'Do you just do this to make me angry?"

[BreadEggsSalmon]

My partner and I always argue and it really brings me down. He doesn't do anything around the house at all unless I ask. I hate asking because he moans at me and in general it just makes me really unhappy having to nag someone/be called a nag. He never does anything at all off his own back and it just makes me feel totally unloved.

Anyway tonight I was doing about 3/4 different housework things. Not petty monthly jobs, I never get round to doing those, just stuff that needed to be done. He had already moaned at me for asking for a hand to put the shopping away and then was standing watching me do everything so I asked him to clean the oven. It's disgusting and it hasn't been cleaned in about two years. I'm ashamed to say we have a young child as well so it's kinda a priority to have it clean and I suddenly thought to myself, why do I need to be the one to do it so I asked him. His response, "do you just do this to make me angry?"

He's not a violent partner and he'd never hit me but as soon as he said it I felt disgusted. I don't know if I am being OTT here but to me that's just a really threatening and shitty thing to say to a partner. It's made me really feel dislike towards him and I feel sadder than ever. If i ever ask him to do anything he will always deliberately wait and sometimes he won't respond to me when I ask. I find that a bit obnoxious as it is but this has just left me feeling really crap altogether. If I am being unreasonable or over-dramatic please tell me? How would you deal with this? I'm sick of crying to him every few weeks about how sad I am that he treats me like this and that all I want is some help with things. It gets me nowhere evidently.

He obviously sees any household job as your job and this is unlikely to change.

Do you want to live your life like this and have your child think this is normal?

Cleaning and chores aside, he's making you feel unloved and unhappy and you need to address it with him. The "shut up or leave" approach isn't that helpful when you've got a young child yo consider and as you say, you do love him. I think my DH is similar to yours (a man child) and there are times I think fuck it, I'm off, but we are getting better at communication just through me chipping away.

Do you have some girlfriends you can talk to? I find it helps!

"I'd rather try and resolve things for my child's sake"

Why when his own father treats you with such utter contempt?. His comment was deliberate and designed to put you on the back foot. He only values his own self here; he would happily watch you knock yourself out with housework because he sees that as your job, not his. Staying for the sake of the child never works out well.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?
What needs of yours are being met here?

He does not have to hit you to hurt you, what he is doing here works for him and is working because you are going to him upset every few weeks. He is enjoying seeing your discomfort and yes you feel unloved because you really are unloved. If you seem almost relieved that he does not hit you then that also shows me that your relationship bar is far too low in the first place.

What do you think your child is learning about relationships here from the two of you?. Would you want this for them too, no you would not. So why is this acceptable still to you on some level?. Leaving is never easy but its better than to put up with this person acting as your overseer and master.

Your oven is the very least of problems here; its a symptom of the underlying cause i.e. this man refusing to do anything that is deemed not important to him. This man's sole interest in life is getting his needs met. You are not his priority here and never have been.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?

My post was the first (reply) post. Care to tell me what exactly was ridiculous & infuriating about it

Your spouse asks you to do something that needs doing, and you assume they asked you to make you angry? Yes, you sound like a twat.

Sorry you got some stupid responses first, OP. Your husband sounds bloody awful, and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling threatened and disillusioned.

I don't think you're being OTT at all. You asked him to do something very simple, helping put the shopping away, he refuses and stands there watching you struggle. He is a selfish arse who clearly has a great deal of contempt for you. I would get out of this toxic situation as soonas you can. Do you have much rl support? I do find some of the initial blaming responses you received unbelievable.

I cannot believe that people who posted such unhelpful crap on this thread are actually trying to justify it.

@AnnieAnoniMouse I clearly wasn’t the only one to think you sounded like a twat. Now you sound more like one. Why not on a Monday night. It has to be some time - the reason these things never get done is because there’s always a better time. You said he sounded like a twat but you also agreed with him so..

I am married to a man who does his share. I still carry most of the mental load but, hey, I'm OK with it as it is.

He will spontaneously food shop, cook, clean, tidy and do laundry. No "reminding" necessary: the floor is mucky, he gets the mop out; he says let's have a roast on Sunday then goes and buys all the food and we cook it together or negotiate who does while the other does something else.

My DH is an alpha male manly man. Other men certainly don't look at him as being "pussy-whipped" and he doesn't seem to feel that way himself. He's just a normal adult doing normal adult life management. He has quite a sneer for men who claim not to know how to work a washing machine or can't dress their children without help.

Yours is unusual. HTH.

Thank you for all your replies.
I have my sister as a really good support and she understands because she sees what it's like firsthand. I'm not saying I am the perfect partner at all in any way, I know I have my own faults but I never do anything I know would hurt or upset him and I just don't get why you would tp someone you love. After reading your responses I can't help but think this is a dead end. I took to mumsnet last night because I couldn't stand the thought of another conversation about it. Its getting me nowhere and I just always end up crying and he doesn't even look at me half the time. I thought we had a breakthrough months ago when he admitted stuff and basically just said to me he was being a nasty c##t but he didn't know why but promised to change. He said he doesn't have the same instinct to know when things need done so I've to write him a list so tried that and it didn't last. He uses the excuse that I like to be in control so its best just to let me do everything even though I've pretty much begged him to help me time and time again. I feel so fucking depressed about this all. The house is a tip and my relationship is a mess.

He will never change, he is a nasty bully, it is who he is, and you continually trying to please and appease him confirms to him that he is right.
The stuff about telling you to write a list was his way of making his own failings and faults into your problem, so he could blame you yet again. I would put money on nothing ever being his fault, he will always lay the blame elsewhere, am I right?

Have a think about doing the Freedom Programme, you can do it on line now IIRC.

Does he do anything round the house ?

Cook? Wash his clothes? Iron? Food shopping?

If the answer is ‘no’ I’d be tempted to stop doing these types of things for him. If he asks why you haven’t tell him it’s his turn. Or you could use his own language on him. I know it’s childish but it would really piss me off if I had to ask my dp to help me unpack the shopping if he was just stood there watching.

Or you could just write a list of everything that needs doing on a daily, weekly and monthly basis (even cleaning the oven) and ask him to pick 50% of the items and these are his responsibility, and if he chooses not to do them then so be it, chances are some will have to be done if he wants clean clothes or to eat

To be really honest, he would not care about cooking or doing dishes, he would eat takeaway and would happily let me do other things that he knows I wouldn't leave so as not to harm my son (e.g. not clean the bathroom etc). He would take his washing to his mum's and she would do it without a word said. She would also make him meals as well.

I tried the list thing but to be honest it really got on my nerves because I would do half and show him I'd done half and because I wanted to sit and eat a meal or watch something on TV he would think, why is she not doing anything and then just wouldn't bother. He also said I just nagged with the lists, even though he also said that he needed a list as he didn't know what needed done. Would walk past an overflowing bin, pile of dishes/washing etc. I felt like writing on the list one day 'Be a partner'

That behaviour would destroy my love for a person.

Your DS will grow up to be like his dad because that's what you are teaching him about roles in relationships. His dad will teach him how to trick women into being his servant. By the time he's a teenager I reckon you will be the same as DH's mum if you don't fix this.

Of course he ignores the list and the bin. In his mind it is all your work. You woman. Him man. Him sit on arse watching TV. Woman is house maid. Is normal for him.

OP, I can assure you that 2 years is common amongst women I know with a life, please don’t beat yourself up!!

Op, I don't know why you are
getting a hard time.
You have married a man child, and I'm sorry to say I have no advice. But I can on to say that i didn't clean my oven for years when my kids were little, don't feel bad about it.

Some disgusting responses on the first page of this thread, yet again women being held accountable for men's behaviour - what's new?

OP the bottom line is he doesn't respect you and sees you as beneath him. An appliance that would be better if it just shut up nagging all the time.

I really think you need to leave, this is such a bad message to send you DC, and terrible for you too.

My partner is a grown man and therefore is more than capable of pulling his weight. He cooks pretty much every night, puts shopping away that he has gone to buy for us, hoovers, does his own ironing, and can even clean the loo! If men can managed to run the world, they can run a fucking house.

Just a quick word about "nagging", that is a term used by men about something they do not want to hear, so they give it a little twist and turn it back on you, so that you become the one at fault, not them.

They are using language as a way of controlling and belittling your valid requests for help. So stop thinking of it as nagging and start thinking of it as men trying to silence you.

Thank you for your replies. So supportive I cried reading them.

With regards to the oven, it wasn't really the point of my post but yes, my reasoning was that it needed done so didn't want to put it off any longer. Also I tend to like spending the weekend doing lots of things with my son and partner as its the only time they see each other.

I definitely, definitely was NOT trying to argue. I hate confrontation so 9 times out of 10 I just get on and do stuff and avoid any conversation so that I don't 'nag'.

Thank you to those of you who don't say I enable him or blame me for his behaviour I really appreciate that. The way I see it when you love someone you just want to do everything to make them happy and he doesn't seem to do that.

He was really romantic in the beginning (usual story) but over the last few years he's never offered to make dinner or surprise me with doing anything I fantasise all the time about what that would be like

Sit down together, make a big list together of what needs doing and how regularly.
Go through it together and tick off who does what and how often. Put it into your online calendars as action points, with reminders sent automatically. Let technology nag him, not you.

Ultimately eggsbaconsalmon you need to leave this man. Drawing up lists is pointless as well as infantalising; he as an adult (well he is more like a kidult) knows what needs doing around the house and simply regards all the work within your home as your job. He will never comply with lists.

Your son really cannot afford to become a carbon copy of his father here, staying with this man will show him that yes this is how women are treated in relationships.

This man's mother clearly did all the housework whilst her own H and son (now your so called partner) sat around and looked down on her. Do not repeat the mistakes that she made here.