self fulfilling prophecy here.

OP, that's not bad advice at all, HOWEVER, how about instead of being judgy of women who haven't had your advantage, a loving set of grandparents and parents who gave you sage advice, which you had the good luck to be able to follow. How about you feel empathy for the women who haven't had that, and pass on your gift to young people who might benefit. Rather than starting a post which is a comment more about you and your sense of superiority, rather than actually trying to help someone.

diddlemethis loving set of gps (not quite, firstly he was my dm's gf not mine and like I said the ONE good thing he ever did for her - there is loads of backstory). Alcholic df and so much that doesn't feel like luck to me. You don't know my circs, but you've managed to judge yourself. Thanks

I generally don't do empathy, I'd rather fix things. You can't change your past, but you can deal with your future. It literally is in your hands. That's my motivation making sure the next gen has a future (preferably a positive one).

Nothing wrong with a bit of self reliance, which is how I interpret that. Someone once said it to me and I didn't really know what they meant at the time and felt a bit silly so didn't ask

Sorry but you do sound smug, I have money, I own outright my own home, have good family nearby, a good job and wonderful friends. I still got ensnared by an abuser and for varying reasons had to bide my time to leave. How exactly do you plan on fixing me for the future? Certainly funds may help in a few cases but it is far far more complicated than that usually.

I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with OP. I have a friend who has married an incredibly wealthy and successful business man, and in the process has completely lost her identity. She's sold her car, given up her home and her job to be with him as a 'kept woman' or 'house wife'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it suits them both..my question to her when this was all taking place was 'what if it doesn't work out?' She's left with nothing. No home, no car, no job, no money. She has nothing. Completely reliant on him, she never listened and has found his will which states that she gets nothing. Don't get me wrong they're now married so there would be some dispute, but the fights she would face because of all this. I'd never leave myself in such a vulnerable position, not just financially but also with friends, family, general socialising. We can all be guilty of getting into relationships and letting everyone else fade into the background, but who will be there to pick you back up again if it all comes crumbling down?

It is good advice - I see nothing overly wrong with it as long as it doesn't leave the family short.

One question though - if you found out your OP had a secret account and was squirreling away funds in case the shit hit the fan between you, how would you feel?

I bet if a man posted here on MN and said he had a secret rainy day stash that his wife knew nothing about he would be torn limb from limb.

Is this just for women, or can men do it too?

Notallthat did you read the part where it was not just about money? Or are you focusing on the money in as far as it relates to your situation. Not all advice can cover all eventualities.

As for the future, don't you think we have a responsibility to pass on the benefit for future generations? Whenever someone on this site gets lovebombed, people who have experience of it can point it out to them to be wary. How is this any different?

Worldsworstcook. I think this is advice for everyone. Unfortunately, I'm not like a vast majority of MN who think its one rule for men and women. I was not speaking just to women. Say for example, I was a drug addict or gambler, wouldn't it be sensible for my DH to make sure he had something to fall back on? Or if I died unexpectedly. Being able to access money quickly would assist I think.

outtogetyou scary name by the way
It's for everybody. Anyone can die and anyone can abuse. Protect yourself. Be independent. Don't always want to hang around your DH/DW/OH's friends, have some of your own, be you. Be happy doing so.

Withhindsight
Pinkslinks that is a scary tale, that so many will say could never happen to them.

Thanks, even if I do come across as preachy, I truly believe the advice benefits people. Self-reliance is so important.

I agree its good to be independent in many ways not just financially, its the insinuation that if you are not you have some how caused your own misery, you have to be in a privileged position to start with and many dont have that option. The biggest thing that keeps people in bad relationships is children, maybe we should all stop having them too.

Ok I do agree with the message behind your original post and a lot of your responses make a lot of sense.
I just think the way the message was delivered didn't do you any favours.
As someone who prided myself on my independence, I am a strong and self sufficient person, i still found myself in an abusive relationship. I must admit I did originally take offence to your post.
If people were able to do what you suggest and stay in control of their lives then great but some don't have the tools to do that.
I look at myself now, as a shell of who I once was, I'm getting there but god I've taken a knocking.
The thing is all of the things you advise we should do are all of the things that get taken from you when you're in an abusive relationship.
I was one of the fortunate ones. I had my own property, no dependent children, my own career, salary, good friends and family and I still had to fight every inch of the way to end that relationship. Some just aren't able to do that and the wording in your ok does come across as critical and judgemental.
The message....great in theory, it's common sense. The delivery.....could be been more sensitive.

And the whole world lived happily ever after.

@Alittlebitconfused1 Noted, tonality is key.

@FitBitFanClub one day at a time, it's the dream. Anything constructive?

I often say the best bit of advice I got from my parents was have a career, don't depend on a man for money. It has stood me in good stead over the years through a few failed relationships. Don't chuck your lot in with them. I did take some years out for children but made sure I got back into the work force. I didn't have a career as such until about 35 when I got into something so prize it now. Financial independence has giving me independence.

I know it's not always possible for women but it is something to keep in mind and work towards. There's been a few threads lately where women seem to have moved with their kids from a previous relationship into the new BF's place. Don't give up your home, especially if it's a secure tenancy through council housing. The rate of relationships lasting the course is not high. It's even less for second time around relationships where there is extra baggage involved including children. Secure your life as much as you can. I think that is all the OP is saying.

I do like the extra advice of don't rely on his friendship circle or hobbies. Have something for yourself so you have something to occupy you going through a breakup. I wish I'd realised that before.

given not giving me independence.

I think the OP is just saying it's a good bit of advice for young women and men starting out on their lives. Something to keep in mind.

Not everyone has the self esteem only gained from knowing you have your family behind you to give you good advice and confidence that you can do it alone if you need to

Thing is Branleuse it's not always like that. I had no self-esteem growing up. In fact I've just reread what the OP has put about her mother having an alcoholic father. Mine was too. Very abusive yet he gave me this advice. My mother was trapped and lived the life they didn't want me to have so they had some semblance of right and wrong but I had a terrible childhood the effects of which have lasted into my 50s. I would have been taken into care for less than what I went through nowadays.

So not everyone that has realised what the OP is saying and had the same advice has the self-esteem gained from having a good family behind them. I left a terrible relationship in my 30s. I got out and lived in poverty basically for about 2 years. My parents gave me no confidence but the relationship was bad enough to be a breaking point. Having kids too and not wanting them to have the life you had spurred me on. Even though I'd had this advice from the parents at 18 I didn't follow it but after the breakup of that relationship I did. Slow learner but I got there. This is why I agree with the OP. It needs drumming into people to keep their independence to a degree as the loss can be devastating.

Perhaps what pushed me was seeing what my mother went through and hating her for putting me and my siblings through it. She could have left but didn't and we suffered badly and I don't have a relationship with her now because of it. She had something I never had - a decent, healthy childhood with many siblings who all love each other, and good parents too. I am a stronger person than her, I know that, but I think she failed in her duty as a mother to us. None of my siblings speak to each other either. We all looked fine on the surface growing up - the appearance of nice middle class people - but a lot goes on behind closed doors.

I blame her possibly mother than my father.

more than my father, I meant

On the whole I think OP has a point.

I've not had the success in my career I would have liked and have gone very part time self employed to enable me to be mostly a SAHM.

While I feel very fortunate to be able to do this, I am acutely aware that perhaps the biggest driving factor in getting married to DH was for the financial protection for me and any future children, so that I had rights to my home (his on the deeds and sole mortgage, but mine in every other respect).

I just about manage to make ends meet, but self employment that is seasonal and the impending arrival of DC2 are adding up to a huge amount of pressure and worry for me. While DH is providing a roof over my head and covering the running cost of my car, if I find myself needing money, I have to ask for it because despite many many conversations about how humiliating it is for me, we still have no arrangement for access to money when I need it.

It makes me resent him and his success in his career. It makes parenting harder because I can't do a lot of the things I would like to do with DD and it impacts my mental health, sense of self worth, security in my marriage and my relationship with DH. I'm psychologically at my limit and he just laughs it off. How am I going to work with two under two? I could cry thinking about it.

So how do I have the conversation with him and negotiate access to finances so that I can have enough spare for a rainy day? I see lots of these threads but there's frequently little or no advice on getting the man to understand the true impact on the stay at home partner.

Tone is the key to advice like this and the sensitivity of the person who is on the recieving end.
On the whole I think OP is right and I recieved very similar advice from my mother who fled from an abusive partner repeatedly during my childhood. "Always have running away money," along with a gift of cash was her present to me on my wedding day. Followed by,
" dont loose yourself" after children.
The first bit of advice was easy to follow the second not so much. But knowing these things are options to follow and not avoid have helped keep my head above water.

So you're a married woman with savings?

Erm Im a woman who recieved similar advice and found that it usefull. What does my bank account have to do with it.

Mybaby

In short, I have no idea. He is not doing your 'work'. He doesn't understand. I dont know how it works in your relationship, but you are no longer on the same page if he doesn't listen to your concerns.

Maybe someone more experienced can come up with something.