Should I claim maintenance even if it causes rift between XH and I?

[springchickenn]

I've never had a formal arrangement with ExH for maintenance. We married and divorced young and had nothing to show for ourselves at the time. I gave ExH some leeway whilst he was finishing Uni but when he got a job I managed to get him to give £100 a month towards DS. Before that he'd just used to pay for DS swimming lessons which I was thankful for.

A little over a year ago, he loaned me some money to have my car fixed since I do all the school runs. He said instead of paying him back he wouldn't pay maintence for 2 years. I had little options at the time so agreed. He has since been promoted big time and is living very lavishly meanwhile, now I struggle to buy DS Contact lenses, fund his school trips and pay for school dinners etc... Despite working nearly fulltime - It's really a struggle for me atm.

I was curious so used the CMS calculator and realized that had I gone through them, I'd be entitled to £400 a month. That means really, I'd have paid off the money he loaned me in 6 months, nevermind 2 years! I know if I did this, he would be really angry with me. We don't have the best relationship anyway, we rarely speak and he only sees DS (He's 12 now) every fortnight for one day (DS doesn't even like to stay over - so he doesn't).

I wonder if I am being unreasonable by thinking I should claim Maintenance via CMS? Or if I should try and negotiate with him (it won't be easy) to sort it out amongst ourselves. I'm scared its going to rock the boat too much but at the sametime, I am paying and struggling for absolutely everything right now and could use the help.

Thoughts? (Sorry for the novella)

How much money did he “lend” you

If he had been paying CM as he should have been you would not have needed to lend money because you would have had it saved as he would have been providing for his son.

There is no grey area in this (and I would be surprised if anyone he tried to claim there was would see it that way). He has a child, he should provide for that child

So if he was paying £100 p/m
He leant you 2400
Which absolves him from paying anything for 2 years
Even though if he was paying the correct amount it would be 9600

That my friend is called fucking bullshit

Worse rates than a payday loan

He’s taking the absolute piss. You don’t “owe” him anything. He owes you and his son big time! You’ve got years of backdated child maintenance that by rights should be yours! You know you can back date your claim to when he got his good job/regular salary? I know this because a friend has just done it. So start standing up for yourself. It’s his kid too and teenagers are expensive! Why should he drive around in a bmw while you scrape by? No fucking way. He’s had 12 years of getting away with it! Today the gravy train stops. Call CM right now. Then message him and say “just to let you know that I’ve contacted the CMS. Your son is now 12 and our costs are rising. We now need to get a proper arrangement in place. You’ve had 12 years of my leeway and turning the other cheek but now I need proper money to buy him what he needs. I’ve contacted them to ask them to work out maintenance fairly and legally. I think this is the most reasonable and logical solution” then do that and don’t answer any nasty or abusive responses. Save them but don’t respond.

It will be nice for DS not have to worry whether he'll get his contact lenses or be able to have dinners every week!

christ almighty. What a complete shit this man is. Does he ever even ask if his son is alright for everything - need anything? He is horrible.

OMG get a claim in. I have had heated conversations with the CMS today who wrote to me telling me my gs's dad did not earn any more money ie he has changed jobs with a 25% upturn in salary.

When I rang to query, they said it simply meant they had contacted him and he had not replied so refused to deal with it further - this is their standard letter. The main issue was lack of new employer details, but their own guidelines state he has an obligation to provide new wage details.

The original worker did not even tell me I could appeal, refused to make a phone call nor even send another reminder letter. After speaking to her manager, this has all been done today. An acquaintance has just given me his new employer details.

He may refuse to co-operate op, so do please find out his employer details just in case.

CMS's favourite line is that they are not an investigative agency. Well no, but your job is to collect the correct child support for the children you are employed to help.

Good luck op.

He is literally taking the food off your child’s plate and kicking you in fanny !!!!

Tell him you want at least £400 a month as of NOW, or you’ll go to the CSA and ask them to back date it......

What a spiv cunt !!!!

get it off him and then send him half back each month to pay off the 'loan'. Hes a CF!!

My arsehole ex has some philosophical objection to paying maintenance for his children too. Our main issue was that he didn't want his income reassessed as he earns more now.

Definitely go to the CMS - they will tell him what he has to pay and then he has the option of paying it to you or moving to collect and pay (which costs more so hopefully he'll be motivated to play ball before it gets to that point).

He damned well should be paying for his DS and you shouldn't feel guilty about it - the car loan was for his DS' benefit too. I'm amazed at some people's ability not to feel any shame or guilt for the life they're living while their kids are struggling.

How often does he have your DS?

Go through CMS for all maintenance owed to your child.

You made a verbal contract with your ex that you are now reneging on. The right thing to do would be to pay back the loan to him in full + prime % (2436 pounds).

Also thank him for the cheap loan, but you will be moving forward with standardized child maintenance payments.

I agree with everyone on here.. call the CMS TODAY .. for your kids sake

I was actually gonna say the same that he OWES you. So I wouldn't pay the money back for the car personally I would tell him to take it of the money he already owes you!! Not a popular opinion though I'm sure but he's been cheating you out of money.

You would literally be insane not to call CMS and raise a case. It will improve your son's life dramatically.

Or, are you going to let him take the absolute piss out of you?

I would stress as well, do it formally via the CMS, because even if by some miracle he agreed to pay you £400pm privately, he could renege on this at any time, and you would have no leverage without the CMS behind you. And I suspect he would always be late with the money, or "forget" to pay.

Stop worrying about how he will perceive this claim. He's wearing the best gear, driving a BMW, has virtually no involvement in your son's life, knows you struggle financially, and he doesn't give one shiny shit how you perceive his non-support.

Do it this week. If you don't, you are bonkers.

'I guess because I feel guilty that I owe him money for the car @RunRabbit'

Grow a spine for your son's sake! You owe this man FA. He is a fucking cunt who doesn't pay for his kid. I wouldn't pay him another fucking bean. He can whistle for it. NO IDEA why you are dithering about starting a claim with the CMS. This man is a piece of shit.

Stop engaging with him, too. He pulls his martyr card you just say, 'Oh, XH, always playing the victim. Change the record, FFS.'

If she doesn’t pay him back I would imagine he has a strong claim against her to make him while again.

If she wants backpay money, she needs to do this through legal channels instead of stealing off him.

So he thinks £100 a month is enough. Shame on him.

Get that claim in pronto.

stealing from him!!!! Do you think he was stealing from her when he didn't pay anything for his child at the beginning? Is he stealing from her when he is paying way less than he ought to be?

Or is it just that he is a neglectful shitty parent who doesn't care if his son eats or not - not his problem, that would be the real parent's problem, aka the mother or maybe the government's or the taxpayers but not his responsibility.

Men like that make me so angry.

£100 a month from him for how many years? What he should have been paying you will have paid his loan off to you years ago never mind the rest he owes you.

Call the cms and get it back dated. If he harps on about the car loan tell him to take it out what he owes you from 12 years if not paying you the right amount - CF

If the child payment terms were agreed to by both adult parties, even if the terms weren’t good relative to CMS levels, then I don’t think he was stealing off her.

I do think she needs to go through CMS to get the proper amount since she wasn’t able to advocate for herself and kids during the private negotiations.

I also think the car loan is a separate issue and should not be conflated with back pay. I think she needs to get proper advice from CMS or whoever tackles this to see exactly what he owes for the years of underpaying.

To just take the loan and not pay it back is underhanded (that is not to say that I don’t think he’s had the best interest of his kids at heart).

This is a tough discussion. How bad of a relationship is she willing to create with her children’s father? I think if she just took the loan amount without making him while and reneging on the terms would make the relationship full of vitriol. That’s why I think she should pursue CMS while paying him back in full.

My ex gave me £150 for the kids at Christmas. The first money he has paid for our kids in years. When I went to the Cms because he didn't pay the following month and I was actually sick of begging him for money he told me to give him back the £150 as I'm going to the Cms and we "had a deal" no we didn't have a deal. I told him he was not getting the money back and to take it off the money he.owes.me. From years of missed payments. I think op should do the same. Alright for him to do it to her? Why should she play fair?

You borrowed £2400 12 months ago
He owes £4800 in child maintenance every 12 months (12x400)

You basically paid him back DOUBLE what you borrowed.
Get that claim in pronto.

Adding to the chorus of get that claim in pronto!

Do not feel guilty, that car loan shows you just how little he cares about you and DS. I loan you some money so that you can continue raising my son and I don't have step up to help out and even better I don't have to pay towards him for 2 years,

Get that claim in!

I've done it! I made the call this morning. (Was working and had a stressy day yesterday). I also sent exH an email explaining that I will be happy to pay the loan back to him seperately of CM. I know plenty think I shouldn't even bother but I feel its the right thing to do from my side. Even if he doesn't have a conscience about what the right thing to do is from his side.

Hes since sent me a barrage of text messages. Firstly, he's going to emigrate anyway (He threatened to do this when we first split up). Then that he will have to downsize (lose DS bedroom at his place) and live in a bedsit. Then that maybe DS could live with him 50/50. Not on his nelly would DS ever agree to this nor has he ever wanted DS to live with him. Hell, he only sees him once a fortnight as it is. I imagine he's just going through the 5 stages of grief. I've blocked him temporarily

Sorry for not answering everyone individually. Why can't we multi quote on MN? Thank you all anyway. You gave me the kick in the pants to get it done.