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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Do you just do this to make me angry?"

72 replies

BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:01

My partner and I always argue and it really brings me down. He doesn't do anything around the house at all unless I ask. I hate asking because he moans at me and in general it just makes me really unhappy having to nag someone/be called a nag. He never does anything at all off his own back and it just makes me feel totally unloved.

Anyway tonight I was doing about 3/4 different housework things. Not petty monthly jobs, I never get round to doing those, just stuff that needed to be done. He had already moaned at me for asking for a hand to put the shopping away and then was standing watching me do everything so I asked him to clean the oven. It's disgusting and it hasn't been cleaned in about two years. I'm ashamed to say we have a young child as well so it's kinda a priority to have it clean and I suddenly thought to myself, why do I need to be the one to do it so I asked him. His response, "do you just do this to make me angry?"

He's not a violent partner and he'd never hit me but as soon as he said it I felt disgusted. I don't know if I am being OTT here but to me that's just a really threatening and shitty thing to say to a partner. It's made me really feel dislike towards him and I feel sadder than ever. If i ever ask him to do anything he will always deliberately wait and sometimes he won't respond to me when I ask. I find that a bit obnoxious as it is but this has just left me feeling really crap altogether. If I am being unreasonable or over-dramatic please tell me? How would you deal with this? I'm sick of crying to him every few weeks about how sad I am that he treats me like this and that all I want is some help with things. It gets me nowhere evidently.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/02/2018 22:05

If you asked me to clean the oven randomly one evening I’d think you were doing it to cause an arguement frankly. If it hasn’t been cleaned in 2 years it can wait until the weekend.

However, he sounds like a complete twat, who is making you very unhappy & who isn’t going to change, so I’d be out of there.

Dancingfairy · 05/02/2018 22:06

It doesn't sound like a threat? Not to me anyway. The oven hasn't been cleaned in two years?! If you was single would you just not clean it then? It's annoying he doesn't do things but I guess you've been letting him get away with it dice the begining so now he wonders why he has to do it.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 05/02/2018 22:11

Why is the oven suddenly urgent?!

If he is unkind and unhelpful, talk to him, or if things are really bad (and you do sound down) .... leave

But yeah, that was a random request, after both of you having happily left it dirty for 2 years

Dancingfairy · 05/02/2018 22:15

I don't understand how two adults with two kids haven't managed to find the time to clean an oven in 2 years. You both sound as bad as each other tbh. Him for not doing it and you for letting him get away with it for so long.

Original poster
BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:16

It wasn't meant to cause an argument. It was on my list of things to do tonight because it had been put off for so long and I just thought if I keep putting it off it won't get done. I totally didn't think it would be the wrong time to ask for help with that.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 05/02/2018 22:20

So you now know how he is, and he has now told you loud and clear that he regards you asking him to do anything to help around the house as intolerable and he won't have it. He has dug his heels in a little harder each time, and you have put up with it. Well you have made a bit of noise, but he can ignore that. Now he will start to close down the whole topic once and for all.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation? Are you prepared to do all the house work in order to keep the peace, to keep your relationship? Do you want to be unhappy, day after day of unloved and uncounted misery? Soon you will be screaming inside, and paradoxically grateful if he is occasionally nice to you.

Me, I would get rid of him.

Karigan1 · 05/02/2018 22:23

I’m pretty sure the oven wouldn’t have spontaneously combusted if you hadn’t cleaned it. Personally I think you were looking for a fight. So yeah you probably did do it to make him angry. Monday’s suck as it is without someone depending the oven gets cleaned.

Catbot · 05/02/2018 22:24

I get you Bread, my husband can be like this although it has got better over time. Asking him to clean the oven at that point probably would get his back up but what you're saying is he never helps and turns it on you by calling you a nag (I've been called that too, it is SO disrespectful Angry)

Something I've found works, if I get him at the right moment, is to say "If I do this, could you do that?" He's slowly picked up what needs to happen.

It's easy to say LTB but in real life not so simple. Would he go to Relate with you so you could have a bit of mediation?

Dancingfairy · 05/02/2018 22:25

So do you feed the kids food cooked on the "disgusting oven?"

Original poster
BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:29

Okay so i should've picked a different day to clean the oven. I thought a Friday or Saturday would be worse Confused but I didn't do it to fight, believe me. I am too tired to fight, I just wanted a hand and was annoyed at the thought of having to do everything myself again.

OP posts:
Catbot · 05/02/2018 22:31

So OP has brought all this on herself for "letting him get away with it" and not cleaning the oven herself? Hmm

OP, you'd better just suck it up then.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 05/02/2018 22:32

Some of you are missing the point - he was stood watching her doing housework.
It doesn’t matter what she asked him to do he would have said the same whatever.

Original poster
BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:32

Thanks Catbot. I don't know, i could suggest it I suppose and see what he says. I'd rather try and resolve things for my child's sake. I do often use that phrase as well or I ask him to 'do me a favour' which makes me feel like a complete wipe!

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 05/02/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:35

Please don't just start slagging me off for having a dirty oven. I know it should be clean and I feel crap enough about the state of it without any unhelpful digs. Besides, you'd probably have a lot more to slag me off about if you saw my house in general Smile

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/02/2018 22:38

OP

He's not helping you or doing you a favor - this language suggests these are your tasks

They aren't

You are doing his share at the moment and he's shearling his responsibilities to be a grown up in a shared house

Have a 'businesss meeting'

List the jobs and discuss how you divide them up

You cook he washes up
You bath the baby he reads the story
You shop he unloads

Theme tick to it

You wouldn't let a friend treat you like this would you?

GreenTulips · 05/02/2018 22:39

oven pride is your friend

Sling it in
Leave over night
Rince clean

May need doing a few times in that state

£4 complete bargain and no overpowering odors

hollowtree · 05/02/2018 22:40

I think you're getting a hard time OP! You definitely shouldn't be left to deal with all the housework on your own. And I would think "you're just doing this to make me angry" was a shit thing to say.

I'm a gobshite though and said "you're NOT doing it just to make me angry. Like everything else you don't do".

It's not your job to train him ffs, and it's not because you've 'enabled him' that he's like it. In an equal partnership he should want to help and support you- and I sense that's the real thing you wanted help with.

Not helping, ignoring your requests and making you feel rubbish is not how a good, equal partner should treat you. This does need addressing with him because I don't see how he can make you happy, behaving this way. I certainly wouldn't be.

LovingLola · 05/02/2018 22:42

You have got much bigger issues than a dirty oven.
Do you talk to each other? Do you still get on with each other? Do you want to be together?

Dieu · 05/02/2018 22:42

Don't worry about some of the arsey, blaming responses on here, OP. And my oven could do with a clean. In fact, it omits burning smells every time I turn it on. Blush

Mysteriouscurle · 05/02/2018 22:44

Dancingfairy are you deliberately being nasty? Op sounds like she does everything around the house and avoids asking her partner as he makes a fuss and gets annoyed at her. has no one ever treated you badly but you found it difficult to stand up to them? Lucky youHmm

oneggshellsallthetime · 05/02/2018 22:46

He moans because he has no intention of helping you - doesn't view anything along the lines of housework as his job and he doesn't care enough about you to shift his arse/lift a finger. And he turns you asking him into 'nagging' to make you look and feel bad.

I think the fact you mention he isn't violent towards you is telling. In as much as if that is the only 'redeeming' feature he has then your situation is grim...
His response, "do you just do this to make me angry?"is what partners say to 'up the ante' and put you off raising the request again. You can't win. He sounds selfish and uncaring with no intention of changing. In this situation you'd be better off without him because at least you'd not be wasting any emotional energy over him.

Original poster
BreadEggsSalmon · 05/02/2018 22:50

Thanks hollowtree. I just wish he wanted to help and support me, even more so because we have a young child as well.

We do get on and can have a laugh at times and we have spoken about it (more times than I care to remember) but it just goes round in circles so I feel a bit lost about what to do. I don't want to not be with him because I do love him but i just want him to want to make me feel happy.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 05/02/2018 22:56

Do you think he loves you?

madeyemoodysmum · 05/02/2018 22:57

Why so harsh on the op everyone

Ok bad timing. On the oven it wasn't great but her dp sounds like a lazy selfish misogynistic twat who thinks women should do everything.

I say shape up to him or get out.

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