'Do you just do this to make me angry?"

[BreadEggsSalmon]

My partner and I always argue and it really brings me down. He doesn't do anything around the house at all unless I ask. I hate asking because he moans at me and in general it just makes me really unhappy having to nag someone/be called a nag. He never does anything at all off his own back and it just makes me feel totally unloved.

Anyway tonight I was doing about 3/4 different housework things. Not petty monthly jobs, I never get round to doing those, just stuff that needed to be done. He had already moaned at me for asking for a hand to put the shopping away and then was standing watching me do everything so I asked him to clean the oven. It's disgusting and it hasn't been cleaned in about two years. I'm ashamed to say we have a young child as well so it's kinda a priority to have it clean and I suddenly thought to myself, why do I need to be the one to do it so I asked him. His response, "do you just do this to make me angry?"

He's not a violent partner and he'd never hit me but as soon as he said it I felt disgusted. I don't know if I am being OTT here but to me that's just a really threatening and shitty thing to say to a partner. It's made me really feel dislike towards him and I feel sadder than ever. If i ever ask him to do anything he will always deliberately wait and sometimes he won't respond to me when I ask. I find that a bit obnoxious as it is but this has just left me feeling really crap altogether. If I am being unreasonable or over-dramatic please tell me? How would you deal with this? I'm sick of crying to him every few weeks about how sad I am that he treats me like this and that all I want is some help with things. It gets me nowhere evidently.

Hmm... no easy way around it I'm afraid. It's all about communication for us

Gosh OP, that sounds terrible. I wonder if he doesn’t do anything just to make YOU angry?

I can kind of understand pp how it can come across if it’s mentioned randomly, but honestly if you’re doing all of these things and some at once then in your position I myself would try and make a point!

It sounds like it was a bit frantic you trying to get everything done, so its not like you had the chance to have a full blown conversation about it before asking! At the point of him just watching you, it would have been nice of him to ask what he can do to help, but he didn’t.

My dh isn’t the most domestic person ( can’t think of a word), but he will always ask what he can do, or join in if I’m tidying or he’ll put the shopping away on his own. He does need to be reminded about the once a month type jobs, and if there’s a lot going on sometimes I do just drop it in randomly when I remember it (like can you go and fill that hole in the wall) but the smaller jobs he puts in the effort, sometimes more than me.

I’d feel the same as you about your OH response to be honest, and if talking doesn’t resolve it I’d tell him to do his own housework and you’ll do yours. You can do your own washing etc and he his, then when its not done the only person who would be ‘making him angry’ is him, the bellend.

You are with a bully, a lazy bully at that.

He's letting you do all the menial tasks so that you know you are inferior to him, and he's speaking to you in such a vile way to reinforce the fact that you are inferior to him. He will not change, it suits him to have someone to belittle and criticise, to make himself feel superior.

Start a running away fund first thing tomorrow!

He's a lazy passive aggressive pos!
You're wasting your timed energy on him OP. You would be better off single than have his lazy arse cluttering up your home!
The chances of him ever changing into a decent partner are very slim
and tbh you deserve a lot better than him.

He had already moaned at me for asking for a hand to put the shopping away

Why was it giving you a hand? Does he not eat the food?

Next time he moans because you don't want to do his share of the work maybe you should ask "do you just do this to make me angry?

He's not a violent partner and he'd never hit me What a strange thing to say. I have only heard it said by women who have been intimidated and pushed around but not actually punched yet. I mean, I'd never even think to say that about my DH in a complaint about lazy fuckery and being a bit of a twat. Why did you randomly state that you don't think he would actually ever punch you in the face?

When you imagine life completely without him, how does that feel?

The first few responses on here are ridiculous and infuriating. The man is a total twat who expects a fucking maid and household drudge for a partner just because she is female.

So fucking what if the OP hasn’t cleaned the oven. He hasn’t cleaned it either. It’s really not in any way a health hazard.

She shouldn’t have to ask and he is not ‘helping’ because he’s not fucking five years old. He should be doing an equal amount of housework in his own house because IT IS NOT HER JOB.

mykingdom 👏👏

I can’t believe you’re getting such a hard time OP. I left my husband recently for the same reason. I was left to do everything and he complained whenever asked to do his share. The dynamic of your relationship will not change. It will only get worse now you have children and there’s more to be done. At some point you will say to yourself ‘fuck this, my child and I deserve to live with an adult who respects us and takes proper care of us’. My crunch point came when a close family member got very ill and I wasn’t able to rely on my husband for support. He refused to take on the daily drudgery whilst I cared for someone else I loved who was dying. You’ll have a last straw moment too. I hope it’s sooner rather than later for your sake. Start planning how you’ll cope financially if you were to separate even if you’re not ready to take that step at this time. X

To me what he said was quite shitty and I thought maybe some people might assume he is violent because - as I said to him a couple of minutes later - his remark was the kind of thing I'd expect someone to say who is physically violent towards their partner.

I feel like it's really intimidating. I do so much because I dread the thought of asking for help. The arguments just make me depressed and sad that he even argues about it instead of realising how much I do and wanting to help me not feel so bloody misreable all the time.

If I only ever did my own housework the house would be a complete mess as he doesn't care at all.

Sorry, I should have explained that better. If I said to him, okay I'll do my housework and you do yours, he would leave things in a mess and I don't want that for my child. My house is messy and I am not in any way super tidy, I am just talking about stuff like taking the bins out etc.

Are there actually partners out there that do stuff voluntarily or at least don't moan? Do they exist?

It sounds threatening to me OP. I can understand if you felt shaken up.

That sounds awful Bookywooky, I'm really sorry to hear that.

I have absolutely no idea what life would be like without him. Living separately we would probably get on great but how on earth do you explain that to a child. He's too young at the moment but if he had been around to hear that comment I would have been so angry. I really don't want him to think that that's okay

MyKingdomForBrie.

The first few responses on here are ridiculous and infuriating. The man is a total twat who expects a fucking maid and household drudge for a partner just because she is female

My post was the first (reply) post. Care to tell me what exactly was ridiculous & infuriating about it?

I agree with @TitaniasCloset and what you say OP. It does sound like something an abusive partner says.

If you feel theres no way of him changing, then I think you really need to think about your future together. It’s not fair on you, and its not fair on your dc. You could end up ill from being rundown and stressed.

When my and dh first moved in together, we were very young I did a lot more than him. At one point I got so fed up that I just left everything for a week, until he had no choice but to wash the pots if he wanted a coffee or to eat. But as I say, we were young and with no dc it was different, and it was more of a flat to drink and party than ‘home’. Now that we’ve ‘grown up’, he does pull his weight a lot. Not perfect, but then neither am I.
I think some people can change from doing nothing to doing something, but I also think that if this hasn’t happened once dc are there and you have a proper home together, then it never will.

I know its hard and scary to think about leaving someone but honestly, this isn’t an isolated incident, can you really see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to?

If he wouldn’t do his share, do you think you could keep the place clean and tidy enough for you and dc but just pile up his washing somehwere and let him run out of clothes?
I only mention washing as that’s the only thing I can think of that would affect him and only him, if its kept to one side.
If he argues you just need to say you don’t have time.

It’s probably a bit PA, but honestly what other choice do you have apart from leaving him?

(took me a while to type this as poorly hand so there may be lots of cross posts!)

You should dump him & marry me. When I was married I used to cook dinners, wash up, bathed the kids, done the ironing, done the weekly shop (taking the kids with me) & then unpacked it all & put it away. I also worked full time & she was either a SAHM or worked p/t. 2 weeks ago I dropped the kids off at their home to find her ill in bed & the day before's shopping (delivered as she doesn't drive) still in the hallway. Whilst I got the kids to put the shopping away I spent 30 mins doing 3 loads of washing up as it had all piled up in the sink. I know she had been unwell but its not uncommon to find empty plates everywhere when I go in to pick the kids up.

However, I would never think of cleaning the oven on a weekday evening, That sort of thing is a weekend chore - and a whole morning or afternoon at that.

Yes @AnnieAnoniMouse I can - you said that if you were asked to clean the oven you would assume the OP was looking for an argument. Even though the oven needed to be cleaned, and if you didn’t do it your partner, who you were watching do other housework chores, would have to do it.

OP wanted to share the load. You suggest she ‘wanted an argument’. So she should just do her chores in silence like a good little girl then eh?

Fucking ridiculous.

MyKingdomForBrie. I said... If you asked me to clean the oven randomly one evening I’d think you were doing it to cause an arguement frankly. If it hasn’t been cleaned in 2 years it can wait until the weekend

The rest you conjured up in your own head.

Cleaning an oven isn’t a ‘this isn’t a needs doing right now’ job. It’s a ‘when I’ve got time to do it properly job’. It hasn’t been done in two years, no one HAD to do it tonight.

OP ‘wanted to share the load’. 🙄 Cleaning an oven on a Monday night, after a day at work, doesn’t need to be part of ‘the load’ at all. Dinner, dishes, lunches, laundry...sure. Cleaning the oven that’s not be cleaned in two years? Nope.

So she should just do her chores in silence like a good little girl then eh?

. Don’t be bloody ridiculous. That’s not what I said at all.

I also said he was a twat she should get rid of, but you conveniently ignored that part!

Your choices are, put up and shut up (his preferred option), put up and don't shut up or leave. This is who he is and you not accepting that this is who he is, doesn't change things.

Yes, your relationship is a terrible example to your child and handwringing ain't going to change it. Waiting for him to be someone different is a strategy that hasn't worked, unfortunately, this is the price for being in a relationship with this man.

He's happy with the status quo, which means the ball is in your court.

Contempt, disrespect and a rubbish relationship role model for your child, is the price you and your child pay for the times you 'get on' with this man, only you can decide if that very high price is worth it.

He doesn't sound like he has any interest in changing and doing his fair share of the housework, OP.

So, you can see this as your life and teach your child that housework is woman's work, or you can think of living separately. Parents separating gets harder as the children get older.