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Original poster

Am I making a mistake?

69 replies

YoungmumB · 05/02/2018 15:41

I'm 17 and recently found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and the relationship hasn't ever really been easy. Since finding out I was pregnant we have had much more arguments and he has decided to suddenly leave his job to top it all off. I just feel really unhappy in the relationship some of the time but I do love him and when we are good it is so good.
I don't want to stay with him just because I am pregnant though and end up ruining mine and the baby's life.
Any suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 05/02/2018 15:43

End the relationship. Then decide whether you want the baby or not.

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 15:44

It's been eight months. It should be sunshine and roses at this stage OP. You don't realise this yet because of your inexperience but good relationships don't cause you this much stress and heartache.

Sounds like you need to either split up and accept you'll be a single mum from the start, or consider your options (termination, adoption) if you're not in a position to support a child and yourself alone. What do you want to do?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2018 15:44

Well your 1st decision at such a young age is... do want to terminate this pregnancy?
At 7 weeks that would easy to do.
Do you have family you can talk this through with?
If not then I suggest talking through your options with your GP.
I would be devastated if my DD had got pregnant at 17 but I would have helped her and stood by what ever decision she wanted to make about it.
Your body - your decision.
Definitely don't stay with someone just because you are pregnant.
Do you live together?
Do you work?

notgivingin789 · 05/02/2018 15:45

I had my son at 15/16. My only regret was that I didn’t ditch his dad at the time. Ditch the boyfriend, decide what you want to do with your baby and get on with your life.

adayatthebeach · 05/02/2018 15:50

Choose what’s BEST for not what’s the easiest. The rest of your life is ahead of you and these kind of decisions effect it. I’m sure you know this but it’s helpful to see it in writing. Wish you luck. Flowers

NotSoSprightly · 05/02/2018 15:51

In my opinion, yes, it would be a mistake.

You have another 25 odd years to find someone who makes you inexplicably happy and to raise children together.

If things aren't good now OP they're not going to be once a baby is in the mix.

BewareOfDragons · 05/02/2018 15:51

These are two separate issues, OP.

First issue: your relationship.

Do you want to stay with him? Has it run its course? Are you happier more than you're unhappy with him? Decide if you want to be with him. Sounds like you don't, tbh, so ending it is likely the right call.

Second issue: your pregnancy

ARe you ready to be a parent? Are you ready to give things up for the next 2 years to be a parent? Your plans will have to change dramatically for a while if you decide to be a parent. You will also have your (ex)boyfriend in your life for the rest of your life at some level if you decide to have the baby. If you're not ready for these things, you should talk to someone about terminating the pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
YoungmumB · 05/02/2018 16:33

Thank you for all of the replies, still not sure what I'm going to do. I don't think I could abort the baby as I already feel to attached to imagine doing that. We do get along most of the time we just have stupid arguments for no reason. I don't work and we are supposed to be moving into a house that his parents own but are giving us in a couple of moths.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 05/02/2018 16:42

The fairytale ending is not going to happen.

He is a very young man and has much to learn in life hence his behaviour.

Having a child really is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

I would abort and have a child with him in a few years when you are both older and wiser.

Moving to his parents house is also a recipe for disaster.

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 16:44

You say you are 17. How old is your boyfriend?

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 16:46

If you don't work how will you pay the bills and buy what's needed for your child?

Original poster
YoungmumB · 05/02/2018 16:49

It's his parents house but they live abroad so we would own it. He is 18 and if we weren't together I would probably just have to get a job to try and afford me and the baby. I don't want to abort it this is my mistake and isn't the baby's fault I know it sounds crazy but I do already love it and can't imagine not having it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2018 16:53

This is your decision.
You do NOT have to justify it.
The fact you want to keep the baby is absolutely fine.
Can you discuss what is going wrong with him?
Could you afford a bit of counselling together to get to the bottom of the bickering?

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 17:10

"It's his parents house but they live abroad so we would own it."

You mean they own it mortgage free and would transfer/gift the deeds over to you and him? Do you honestly think his parents will give a teenage girl they barely know half of a house they own? Sorry but I can't see it happening. Maybe they'll allow you to live there rent free but the second they say get out you haven't a leg to stand on and will need to leave. Your roof will only last as long as your relationship.

I think you need to sit down with an adult you trust and are close to and do the sums for what it's going to cost you to have this baby and where you're going to get the money from (remember if you work you'll need to find childcare, and I'm guessing at your age you're not able to obtain anything more than min wage work right now?) and the effect on your future chances of working and training for a better job. At your age I had no idea how much things cost is that I'd need so much to live.

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 17:13

It's his parents house but they live abroad so we would own it.

Own it as in completely signed over to your bf?

As you aren't married that still isn't stability for you and if you split up you will be stuck.

YearOfYouRemember · 05/02/2018 17:13

You can't have a baby because it isn't his/her fault her parents are fighting!

I'd definitely be finishing the relationship and thinking with my head, not heart, about what to do about the pregnancy. A PP is right, your "inlaws"aren't going to sign the house over to you. Do you currently live with your parents? Do they know you are pregnant and what your relationship is like?

LemonShark · 05/02/2018 17:31

You also need to think about whether you can actually afford a baby OP. What are you going to do for income? If you split up? Will he pay maintenance? Will you want to rely on parents to fund you (if you have parents wealthy enough) or benefits? This is a huge decision that needs to be made with your head as well as your heart. If you weigh it all up you can make a decision about the relationship and the pregnancy, but please don't bury your head in the sand as money doesn't grow on trees and you'll need it to raise a child and support yourself.

As lovely as it would be to have babies whenever we want, practicalities are very important too.

magoria · 05/02/2018 17:36

If you are set on having this baby then you need to plan to be a single mother doing it alone.

Your relationship is already rocky, he has dropped out of work, his parents may let you live in the house but I can't see them handing over 50% of the property to you.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2018 17:40

How are you going to provide for your child? While he helped create this new life...he can up and walk away and you will quite literally be left holding the baby.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2018 17:41

It isn't a baby. It's a foetus. It'll turn into a baby if you let it. You sound rather immature, do you really think you're in the best place to be a mother? You seem confused out the house. Are his parents giving it to him or just let to him live there?

SandyY2K · 05/02/2018 17:50

My DD is your age as well... I can't imagine her being pregnant at her age...with her whole life ahead of her.

Think carefully.

Glynroberts · 05/02/2018 17:53

To some people it's just a foetus,to others it's a baby as soon as they see the line on the test. That's a personal individual thing. You can't decide that for the OP pinkyredrose. She has to make her decisions based on what she feels. Anything else could cause lasting harm and regret, whichever way she goes.

NotSoSprightly · 06/02/2018 09:15

OP please be pragmatic.

You can't just go out and get a job with the click of your fingers when you are pregnant or have a baby.

Your job will need to be flexible and pay enough for you, a baby, bills, and other things that always crop up. You will struggle a LOT to find somewhere that will accept a 17 year old single parent as a tenant with no precious references or job.

The BF's parents' house won't be owned by you and your boyfriend unless they sign it over to you which I highly doubt they would.

Think about this with your head and not your heart. Can you hand on heart say that you can provide for a baby right now, emotionally and physically? And can your BF too?

LemonShark · 06/02/2018 09:20

Sadly I agree with NotSoSprightly. It's your decision and your body but you do have to think very carefully about practicalities as well as your emotions right now. Do you genuinely think you can afford to have this baby and give it and yourself a good life? Rent, bills, finding a landlord who will take you, finding a job when you have a child to care for (and paying for childcare), clothes, toys, food, transport. It may not be possible no matter how much you want it to be. I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just well aware that most seventeen year olds haven't a clue about how much they'll need to earn to sustain themselves let alone them plus a baby, or how the costs of living add up. You're still a child so I doubt you've had experience running a household yet?

LemonShark · 06/02/2018 09:22

And if you find you can't afford it and the numbers don't work (don't rely on your boyfriend btw, I hope he steps up if you have the baby but you must approach this as if you're going to be a single mum as chances are that's how it'll go and you'll be left holding the baby) you need to think about whether it's fair on you or more importantly the baby to bring them into a world where you can't provide for them.

I hope you are at peace with whatever you decide in the end.

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