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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This anxiety is killing me!

95 replies

MozzchopsThirty · 06/02/2018 18:40

So before Xmas I was hooked on by a lovebomber
It lasted 4 weeks and totally shook my confidence

I met a guy in January OLD, we've had 4 dates, had great sex, everything fine, then we had a few cross words about sex last night and he said he was annoyed and refused to answer my phonecall to explain

And today he hasn't messaged once

I feel sick, I've barely eaten, I'm so anxious that it's happening all over again

Please be kind, I'm feeling so low

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 07/02/2018 17:41

@MozzchopsThirty

Sorry to hear that you're distressed. You might be stressed with all the responsibilities too and this might be contributing to your general anxiety?

How long have you been single after your divorce?

Lettucepray · 07/02/2018 18:13

I'd lay off dating till you are more in control of your self. Really need to be careful about meeting strangers off the internet, letting them into your home and having unprotected sex?? Any relationship worth having will move at a slower pace, this one sounds like classic love bombing. If there is a pattern of picking wrong 'uns then you perhaps need some counselling to address that.

MozzchopsThirty · 07/02/2018 21:02

I just never seem to get the men shit right

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 07/02/2018 21:05

Well you got the job/degree shit right! I got neither! 😩

Shayelle · 07/02/2018 21:10

You sound really lovely op. We are all sucked in by bullshitters and fakers every now and then. Please be kinder to yourself. Youre your own best friend.. why you being so hard on yourself. It feels tough right now but in a couple of days i promise you you’ll feel brighter x

soon2bejobless · 07/02/2018 21:19

Mozzchops - I've been through something similar. I got over it. How? By going on a He-tox.

A PP mentioned that you got hooked on the guy, or so you think, because of all those sex hormones flooding your body. Well, she's right!

You are suffering because Oxytocin - the bonding hormone released in large quantities during sex for women (but not men) - is working its evil magic on you. And now you're hooked.

The only way to "get over" him is to literally cut off all contact - or go cold turkey. Don't underestimate the relief and peace of mind you'll have by blocking him and deleting his number. That way you're in control, even though you don't feel that way. Don't worry - just fake it till you make it and it will happen!

As I said, this happened to me and I did cut him off "cold turkey". Through sheer bloodymindedness I never contacted him again, even though I was heartbroken. That's because I really believed in what I was doing.

Months later he came crawling back (they always do), but by that time I'd met someone else I liked better Grin

So, hun, it's He-tox time. You can do it!

MozzchopsThirty · 07/02/2018 21:43

Thank you shay I really appreciate that Smile
And soon2bejobless I know exactly what you're saying and what I need to do

I have blocked, then unblocked, but now blocked again
I've been to the gym, haven't had a drink and watching my favourite doc on Netflix which makes me giggle and reminds me of a great holiday with dd last year

I know I just need to get through these few days, it's the hardest

My dd just text me 'why do you even care? You didn't love him, you've been through worse and no one died'
Yeah thanks dd Grin

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 07/02/2018 22:18

If I remember rightly you've been agonising over this guy since day 1....... it was never going go fly. I think if you feel you are repeating the same patterns then next time you have to really actively force yourself to do the exact opposite of what you would have done previously, in every aspect. Whether it be texting, sex, meeting up, whatever. Have the courage to switch it 360.

MozzchopsThirty · 08/02/2018 07:37

Yep I was, from day 1
After the lovebomber I was just so anxious
Tbh I only left it 4 weeks between them
I think you're right, and if I always do what I've always done then I'll always get what I've always got 💁🏼‍♀️

I really do need a break

I have lots of things to concentrate on right now, professionally in particular

OP posts:
Shayelle · 08/02/2018 07:42

How you feeling today op x

Dozer · 08/02/2018 08:08

OLD can be brutal, there are a lot of twats, and you don’t sound “robust” enough to deal with the twattery at present!

If you wish to continue to date OL, important to consciously try not to get invested quickly or make assumptions about what people or like how good a bf someone might be from their early behaviour, which might be genuine or a front. If you’re becoming super anxious about messages and things it’s probably not the right thing to be doing.

HTH546 · 08/02/2018 09:07

I think a step away from dating might help for a while

MozzchopsThirty · 08/02/2018 09:42

Thank you for asking shay I feel much better today
Still getting pangs of 'why' and blaming myself
But I am who I am 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can't pretend to be someone else just to please

I'm trying to think of all the things that weren't very nice:
He hardly ever asked about me, my job or my kids but talked a lot about his work
He would always be up and gone the mornings after, there was always a reason to get away
When he came to my house he said 'what's that smell, it's awful' - I had an oil diffuser on
The morning after he made some comment about me not looking as dressy as when we'd previously gone out - despite my having clearly worn a much dressier top and had my hair done
He said the only reason he married his wife was because he felt it was time to settle down and everyone else wanted her

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 09:44

Glad you posted OP. now next time instead of thinking of all their faults post-break up, notice at the time and if you're not happy , stop seeing them. It's brutal but simple.

LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 09:45

Also, what you just said about not changing is true and for him too, he is what he is. Nobody should need to change for another person. This wasn't a good fit for either of you, tis all 😊

Myheartbelongsto · 08/02/2018 09:52

You sound lovely op and he sounds like an arse wipe after your last message about his wife.

What a shit stain.

feska5 · 08/02/2018 09:58

You don’t need to change. You sound lovely and very together. Next time you meet someone perhaps take things more slowly and don’t invest too soon. I’m glad you managed to think of a few things that weren’t so nice about him. Keep those things in mind and move on. He wasn’t for you.

MozzchopsThirty · 08/02/2018 10:40

And I've just seen him on the dating website again

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 10:47

Also. This is my personal advice. Me and DH are a Tinder 'success' story (so far..!!) So this is my stance. I think it's really not helpful when people start chiming in and labelling men in this situation 'twats' or 'shit stains' The relationship didn't progress (or maybe it still will yet...) This doesnt mean the man is Satan. I think if you fall into the habit of being encouraged to believe that every man who a relationship didnt progress with for whatever reason is an idiot or waste of space then you will program yourself to believe you only ever go for idiots. You will start believing that you only attract idiots and you will start to expect to fail.

On MN it is SO prevalent for the vultures to descend to pick the guy to death in this scenarios and label him all sorts of atrocious things. It's bitter and unpleasant and it might be those posters versions of being 'supportive' but it's actually incredible negative re-inforcement, juvenile and judgemental. Lots of these posters will be serial daters of 'idiots' or decidely man-free till death - which is fine by the way - but they seem to have no self-reflection skills whatsoever.

Going into any kind of relationship starts as a 50/50 thing. Now there are obvious wasters who from the outset, just want to mess about because they dont have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship at all and will flag it up very clearly for you to ignore at your leisure. We're not talking about those. We're talking about a normal, nice, fallible bloke. He has his faults. But what are yours? What are you bringing to the relationship? You have to self-reflect. When it ends , you have to have the emotional maturity to say, we weren't suited so this has come to a natural end, not to condemn the guy - because when you do that what you actually do is undermine your own choices - and that can only give you a lack of confidence going forward in your choices. Every relationship/four week thing is a learning opportunity for growth as a woman. How you treat people and how they treat you.

Very few men who are dating are true nasty bastards. They are hurt, defensive, needy, dismissive and clumsy, just like women.

This isn't aimed at you OP. It's about remembering how to have an adult emotionally mature relationship. It's about letting the foundations build themselves. It's also about letting it go if it's really not going to make you happy. It's absolutely about not changing for anyone but being emotionally sensible. It's also not, in any sense of the word about texting.

I have been with my DH for 3+ years now, married 6 months, met on Tinder, no chats were had, no stresses about texting even though we are sometimes both shit at it. We argue, we make up we're really happy. He's a knob at times and he would say the same about me but that's relationships. They have to grow. So yes, that's my two pennies.

You sound ace OP and I think you just need to believe that you've got excellent taste in men, it's just the timing hasn't been quite right so far for either of you. Believe in better and send exes off (through gritted teeth if necessary) with good wishes not typical one sided MN bile. It's cathartic and freeing I promise you.

Granville72 · 08/02/2018 10:54

I think you've had a lucky escape.

How about taking a break from dating and getting yourself in a better place mentally? You seem just a little too invested / hooked after just 4 dates and then devastated when it's gone sour.

Maybe after a break from dating take it a lot slower, not be in such a rush to jump in to bed with someone, just have fun and not invest so much emotionally in to it.

But most of all, be kind to yourself, be you and happy Flowers

Dozer · 08/02/2018 10:55

This one does sound like a twat though. If having sex with someone - and even if not - it’s simply polite to keep in touch or end the relationship if that’s your decision.

MozzchopsThirty · 08/02/2018 10:55

Lesis that was a great post
I do try and the previous lovebomber I realised had lots of issues and actually it wasn't anything to do with me

I know I've been a little aggressive in my needs with this one but we were very similar and it will always be the best first date I ever had

I'm utterly gutted he's back old this morning but I guess my initial instincts were correct and he is a bit of a player
And for anyone wondering why I was on there, yes I went to look and see if he was

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 08/02/2018 11:02

I don't even think bad of him to be honest for going straight back on OLD - he might have been checking to see if you were on there also, why would he not, you're a high value women who he knows could get someone easily. You see? Smile That or the break up such as it is has left him needing an immediate ego-stroke (nothing so bad about that, we all need a boost) . Or he's a player. But the main thing is. You're not an arsehole and neither is he - it's the wrong time and when your raw feelings have subsided and he's not important you'll be able to see that you did good by thinking good thoughts instead of undermining yourself Smile

Dozer · 08/02/2018 12:17

Why would you think it’ll always be the best first date you’ve ever had? It is SO FAR!

Lettucepray · 08/02/2018 13:49

=LesisMiserable

Sorry but he IS a knob!! Your experience is just that, your experience. It is a well known fact that there are many utter knob heads old, the players, the marrieds and those simply perusing sex for their own ends.

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