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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I claim maintenance even if it causes rift between XH and I?

85 replies

springchickenn · 05/02/2018 20:56

I've never had a formal arrangement with ExH for maintenance. We married and divorced young and had nothing to show for ourselves at the time. I gave ExH some leeway whilst he was finishing Uni but when he got a job I managed to get him to give £100 a month towards DS. Before that he'd just used to pay for DS swimming lessons which I was thankful for.

A little over a year ago, he loaned me some money to have my car fixed since I do all the school runs. He said instead of paying him back he wouldn't pay maintence for 2 years. I had little options at the time so agreed. He has since been promoted big time and is living very lavishly meanwhile, now I struggle to buy DS Contact lenses, fund his school trips and pay for school dinners etc... Despite working nearly fulltime - It's really a struggle for me atm.

I was curious so used the CMS calculator and realized that had I gone through them, I'd be entitled to £400 a month. That means really, I'd have paid off the money he loaned me in 6 months, nevermind 2 years! I know if I did this, he would be really angry with me. We don't have the best relationship anyway, we rarely speak and he only sees DS (He's 12 now) every fortnight for one day (DS doesn't even like to stay over - so he doesn't).

I wonder if I am being unreasonable by thinking I should claim Maintenance via CMS? Or if I should try and negotiate with him (it won't be easy) to sort it out amongst ourselves. I'm scared its going to rock the boat too much but at the sametime, I am paying and struggling for absolutely everything right now and could use the help.

Thoughts? (Sorry for the novella)

OP posts:
ButDoYouAvocado · 05/02/2018 20:58

Of course he should be paying for his child. Don't think twice x

Peeetle · 05/02/2018 21:00

I can’t see there’s much boat to rock. You should definitely claim maintenance.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/02/2018 21:01

If you rock the boat what could become worse? I honestly can't see how anything could be worse than it already is.

The only downside you mention is that a person who you rarely speak to would feel annoyed that you stopped them from withholding money from your child. I don't see that as a major obstacle.

What's stopping you making him pay his fair share?

Dancingfairy · 05/02/2018 21:03

Cms!

pog100 · 05/02/2018 21:07

I can't believe you're even asking opinion. He has no idea what being a responsible patent is, if he did he would be paying more than CMS. it is supposed to be the minimum reasonable amount. Claim!

Godowneasy · 05/02/2018 21:07

Yep, you should.
Send him one email and tell him what he should be paying according to CMS and ask him to pay it starting from now.
Tell him you'd like to do it amicably. It doesn't sound as though he'll agree though, so move directly to CMS. Refuse to discuss it with him, and tell him to direct any complaints directly to the CMS.
It doesn't sound as though you have much to lose in terms of 'a rift', as he's treating you and your son appallingly already. You have everything to gain financially though. Good Luck!

Original poster
springchickenn · 05/02/2018 21:08

I guess because I feel guilty that I owe him money for the car @RunRabbit

That and he's a bit of a victim narc. Always making out he's hard done to and have people feeling sorry for him. At Christmas - the only time i am in a room with him willingly he was telling me how depressed he's been because he never seems to have any money (hinting about paying off his loans which I imagine includes what he borrowed me). Hmm Meanwhile, he's always off here, there and everywhere. Drives a pretty new BMW. And, always dressed to the nines.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 05/02/2018 21:14

Of course he should pay.

You still need to repay him for the car as you agreed to do so.

Get your claim in tomorrow!

fairgroundsnack · 05/02/2018 21:15

Get him to pay you all the money he owes in maintenance then you can repay the loan! Really, you need to get the maintenance, you owe it to your DS.

Emeralda · 05/02/2018 21:20

I would email him as suggested by Godowneasy. I would also phone CMS on the same day as I don't think they back-date claims. Don't enter into negotiations with him. You could politely set a timescale ("if I don't hear from you with confirmation within 2 weeks, I'll assume you don't wish to sort this out between us").

He clearly is not feeling guilty about notproviding for his son's health and education so don't waste your energy feeling guilty about the car. He's had a free pass for quite a while.

At 12, I assume DS might have direct contact with him anyway, so less need for you to have anything to do with him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/02/2018 21:21

He is a selfish dick. He will whine when you make him pay his share.

Here's a good rule of thumb for a victim narc : if he is not whining about what a total mean bitch you are then you are probably being massively ripped off in someway.

If he's not wailing then you are surely being screwed over.

If that boat isn't rocking then you are being screwed over.

Go to CMS. Let him squeal and cry. That's a good sign. CMS is well known to be the bare minimum acceptable. You are getting 25% of that in effect.

Emeralda · 05/02/2018 21:24

You could pay the car money back over a year and still be £200 a month better off. And then £400 a month better off after that.

warwick87 · 05/02/2018 21:38

Definitely. Your DS is his son and He has a responsibility to support him whether he likes it or not! As others have said, you have nothing to lose as he’s already treating you and DS appallingly

AnyFucker · 05/02/2018 21:40

Are you fucking kidding me ?

Original poster
springchickenn · 05/02/2018 21:54

Damn this is pretty unanimous! I'm actually wondering now why I've always let him off the hook with CM. I guess in my head, I still think of him as goofy and broke, as we were when we met. He's come a far way from that now and idk since DS is growing up, things seem more expensive. I can't handle it like I used to.

I guess I'll do it! And, pay him back from the extra money I'll have. You're right, things are strained anyway, might as well be strained and be better off for it. It will be nice for DS not have to worry whether he'll get his contact lenses or be able to have dinners every week!

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 05/02/2018 22:00

What an arsehole! He's living it up whilst his child struggles! Why do you need to pay him back if he's not been paying you for his son properly all these years?? He actually owes you that money and you need it for a car to drive his son.

Pleasebeafleabite · 05/02/2018 22:32

£100 a month towards his son is pitiful OP i bet it scarcely pays for his school dinners

No decent dad would think that was acceptable in the first place

Don’t think twice honestly

Spannerkeks · 05/02/2018 22:33

I don’t think you should pay him back for the car repair. It’s outrageous he suggested you should when he hadn’t been paying cm.

43percentburnt · 05/02/2018 22:33

You are worrying that you are being unreasonable asking his dad to help towards clothes and food.

Bet Mr Moneygrabber isn’t worrying about food in his fridge or clothes on his back or petrol to get him to his own hobbies.

Greedy selfish man.

Original poster
springchickenn · 05/02/2018 22:43

Wow these posts are getting me fired up! Thanks everyone. My friend suggested I say that The Inland Revenue did it off their own backs (he isn't very savvy with these things - he might believe it). Although, I don't know if that's me being a people pleaser again avoiding conflict with him.

I haven't even mentioned that he used to still use my address for his car insurance and I had my tax credits stopped for 8 weeks last year by concentrix till I proved he didn't live here. In the meantime, he didn't give us a penny help (because of the car loan) infact he had the audacity to say whenever I or DS message him its about money!

Oh boy, I'm getting cross now. I'm definitely going to call them in the morning!

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 05/02/2018 22:48

Go to CMS OP. What are you dithering for?

Notallthat · 05/02/2018 22:56

Definitely go to CMS, whats the worst that could happen?
Don't pay back the car loan, it sounds like he hasn't paid maintenence for 12 months, effectively its already paid back. Just make sure you are never ever in a position where you are reliant on him or have to ask him for help again.

Blu3moonn · 05/02/2018 23:10

Go via CMS if you don't spend all the money put in an account in the child's name and tax free for child's future

sourgrapes28 · 06/02/2018 08:56

Definitely get that phone call made! he essentially just doesn't want to pay for his child. Start claiming and get it backdated ( if you can ).

lunar1 · 06/02/2018 09:07

Contact them today!